Never Get Behind on Dishes and Laundry Again!

Image from scoutiegirl.com

Twenty-five years ago when I was a young mother, housewife, and homeschooler, I had trouble getting all of my work done every day--while teaching a young son to read, keeping a curious preschooler out of everything, taking care of a toddler, nursing a baby, etc. Truly the statement "the days are long but the years are short" was never more real to me.

I had problems that many people who are "self employed" have--plus the added "benefits" of having a lot of littles around making messes and needing seemingly-constant attention. (I really do think they are benefits--but when a man is self-employed, he usually doesn't have to take care of a home, feed a crew, and provide constant care and supervision to little kids! He just, well, works!)

The greatest problem that those of us who are self employed and/or homeschoolers and/or housewives with littles is that of prioritizing. The second greatest is motivation. Why clean this up when it is just going to become a mess again in thirty minutes? Why fix a hot meal....three hours later, I will need to start another hot meal!

I have found many ways to get the motivation needed to make it through those days of many littles and lots of homeschooling needs--but that would take a book to explain, so for today, I would like to address the concept of prioritizing.

When I had little kids, I loved creating systems--toy storage systems, closet organization, bookshelf perfection. These were things, however, that should not have been high on the priority list. The priority list needed to include daily work, like dishes, laundry, meal preps, child cleansing, reading lessons, and unit studies. Not systems!

My husband would come home at the end of the work day, and I would take him by the hand and lead him through the house, making a path through clean laundry, unbathed children in pj's, and stacks of dishes, to show him the toy shelves with all of the toys sorted into baby wipe containers with picture labels on each shelf so that the kids could put the toys onto the right shelves. It didn't even dawn on me that I should have done dishes and laundry BEFORE doing those amazing toy shelves.



After he saw my prize-winning shelves, Ray would roll up his sleeves (literally) and dig in to help bail me out from my day of misplaced priorities. We would get the dishes and laundry done; he would call me "closet lady" --and then we would often repeat the cycle again in a few days. 

As we added more children to our home (and more kids in school), it became obvious that I could not continue to put contact paper on every box that came in the house and hand make labels with bright magic markers. Something had to give--and it was then that I came up with the solution to all of our laundry and dish (and trash!) problems:

Treat laundry, dishes, and trash just like brushing my teeth. I brush my teeth at least twice a day (sometimes three or four if I eat something spicy or I am going out in the evening). And I began doing the same with dishes, laundry, and trash. 

We still adhere to the below schedule twenty-five years later--though I have seldom done this daily work once the two oldest children could handle these tasks, about ages ten and seven--the youngest child or two of the family who can handle the work has always done the daily tasks (so that we more, um, accomplished kids and parents can do harder jobs, like cooking, shopping, cleaning out freezers, weekly bathroom cleaning, discipling teens, mentoring young adults, teaching fractions, organizing closets (!), etc.).





                    TWICE A DAY LAUNDRY, DISHES, and TRASH TASKS


Bedtime: (1) Run the dishes from the evening in the dishwasher
 (2) Put laundry from earlier in the dryer ("fold ups" only; we have always done hang ups in the moment, moving it before it spins out and hanging it up when it is nearly dry so that we don't have to iron)
3) Start another load in the washer before sleeping

Morning: (1) Unload dishwasher and put away any big dishes that were drying on the counter after last night's dinner
(2) Fold and put away laundry in the dryer
(3) Move washer load from washer to dryer and dry it
(4) Gather trash all over the house in the big bag out of the kitchen trash can and take it all out; replace bag

Noontime: (1) Do second load of laundry in dryer (fold and put away)
(2) Start tonight's first load of laundry in washer
(3) Load dishes from breakfast, lunch, snacks, and cooking and run dishwasher

Evening chores: (1) Unload daytime dishes
(2) Load dinner and dinner prep dishes
(3) Bag kitchen trash again and take it out (we only gather from everywhere else once a day, in the morning)


This assumes chore sessions are in place. Even if you do not have good chore sessions right now, you can start with a five minute session before or after each meal and get laundry and dishes done then (even if it is just you doing them). Four five minute sessions can keep everything up if you have a dishwasher. (Note that we do a load or two of "hang ups" in another chore session in addition to that twice-daily laundry schedule. "Hang up" laundry is a weekly chore, separate from the daily laundry.)

When I didn't have a dishwasher, I still kept this same routine, but I just kept hot sudsy water in the sink all day (reviving it as needed) and washed dishes and put them in the drying rack as I had them, definitely at least after each meal, but I (or a child) would often run out and wash a sinkful here and there.

Doesn't TWICE A DAY for each chore (fully done--trash, laundry, and dishes) and twenty total minutes of work a day sound completely doable??? It is! You can do this!

Twice a day--just like brushing your teeth!

Baking Rice

My grad-student daughter from Illinois, my fifteen year old son, and I spent half a day this week cooking with my daughter who is expecting her first baby (our first grandchild) in four weeks. I have done freezer cooking for twenty-two years, so the girls just naturally do these types of cooking and food preps as well.

In three hours, five of us did fifty meals! That is twice as many as I normally would do in that time with that many people working simply because I was splitting the meals between Cami and me--so we averaged four servings per meal (instead of the normal eight servings that my meals now make). She took the smaller ones (see picture above) while I took the bigger ones. So in essence, we did twenty-five entrees that fed three and twenty-five entrees that fed six to eight.

The details of how to freezer cook are definitely for another time (and I am looking into doing a podcast about it for those who have been asking a lot), but I did want to document the fact that I cooked rice in the oven for the first time, and it turned out wonderful!

One of the entrees we were making is called "meatball stroganoff over rice." We had long-grain brown rice, but my daughter forgot to bring her rice cooker, and mine is well, buried or lost or something. (I've been decluttering and getting rid of things and putting things I don't use as often in tubs, and, well, I lost the rice cooker.)

Normally, when I do freezer cooking (usually once a week I do four to ten entrees for the freezer during one of my twice-weekly (or thrice-weekly) Kitchen Sessions), I start things immediately that take a while. One of those early tasks would be to put a lot of rice in the rice cooker for this stroganoff dish. I couldn't put it in the microwave because that would tie up the micro too long, and I didn't want to cook it on the stove because it would also be tied up--plus, I hate watching rice on the stove top while I am freezer cooking. It is a pain and just another thing to think about when I am crazy busy in the kitchen.

I remember a friend telling me that another mutual friend cooks her rice in the oven, so I Googled it and discovered that it looked as simple as the rice cooker or micro method (both of which I love and yield perfect rice imho).

I will put the link below from about.com for detailed instructions, but I skimmed the recipe and did what I always do: did four times as much as the recipe said while not really doing what the instructions say--and hoped for the best!

In a nutshell, I put four cups of rice and eight cups of hot water in a jelly roll pan (huge "cookie sheet" type of pan with great sides--mine take up my entire oven, like the size of two 9x13's or so). I did this twice. Turned the oven on 375, covered the two pans tightly with foil, and forgot about the them for forty-five minutes or so. Then I pulled them out, removed the foil, and had perfect rice. It didn't take up my micro or stove top; I didn't have to stir or watch or add more water, etc. It was that simple.

Note that the instructions say that you need to boil the water first, add butter, etc., but I literally did what I wrote above. Easy peasy.  If I were doing it again, I would use broth. I always cook my rice in broth, but for some reason I forgot this time.

Anyway, we pulled the rice pans out of the oven and dipped the rice into the bottom of our foil pans, placed our meatballs all over the rice, then coated the meatballs with our stroganoff gravy. And they looked delicious!

Here is the official instructions from about.com:

http://culinaryarts.about.com/od/ricegrains/a/Rice-In-The-Oven.htm

Why a Resolution With the Word MORE in It Will Likely Not Be Met

I recently looked up top resolutions for the new year—and saw some interesting lists. They were the typical ones you would expect—lose weight, exercise, get out of debt, eat more healthfully, spend time with family, etc.

But what struck me most was the recurring use of the word MORE.

+Exercise MORE

+Spend MORE time with family

+Get MORE organized

+Pay off MORE bills

+Cook MORE healthy foods

What exactly does a resolution that has the word MORE in it even mean?

MORE than what? By what measuring stick? How will you know when you have achieved it?

Resolutions that contain the word MORE will likely not be realized simply because they are too general, too abstract, too non-checkable—if that were a word.

Any change—be it a New Year’s resolution or a beginning of the school year plan or a new family schedule must be quantitative in order to be met. In other words, there has to be some sort of method by which the resolver can see whether or not the resolution, plan, habit, or schedule has been met.

My husband and I are problem solvers—both of us. Sometimes we butt heads because he has an idea to solve a problem at the same time that I have another, albeit superior, idea. Smile... More often than not, though, the fact that we are both problem solvers has not been a negative but rather an amazing way to propel us to accomplish goals for our family.

In our problem solving, we have had to be extremely specific in what the steps to success were—no use of the words MORE, better, less, fewer etc.

Rather than saying that we would read the Bible or worship with the kids MORE, we said that we would have devotions more often than we didn’t. (This was one of our favorite benchmarks for many good things with our kids through the year--more often than not!)

Rather than saying that Ray would meet with our boys MORE to mentor them, we said that he would meet once a week per boy—or once a month per boy—or whatever the goal was.

Rather than saying that I would read with a new reader MORE, I said that I would read two times a day with the new reader—right after breakfast while the olders cleaned the kitchen and right before I began dinner preparations (with another older!).

The other thing we have found in our quest to be problem solvers is that we can’t solve too many problems all at the same time! In our parenting seminar, Raising Kids With Character,” we encourage parents to choose one or two things from each session that really spoke to them—one or two things that they want to implement or utilize right away in their homes. This keeps parents who have just sat through six hours of parenting lectures from being so overwhelmed that they are unable to implement any of the tips and strategies.

Throughout our thirty-one years of parenting, we have tried to tackle one problem or aspect of our family that needed changed per week (and later one per month or so). We sat down together and decided what one thing we would work on—and exactly how we would work on it (without using those taboo words of MORE, better, etc.!).

Sometimes we want lots of changes immediately! We are so quick to see the areas in our family that need work—and maybe there are many areas that we need to work on (we could always think of many!)….but if we set out to change everything all at one time, we will seldom change anything.

If you have a dozen things you would like to work on this year, consider doing one per month—and really dedicate a month to making that one thing happen…with a plan of attack that is measurable and concrete and doable. Then when that one is realized, add another the following month and so on.

Too many resolutions and too many vague words are both enemies of real change and problem solving. So try to make FEWER resolutions and keep them BETTER! Smile….

Christmas Tradition: "White Christmas" movie and White Spaghetti

 For Christmas, we love to have shrimp! We start out at the end of November having shrimp cocktail and breaded shrimp for our family decorating night. Then we move into the first week of December or so and have Shrimp Alfredo for our White Christmas movie night. (It started out as White Spaghetti and White Christmas...get it?) Then for Christmas Eve, we bring out the cocktail shrimp again.

Then our shrimp days are over. We literally do not have shrimp any other time of year...sadness. Too many teens and young adults and boys and hearty eaters and....well, that equals a lot of shrimp, which equals a lot of money!

So, this is our holiday recipe. However, it is almost as good made with boneless, skinless chicken breast too!


'

                      Shrimp (or Chicken) Alfredo

4 to 6 lbs shrimp (or chicken tenders)
2 or 3 sticks of butter
Italian seasoning
garlic and wine seasoning
black pepper
minced garlic
parsley
oregano
salt
3 lbs fettucini (sp?)
12 oz cream cheese
1 pint half and half
1 pint whipping cream
16 oz (up to 2 lbs, if wanted--don't use powdered Parmesan!) Italian finely shredded cheese blend (all white)


Serves 16


1. Boil pasta until al dente.

2. Melt butter and add seasonings (not sure of amounts--we just keep adding and tasting!)

3. Detail shrimp (defrost first) and drain/blot with paper towel.

4. Stir fry the shrimp in large skillet in the butter and lots of seasonings. (We do four batches.) Make this as if you were making garlic chicken tenders or shrimp scampi--you want the meat well-seasoned. We hate it when it tastes like pasta with white sauce and boiled chicken or shrimp! ;)

5. Drain the pasta and add the cream cheese and white cheese and stir until they are melted.

6. Add half and half, whipping cream, and shrimp/butter mixture to pasta/cheese mixture. Add lots more yummy seasonings!

7. Stir until yummy and heated through.

Getting Kids Ready for Holiday Get Togethers--All Four Parts (Reprinted)

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what

you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou

How our children treat their grandparents, aunts, uncles, pastors, teachers, etc., has a huge bearing on how they will treat others in the future.

PART I

Many years ago when we had seven children fourteen and under, we decided that we wanted our children and our family to be blessings to others—not burdens. We knew that bringing seven kids into situations can seem overwhelming to hosts. We wanted people to look forward to our family coming—not dread seeing our big thirteen passenger van pull in the drive-way! We decided that when we went to a get-together, as Christians, we should be energy-givers, not energy-zappers!

We knew that going to a family get together of any kind, but especially any with non-Christians, and trying to “show” people our Christianity by our standards wouldn’t work. Non-Christians do not care about your standards—they do not worry about what you are wearing, what you are not watching, and other outward signs that we often think are important (and they might be, but they seldom show our faith as much as we think they do). What non-Christians care about is how they are treated (which is what everybody cares about, really!).

We have taught our children since they were very young that other people matter—a lot. We have taught them biblical truths along these lines—do unto others as you want others to do unto you; put others first; when you see an opportunity to do good to others, do it; prefer others before yourselves (our first born’s first memory verse when he was two—“‘fer others a’for self!”). We taught them to always think of those around them.

We taught them to think of those beside you (your friends and siblings); those ahead of you (grandparents and others who have gone before you); and those behind you (those who are watching you). And we taught them that we are here to serve God and others—not ourselves. And this begins in our home with our immediate family—and then extends to other relatives, friends, church, the community, then the world.

What does this have to do with Thanksgiving get togethers? Everything! We can prepare our children to think of others and serve whenever they can every time they leave the house (including family get togethers) or we can just assume they are kids and should just be kids—and do what kids do. Yes, kids can be selfish—but not just because they are kids. Kids are selfish because they are humans. As parents, we are entrusted with these children in order to train them in the ways of the Lord—which includes training them in selflessness rather than selfishness.

Some might feel that putting expectations on children to have certain behavior, exhibit selflessness, serve others, etc. for grandparents and others is too heavy of a burden—but if our children cannot learn to serve those closest to them (including siblings and parents), how will they ever be able to serve others (especially spouses and their children in the future)?

Tomorrow I will give you a list of ways that we taught our children to serve others, put others before themselves, exhibit good manners and character, and more—at holiday get togethers—and at home! 






PART II

Today I will share some tips that we have found helpful in teaching children to be a blessing when we go to holiday get-togethers. I would never say that our children were perfect at gatherings (or at home!). However, I believe that we have met our goal of not having people dreading our arrival! LOL! And many times, I believe, they even look forward to it!

1. Everything starts with you. I know, I know…I sound like a broken record. But the fact is, if you go anywhere to be served, thinking of yourself and what you will get out of a situation, your children will too—only moreso. (We are firm believers in the saying, “What you allow in your life in moderation, your children will allow theirs in excess.”) When we had many small children, we first of all, tried to be sure that we took care of their needs—that people did not feel that we came with all these kids for others to tend to. Secondly, we tried to divide up and help as much as we could. Oftentimes, we had our hands full changing babies, nursing, fixing kids’ plates, wiping up messes, etc. However, anytime we could, we tried to help others—we wanted our kids to see that we are not here just for ourselves.

2. We tried to do things ahead of time that would bless others—staying up late the night before to make special dessert or getting up early and peeling twenty pounds of potatoes were things that we could do at home to bless others there—even if our hands were full at the get together. We always told our children that if you can do something to help others or serve others, try to do it. (Obviously, you can’t always help everybody all the time—but we tried to teach them to always be on the lookout for ways to help others—and God has used that mightily in preparing our now-adult children for their current areas of ministry.)

3. Gratefulness begins at home…okay, everything begins at home. Whatever we want our children to learn and do, we must train them in that in our homes—not hope they get it at church, youth group, Sunday school, or by osmosis. If our children are taught from early ages that everything we have comes from the hand of God—and that without him, we are nothing—they are more apt to be grateful for little things. How is this done? “Slow and steady; steady and slow; that’s the way we always go.” In other words, it’s not a “character lesson” for Thanksgiving week (though it can’t hurt to emphasize that quality this week!) or a book that you can read (though we are reading about gratefulness right now in Character Sketches). It is something that is cultivated as we pray, worship together, remind our children that others are investing in our lives and that God uses them to bless us. Discussion, discussion, discussion. “Did you notice how hard Grandma worked to prepare today for us?” Every little detail of living for God (including gratefulness) can be taught at home through living and talking.






PART III

My “tips” are becoming “sermonettes”! Sorry….will continue them below and in next post. Thanks for joining us!

4. Manners begin at home…okay, everything begins at home and must be in us first. There, I said it. I spelled it out. LOL! Manners lessons were definitely something we taught. (Ray just listened to an audio about teaching manners a few months ago and was giving lessons to the boys while we traveled. As we sat in the “thrown rolls restaurant,” and Ray tried to teach the boys about silverware use (yes, you need to teach boys that!), one of the kids piped up with: “Dad, I don’t think a restaurant where they throw the rolls at you and they serve various things on brown paper toweling that they FRIED is a place that cares about manners!”) Need I say it again? If our kids talk with their mouths full, are not made to sit still during the meal, do not pass food (but keep it in front of them for later!), eat with their fingers, etc. at home, guess what? They will do at family get togethers too! Manners are common courtesies that we as Christian parents need to focus on.

5. Focus on respecting our elders. Respecting our elders is truly a lost art in our society—and it is so sad that it is that way. For one thing, the Bible states over and over that they should be respected. Secondly, it is such an obvious extension of the Golden Rule—let’s face it, we all want to be treated with kindness and respect in our old age. Start with the bear minimum—not doing anything that could harm or endanger an elder. For example, we always told our children what we expected of them in every scenario that we went into. “Now you need to talk quietly and not run at Grandma and Grandpa Rager’s because they are not used to having rowdiness—and you wouldn’t want to run into them or have them trip over you.” Then move into the way they speak to elders. We trained our kids to speak to those who speak to them—preferably looking the person in the eye and warmly shaking his or her hand. Moreover, as they learned to not be too shy in that scenario, we taught them to converse with the person and ask about him or her. (We often gave the children “assignments” at church to shake hands and ask about one new person each week to help them learn to do this!) Grandparents, especially, should be greeted warmly and sincerely. I know this sounds trite—but these are their grandparents! They are our fathers and mothers. They deserve kindness, warmth, respect, love, and assistance. Finally, our children learned to look for needs that their grandparents might have and try to meet them. (We taught our children that if Grandma is going in the kitchen to clean up, the Reish family should too!)




PART IV

Last installment…honest! Will follow with more recipes and a couple of book reviews. Happy parenting!


6. Remind kids about situations in which deference should be exhibited. (Note: Deference is the act of deferring or putting off what we want for ourselves—like when you “defer” payments for a whole year—you are putting them off. Deferring (or “yielding,” as we also commonly call it here) is desperately needed. Giving up what we want for the good of someone else will get noticed far quicker than quoting Bible verses or praying before our meal (though, again, there is nothing wrong with those things—but when someone gets treated well, he or she takes note!). We have a saying in our family that “Reish children pick up some floor!” This means that when you are in a situation in which there are not enough seats, you should take a seat on the floor. This is especially true with small children, but it’s not at all uncommon for our big teenage boys to be on the floor in many situations. This is one way that we have taught our kids to defer to others in social situations. Other things to consider are allowing others to go first in the food line, taking small portions or none at all of a dish that is almost out or seems to be in short supply, giving up your chair or place at the table, and many more. These are common courtesies that Christians, of all people, should display. When you talk about deference over and over again with your children—pointing out situations in which they can potentially yield their rights to other people, they will begin seeing these situations for themselves eventually.

7. Teach children to be helpful. You have probably heard the saying that 80% of the work in the church is done by 20% of the people—well, the same is often true in families. The same people often host gatherings, and if you have done much hostessing, you know that it is a lot of work. We continued the theme “if you see a need, try to meet it,” in family gatherings. If children can put chairs away, pick up trash, run the vacuum, or dry dishes, they are ready to be helpers! Note that some hosts truly do not like to have children helping/working with them, so we tried to be sensitive to that as well. Again, if children are taught to be helpful at home, they will be more likely to be helpful in other situations.

8. Bring the fun! We like to bring games, holiday videos, yummy carry in dishes (now is not the time to try to get the extended family members to start eating their green veggies!), and more.

As Christians, we should strive to treat others in such a way that people want to have us around—that we are energy givers, not energy zappers. And we should teach our children to do the same.

Grateful for all of our Positive Parenting (Raising Kids With Character) readers who have made my year of daily writing such a blessing by your encouragement and kind words. God bless your family this Thanksgiving.

Crock Pot Wednesday: Cheeseburger Potato Soup and Cheeseburger Carrot Soup

I found a great way today to make two soups quickly--one that is an easy family favorite and one that works for my husband's low carb eating lifestyle. 

The first one, Cheeseburger Potato Soup, is one of the easiest soups I make. I am all about Sandra Lee's Semi Homemade books and recipes, and this one could easily qualify as one of hers! Unfortunately, I don't have a "real" recipe--so bear with me while I try to get it down in writing! ;)

Here is how I made it.

1 to 2 lbs of ground beef (we like a lot of meat in ours)
1 (32 oz) bag of frozen hash browns (cubed)

1 quart of half and half or cream

2 to 3 quarts  of milk or half and half

1 1/2 lbs of shredded Velveeta

1/2 lb of shredded cheddar

Optional: 3 stalks of celery and one large onion and olive oil or butter

Seasonings to taste: salt, pepper, basil, garlic herb seasoning, worcestershire powder,parsley

1. Optional: Cook chopped onion and celery in skillet until tender. 

2. Cook ground beef and drain. (When I am making something the next day with ground beef, I put ten pounds of it in my huge crock pot, turn it on low overnight, and let it cook. The next morning I drain it and use part of it for my recipe and either freeze the rest of it or make something else.)

3. Put everything in the crock pot and cover and cook on high for three hours or low for five to six hours. 

4. At the end of the cook time, whisk 1/4 cup of cornstarch in 1/2 cup very cold water and whisk that mixture into the hot soup. Cook uncovered for another hour or so on low or half an hour on high until thickened.

Serves 10.

Cheeseburger Carrot Soup

Same ingredients except for the following:

1 lb of ground beef (we like a lot of meat in ours)
1 lb of carrots, steamed and cut into small cubes

1 quart of cream

1 quart of half and half

3/4  lb of shredded Velveeta

3/4  lb of shredded cheddar

Optional: 3 stalks of celery and one large onion and olive oil or butter

Seasonings to taste: salt, pepper, basil, garlic herb seasoning, worcestershire powder,parsley

1. Optional: Cook chopped onion and celery in skillet until tender. 

2. Cook ground beef and drain. (When I am making something the next day with ground beef, I put ten pounds of it in my huge crock pot, turn it on low overnight, and let it cook. The next morning I drain it and use part of it for my recipe and either freeze the rest of it or make something else.)

3. Put everything in the crock pot and cover and cook on high for two hours or low for four to five hours. 

4. At the end of the cook time, whisk in 1 bar (8 oz) of full fat cream cheese. Cook uncovered for another  half an hour on high until thickened.

Serves 6.

Q is for QUIT FIGHTING--Start Out Right With Siblings/Littles With Behavior Absolutes

Kara (4.5) and Jonathan (almost 3) doing their sibling Bible verse for a special at church: "How happy it is when brothers dwell together in unity!" 

The next tip after trying to set your toddler's taste for kindness is the following: Decide ahead of time what your "behavior absolutes" are going to be. 


1. These are the behaviors or negative character that you absolutely will not allow in your home. What you allow now will become the “acceptable behaviors” to your child. These seemingly innocent actions include “fibbing,” hitting, being mean to others, running the other way when called, etc.


2.  For us, these “behavior absolutes” included the following:

a. Talking back (no toddler saying “no” without being punished)
b. Lying or deceit
c. Temper tantrums
d. Striking (hitting, pulling hair, throwing things at someone, etc.). 
e. Being mean

Obviously, we wanted our kids to learn to obey and submit to us and to learn the many character qualities that are crucial to living a Christian life, but these five things were things we never wavered on—and things that we made huge deals out of when they were not adhered to by the toddler/preschooler.

Kara (now 23) and Jonathan (now 21) have been best friends since they were very young.--honest! ;)

One question we frequently get when discussing the idea of behavior absolutes is "How do we make a certain behavior an absolute?"

Before I delve into a couple specific tips for this, I do want to say that keeping sibling fighting to a minimum, helping brothers and sisters love each other, and instituting and enforcing a no striking policy is more a way of life than it is a list of do's and don't's. 

Obviously, we believe that there are some key things that accounted for our children's very limited fighting and not harming each other, but more than that list of things we did is the idea of being "that family." Not weird or trying to outdo others with our "uniqueness"--but rather our children knew that though others might fight all the time, we were"that family"--the family that doesn't allow that. Though other children may raise their hands to harm their sibling, we are "that family"--and we do not permit hurting each other.

A way of life--one that begins with "setting tastes" for kindness and good character and one that has certain expectations always in place. Not expectations that "do this or you're toast" but expectations that Mom and Dad taught us this way, and this is how we live. 

But on to that list--a few things that we think can help a family develop certain behavior absolutes (including loving and being kind to siblings):


1. Behavior absolutes begin with a mindset. 

This mindset is one with faith in what you are doing. Faith that making behavior absolutes that our children will learn to follow is what is truly best. Faith that these things that we are saying are not allowed in our home are things that God would have us do. Faith that God will bless our family's consistency, efforts, and desire to please Him. Faith that consistency and godliness in our home really will work.

It is also a mindset that says, "What I am trying to do here is so important that I am going to put the time and energy into it that it takes to accomplish it. I am not going to let things slide that I know will cause us not to meet our goals for our children's behaviors. I am not going to look the other way when I know something is not right. I am not going to downplay something that we have deemed as important from the beginning."

That is a tall order. But it is one that can truly be carried out. When we go into this parenting endeavor with an idea of what we truly want our homes to look like--and the determination to follow through on it--it is very possible.




2. Your reaction to behavior absolutes being broken is crucial. 

My husband has an annoying saying (it used to be; now that our kids are mostly grown, I agree with him!): "We are getting the behavior that we want. if we wanted something different, we would do something different."

While that isn't one hundred percent accurate, the concept is true. If we want our children to be kind to each other and not strike each other, then those behaviors have to be treated as terrible behaviors. We can't just say, "Be nice" and hope that their behavior changes. 

We liken behavior absolutes to sitting in a car seat. We can say over and over, "I just can't get him to quit hitting his sister." 

However, we somehow (eventually) get our child to quit screaming in the car seat and sit in there until he is five or six! How is that? It is because sitting in the car seat is a behavior absolute.  We would ever consider letting a child have his own way and sit up front between Mom and Dad. It is the law. It is the way it is--and it can't be changed.

So it is with behavior absolutes. We have to feel so strongly about those behaviors that we will not budge on them. When one of our kids is mean to another one, we will not just say "Be nice" and send him to his room. We will instead respond as though he just did something very, very bad. Because if meanness is one of our behavior absolutes, it is a very, very bad thing.

I have to inject a note here about spanking--because many "modern moms" are either against it or believe that it doesn't work. Or buy into the philosophy that spanking a child will make him mean or will make him strike others. 

I know that a family of seven children is not a full-blown case study. However, I don't see how the whole "spanking causes children to be violent" could possibly be true when all of our seven children were spanked (not carelessly; not in anger; not for frivolities or childishness) for the Four D's --and yet they are seven of the most peaceable adults you will ever meet. As children, they didn't often fight with each other--and seldom (if ever) struck another child (or bit, pulled hair, pushed, hit, etc.) after age two or so. (I'm sure they probably did as toddlers--but we treated it very seriously and nipped it in the bud.)

So yes, we spanked our children if they were mean or if they hurt others (as well as for other defiant behaviors). But we didn't have to do it often. Peace with each other and not harming others was a way of life, so it didn't take a lot of discipline for it. 

Thus, the way we respond to our behavior absolutes will have a huge bearing on how "absolute" these behaviors become. Don't take them lightly. Don't put kids in their rooms with video games or televisions because they were unkind. Don't tell children who hit that they shouldn't do that--and they should be nice. Respond with the level of unacceptability that you would for something really bad--if you think it is really bad.




3. Don't make too big of deal out of things that aren't important.

If we truly want to develop behavior absolutes in our homes, then things that are not that big of deals can't be made into big deals.

We see this all the time. A parent responds to a child leaving his socks on the living room floor in the same way that she responds to his backtalking or being unkind to his sister. While we recommend that the things you feel are behavior absolutes be given a high priority and level of response, we also believe that in general parents need to "lighten up" when it comes to childish behaviors (being too loud, making a mess, forgetting to pick up his socks, etc.) and focus on behaviors that are truly important (and from the heart)--such as direct disobedience, meanness, disrespect to parents and other authorities, etc. 

When everything our kids do is the same level of "wrongness," they will not learn the difference between sins and mistakes. When everything our kids do is punished in the same way, they will feel that they can never please us--that no matter what they do, we will find fault in them.

I won't spend a great deal of time on this as we have several posts about this under the character training label and we teach about it extensively in our parenting seminar, but just examine your parenting and see if you are placing too much emphasis on the wrongness of a behavior that is just a kid being a kid and not enough on something that is coming from a child's heart.

I will move on to older kids--including punishments that are appropriate for fighting, helping kids learn how their behaviors affect others, and teaching our kids to love and respect each other--very soon. Thanks for joining us!

And here is the sweet sibling pair when they were teens--Jonathan (17) and Kara (19). The cute thing about this pic is that it was taken when they were traveling on a summer drama team together--and they both kept it as their profile pictures on Facebook for several months. Sweet!