day seventy: understand the recipe for rebellion—ingredient ii: rules without response—the godly appeal*

                          Recipe for Rebellion

                         Rules Without Reasons
                         Rules Without Response
                         Rules Without Repetition
                         Rules Without Relationship



INGREDIENT #2: RULES WITHOUT RESPONSE (cont.)

The godly appeal, as mentioned yesterday, is a non-argumentative, non-confrontational way for our children to express their disagreement with our rules for them. It opens doors of communication that would literally be slammed in our children’s faces if we just tell them to “do what I say; I don’t want to hear about it.” It gives our teens more of a sense of control in their lives—and provides multiple teaching opportunities for us (which our teens can, in turn, apply to other situations in their lives).

In the godly appeal, if a child does not agree with something, he asks respectfully if he may appeal. We had our children use those exact words: “May I appeal?” At that time, the parent gives one of three answers: yes, no, or later. The child then must accept that answer (not argue, beg, etc.). If the answer is yes, the appeal is heard and considered by the parents. Sometimes this is in front of other siblings. Many times it is not, depending on the subject being appealed, who it applies to, and the intensity of the child's appeal.

If the answer is no, the matter is dropped, though it may be brought up later, when more information is gathered or when the time is more appropriate (i.e. not in the heat of an argument or not when parents are unable to deal with it right then, etc.).

If the answer is later, the child may bring it up at another, more convenient, time. (Sometimes we even told our children that they may appeal tomorrow or next week when we are not traveling or not in the middle of a big project, etc.)

There are some guidelines that make the godly appeal successful:

1. If the appeal is disrespectful or done in anger, it is turned down immediately.

2. If the appeal is a series of whines and complaints, rather than a truly godly appeal, it is turned down.

3. If a child begins disagreeing a lot or constantly trying to appeal, the appeal process is terminated for a period of time until that person learns to accept Mom and Dad's rules more often than not. (More about kids being characterized by cooperation “more often than not” later.)

4. If the appeal process becomes an argument, it is ended.

5. If the person appealing is turned down, but later has more information ("new evidence"), he may re-appeal that topic.

6. The appeal is truly listened to and thought through by Mom and Dad. Do not pretend to listen to appeals, but not regard your children’s pleas. This is another “Recipe for Rebellion” in itself. (Kids know if the appeal process is just a formality and you are not truly listening to them.)

7. The person appealing is not constantly interrupted by Mom and Dad with justifications. The child should not be patronized during an appeal, but carefully listened to and respected.

8. Once the answer to the appeal is given, the matter must be dropped for the time being. Granted, it might need re-visited, but to continue the appeal once an answer is given is arguing, not appealing.

9. Parents must agree on the answer to the appeal at the time. Later, behind closed doors, discussion between Mom and Dad may need to take place, but in front of the child, a united front is imperative.

The appeal process is a privilege for mature children. It should not be used by children who complain and grumble all of the time. It should not be used as a "formal means" of arguing. (The words, “May I appeal,” should not be substituted for the child's normal means of disagreeing as an attempt to begin "discussion and arguments.") A child should have godly character and be characterized by ("known by") submission and obedience in order to utilize this relational tool. It is an avenue by which children and teens who readily accept the family's rules may disagree respectfully and be heard.

When discussing these concepts recently with our grown son Joshua (married; twenty-seven), it was interesting to us to note that he said that he did not mind our rules—even if he disagreed with them. According to him, the reason he did what we wanted him to do (outside of love—see “Rules Without Relationship” in a couple of days) during any of our less-than-rational-rule-time is because no matter what rule we made, what standard we expected, or what behavior we demanded, we always listened to him.

According to him, even if we did not change the rule or expected result, we still let him talk and let him disagree with us (via the appeal process). He noted that it didn't matter if we followed his suggestions, just the fact that we were listening to him made all the difference in the world. According to him, we did not give him freedom to do as he pleased when he disagreed with something, but we did give him intellectual freedom--the freedom to think and to question us. That alone makes the appeal process in our home so important to us.


Note: Information for this post was excerpted from The Well-Trained Heart and was gleaned from the following original source: “How to Make an Appeal.” Oak Brook, Illinois: IBLP, 1990. Printed Booklet.