day forty-one: praise your children for things that are in their control

“A torn jacket is soon mended, but hard words bruise the heart of a child.”                                    
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow


Many, many years ago we received some excellent parenting advice: do not praise your children for things that are out of their control (i.e. intelligence, beauty, talent), but praise you children for things that they can affect (i.e. character, effort, diligence, resourcefulness, etc.) We tried to take this to heart—though I admit to praising their absolute “darlingness” more often than I should have!


A person may be born with great beauty, high intelligence, or outstanding skills. However, if that person does nothing with that quality, it is wasted. A person may be born with average looks, mediocre intelligence, and medium skills—and may go far simply because he used the things that he could control to make something of himself.


Our first daughter (second child) was highly intelligent, but she didn’t feel intelligent for a long time due to dyslexia and dysgraphia. Here she was a twelve year old who could read and comprehend anything; a twelve year old who knew more history than any adult I knew; a twelve year old who could read, comprehend, and teach the Bible far beyond her years, but because her spelling and penmanship were lagging by several years, she never felt that she was smart. While we did tell her that she was smart various times, we tried to focus much more on her effort (especially in the areas of penmanship and spelling, which she tried so hard to master); resourcefulness (utilizing other methods of learning); and “stick-tu-a-tive-ness.” Those character qualities that she acquired (the ones we praised her continually for) have taken her far in her short twenty-four years—and will continue to take her far as long as she strives as she has.


Research has borne this concept out in the past several years as more and more researchers have looked at what makes successful students, what makes kids tick, and how we can raise children with positive self esteem (and in Christian parenting, with appropriate self esteem). This week I will be sharing some of these studies, as well as some specific ways to praise your kids and motivate them with appropriate affirmation.


Today I leave you with the results of recent study about praising children for things they can control. Jennifer Henderlong Corpus and Mark Lepper, psychologists who have analyzed over thirty years of studies on the effects of praise, determined that praise can be a positive motivator if we follow these guidelines:


1. Be sincere and specific with your praise


2. Praise kids only for traits that they have the power to change (good character!)


3. Be careful about praising kids for achievements that come easily


4. Encourage kids to focus on mastering skills (i.e. using the talents and skills they have to succeed) as opposed to focusing on others' skills or competing with others