day forty-six: work on your marriage relationship to strengthen your relationships with your children

“The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother, and the most important thing a mother can do for her children is to love their father.” Anonymous

Four sweet children pressed their noses against the window pane—fourteen year old Kara, twelve year old Jonathan, nine year old Josiah, and six year old Jakie. They giggled, tapped on the window, and smiled from ear to ear. What were they looking at that made them so giddy and joyful? The were watching their mommy and daddy dance in the drive way.

Five years ago I got a life-changing Christmas present from my husband: ballroom dance lessons. The first year was rough; we couldn’t afford to take private lessons, which is what really helps you grow as a couple in dancing. (Group lessons are fine, but if you only take classes, the steps come much more slowly.) We “trudged” through dancing because the lessons (the gift) were expensive—and I felt that I should love this, even though I didn’t at first. Little did we know the effect these ballroom dance lessons would eventually have on our marrige and on our children.

The kids were overjoyed from the beginning. We still had six children at home at the time, ages six through nineteen. Our son and daughter-in-law also lived near. They were all so supportive of our new hobby. They told us that all we ever do is work and parent—and they were happy that we got to do something “fun.” They would often watch us in the drive-way muddling through our new steps for the week. They would have dinner on the table and ready for the family when we got home from lessons. If things were especially hectic in a given week, they would often volunteer to do extra jobs, take the younger kids to their things, etc. in order for us to get to go to our lessons.

Fast forward five years later. Ray and I have just moved up to Silver I. We have been taking mostly group lessons (though we take private lessons occasionally as anniversary or Christmas gifts) and have moved through Beginners, Social Ease, Bronze I, Bronze II, Bronze III, and Bronze IV. We no longer muddle or trudge through. It is a bright spot in our week—and we do not just practice in our driveway anymore. We can often be found in the ballroom at five o’clock in the afternoon, practicing and enjoying being together before the hecticness of the evening with a busy family begins. We usually “go dancing” socially on a Friday or a Saturday night (whenever we do not have something with the kids or grown kids). We often receive the highest compliment that we could ever ask for from our fellow dancers: “You two look like you love dancing and love each other so much.”

We have always had a pretty strong marriage. We have worked hard at it, doing most of the things that our early mentors, marriage seminars, books, etc. have taught us. We had lots of ups and downs, just like any other married couple, but we never let the downs get us down or keep us down. We knew that a strong relationship between us was foundational to our relationships with our kids.

However, with seven children, homeschooling, full time job, building a business and ministry, writing extensively, tutoring, managing a home, and child rearing, romance easily got lost in the shuffle. We have had to purposely work on keeping those home fires burning.

Even more important than romance, though, has been the daily ins and outs—the daily yielding of rights to each other. The moment by moment decision of saying, thinking, and acting as though the other person is more important than I am.

Dancing, however, has helped us with both: the true love of giving up what you want for someone else and the romantic aspects of our relationship. The romantic parts are obvious: what is more romantic than floating around the dance floor in the arms of the person you love as Josh Grobin sings “When you say you love me, the world goes still, so still inside; and when you say you love me, for a moment, there’s no one else alive …” Honestly, it is the most incredible and romantic thing that Ray and I have probably ever done for each other.

Surprisingly, though, ballroom dancing has affected the “practical aspects” of our marriage as well. There is so much yielding that must take place in every single ballroom dance in order to master the steps. The act of working together, moving in just the way needed to take each other around the floor. The process of ballroom dancing is so similar to the processes of a successful Christian marriage, in fact, that Ray and I are writing a book comparing dancing to marriage. Dancing on the dance floor is like a little teeny glimpse of dancing through life together as husband and wife, father and mother.

Of course, a strong marriage needs both aspects—the romantic and the practical, daily yielding of rights. They both result in a deeper love for the other person. And love is the key; after all, “the best thing you can do for your children is to love your spouse.”