Five Ways to Help Your Son Be a Good Boyfriend/Fiance

Our first "guinea pig"! Our first born child, Joshua (31), with his wife of ten years. They put up with our novice parenting skills during their courtship and engagements--but I am so thrilled with the loving, romantic, deferential, and fun marriage that they have!

Yes, you read that title right! Our twenty-one year old engaged son (soon to be married--in four months!) NEEDS his parents. 

(As a side note, ever since we have had sixteen, eighteen, and twenty year olds, we have believed that sixteen to twenty is actually the highest need time for our kids in terms of parental guidance and input....but that is another post for another day.)

 There are key things that we can do to help Jonathan be a great boyfriend, awesome fiance--and soon, fantastic husband!

BFFs for two years; a couple for two more; engaged for six months--the sweet, happy couple

Jonathan and Maelynn have been engaged for six months,  a couple for two and a half years, and best friends for two years prior to that. Jonathan is our third child to get married, so we have quite a bit of experience in the boyfriend/fiance department (as well as a mishap or two along the way--there is no perfect way to help our kids find their way in the romantic relationship/marriage department!).

We have been extremely active in Jonathan and Maelynn's relationship from the beginning (as we have been for all three marrieds and another daughter in a serious relationship now). But not just Mom and Dad--the siblings kept their phones handy on the night that Jonathan was to propose--and texts, pictures, well-wishes, and love you's were flying across cell phone lines throughout the night. 

So here are five ways we can help our sons be good boyfriends/fiances--with this list making the assumption that said son is old enough to get married or consider getting married and the girl he is in a relationship with will likely become his wife in due time. (When to start relationships, lengths of relationships, serial dating, etc., are all topics for another post, again, on another day.)




 

One of the perks of being in a great relationship with your kids--getting to help them plan the fun things of life--here Ray is helping the kids plan and reserve their honeymoon!

1. Start the relationship with your son 

In other words, don't let him get himself into just any relationship. As Jonathan and Maelynn's friendship grew, so did our time with Jonathan. There was a lot to do emotionally and spiritually, after all! 

We were there from the beginning---helping him decide how to pursue the relationship, coaching him on how to talk with her dad, encouraging him to tell her his heart, and guiding him in the path that appeared to be unfolding before him. 

By starting the relationship with our sons, we can help them during the initial stages--help them avoid heartache, see things that they cannot see, etc. Obviously, this "starting the relationship with him" takes a lot of pre-relationship heart work. We had to have such a strong relationship with Jonathan (and Joshua, age thirty-one, ten years ago) that he WANTED us to be a part of what was going on--that he sought out our counsel, encouragement, wise words, vision, etc. (See TEENS posts at Raising Kids With Character!)

Family days can provide lots of time to talk, see how the relationship is progressing, have fun, and help our son learn how to be the best boyfriend ever!

2. Be available for both of them  

When Jonathan and Maelynn became a couple (and had both parents' blessings to pursue each other), one of the first things that we did was take them to dinner and tell them flat out that we were available. I believe my husband's words were something like "We are super excited about your relationship and really pray that it works out wonderfully. We want you to know that we are always available for you. That we will be here to cheer you, to support you, to encourage you, to help you. That we are always here."

Then we followed up--texts to both of them help us keep a pulse on the relationship. Time with just the four of us when they are home from college gives us further glimpses into the hearts of these amazing young people. Long phone calls about wedding plans (okay, and yes, spread sheets that I make in Excel to help them stay on track with wedding preps!) continue to let them know that these parents aren't going anywhere any time soon.







3. Check on the girl's heart through your son

Boys are not naturally sensitive, intuitive beings (okay, I'll say it--men are not naturally this way either). Jonathan has unusual kindness, sensitivity, intuitiveness, and compassion--but even he overlooks things in their relationship at times. 

We constantly check with Jonathan on Maelynn's heart: "How do you think Maelynn feels about that?" "Did Maelynn say that is what she wants too?" "Is Maelynn still struggling with this or that? If so, how are you helping her?" "How have you deferred to Maelynn lately?" "Are you putting her first after the Lord--and does she know it?"

Without Jonathan even realizing it, we are helping him learn to be the type of husband that Maelynn will want in the future. We are actually "parenting"--but without curfews, punishments, or constant lessons. These "heart checks" continually give Jonathan the tools he needs to grow as a fiance'.

With these "Maelynn heart checks" also come encouragement and affirmation for Jonathan when he is being a great fiance. During a recent phone conversation I had with Jonathan, he said that he had asked Maelynn specifically what she wanted to do on the four year anniversary of her mother's death--and then he told me that they had taken the afternoon off from school and walked on Lake Michigan (near their campus), talked about her mom and anything Maelynn wanted to talk about, then read together from "Five Love Languages" (not sure where he ever got such a notion!! ; 0 ). That evening they watched a movie and relaxed. He had discovered what his girl needed on this difficult day and set out to make it happen.

I gushed, "Oh Jonathan. You are such an amazing fiance. You seek out Maelynn's needs and then try to meet them. That was so special. I am so proud of you for your sensitivity and care for her." See---teaching, training, encouraging, and affirming--all because of availability and asking the right questions.




4. Check on the couple's physical relationship often 


My husband is the type of father who loves to ask questions. He feels that the kids can learn more through their answers to our questions than they would if we just gave them the answer or told them how we wanted things. 

The same is true in the area of romance. When our kids begin a relationship, he asks them what their physical plans are, point blank. "Do you see yourselves holding hands or hugging?" "How about arms around each other or leaning on each other while watching a movie?" "Do you plan to kiss during the courtship period, engagement period, or not at all (before marriage) on the lips?"

Then he listens. Then he gives them input. ("You guys have a long three years ahead of you in this relationship. I agree that kissing should be reserved for the engagement period.") He can confirm, add to, give advice, etc., because he asked them first. And then, guess what? They ask him what he thinks! (Sneaky, huh???)


Ray asks them how they are going to stay true to their commitments in this area first (again).We help them design safeguards for their physical relationship--no kissing in the car, no being alone at one of your homes, etc. 

Once the parameters have been set in the physical relationship (by the couple, with our input), we can help them stay true to their physical commitments. Ray has asked our sons who have been in relationships exactly how things are going on a regular basis.

We are helping our son be a good boyfriend (then fiance--and eventually husband) when we walk through appropriate physical contact with them from the beginning--and check on them often. Our future daughter-in-law deserves a husband who keeps his word and loves her enough to honor their pre-marital intimacy decisions.

5. Encourage your son to have fun and make things special   

We want all of our married kids to be hopeless romantics like us!

Ray and I are hopeless romantics! We ballroom dance nearly every weekend because with each song "there is a three minute period in which nobody needs anything and the only people in the world are the two of us." (Told you we were hopeless!)

And we encourage our kids in relationships to be romantic, spontaneous, fun, and surprise-filled. When Jonathan and Maelynn first started dating two and a half years ago, Ray told them to make a list of all the fun things they wanted to do together during their summer school break (after work, of course!). He told them to check it every week and be sure to do something fun each week.

Long mornings at an old, dusty book shop, long walks in the park, singing together, movies, and concerts are some of the fun things Jonathan and Maelynn enjoy doing together.

Before they got engaged six months ago, the entire family called Jonathan one-by-one to offer advice on the perfect engagement night. It was loads of fun--and encouraged Jonathan to not just get engaged but to really GET ENGAGED! ;)


A couple of days before the big night, when Jonathan was heading out to go back to college, my husband slid him a fifty dollar bill and told him to "go ahead and take her to The Melting Pot. You want this night to be as special as it can be." Yes, I had to go two weeks without a dinner date with my husband--but it was worth it to us to help Jonathan afford a super special engagement night. Encourage romance in your son--this really makes a girlfriend/fiance happy!

Jonathan and Maelynn's re-enactment of their proposal--her sister wanted pics!

We even tell the boys that it is Scriptural to have fun and "cheer" your wife: "When a man hath taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business; but he shall be free at home one years, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken" (Deuteronomy 24:5). I know, I know...taking a verse out of context, but doesn't that verse say something about how God views a marriage relationship and the husband's role to make the wife happy????

Occasionally, we just ask Jonathan, "Other than studying together for twelve hours on Saturday, what special thing did you do with Maelynn this weekend?" It can be as simple as walking downtown Chicago, playing in the game room at the college, or renting a movie for the two of them--but we don't want him to skip special things even in the midst of busy-ness (and two very serious, studious college kids!).

Additionally, we like to have fun with the sweet couple. It isn't uncommon at all for Jonathan to get a text from me giving him a potential schedule for when he is coming home to see if he and Maelynn can join us for pizza night, game night, park day, or a movie out. Being in these settings with the two of them helps us see how their relationship is going and what we can recommend to Jonathan to be a better boyfriend/fiance. 

Fun family times with the couple also give us chances to listen to Maelynn when she talks and point out little things that Jonathan might miss. (It isn't uncommon at all to hear my husband talking to one of the marrieds or dating kids on the phone and say, "I heard ____ say this the other night. What do you think he/she is feeling?" OR "When ____ said this, I didn't feel like you were really listening.") In addition to potentially helping a current situation, we are also helping to train our son or daughter's ears for really listening to the other person.

Pre-marital time with his girlfriend/fiance is the perfect opportunity for him to hone those relationship skills and character qualities that he has been learning at home since he was little.

Trust me, you WANT your son to be a good boyfriend/fiance to the woman he is going to marry because it lays the groundwork for his marriage relationship. This is the perfect opportunity for us to help our son hone the relationship skills (empathy, kindness, generosity, compassion, selflessness, love, deference, etc.) that he has been learning at home for the past eighteen or twenty years. Our training years are not over just because our son is in a serious relationship. He still needs us--and his girlfriend/fiance will be overjoyed that we helped him become a better boyfriend/fiance!

W is for Wonderful Wednesday--and Other Special Times With Our Kids!

Piglet sidled up to Pooh. “Pooh!” he whispered.

“Yes, Piglet?”

“Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw. I just wanted to be sure of you.”

                                        A.A. Milne

One way that we have tried to have one-on-one conversations with our children, in spite of there being seven of them, is to take a child with us in the vehicle whenever possible. We began this custom when we just had three small children, making it a point to always “take whomever had shoes on” with us when one of us ran an errand.

Through the years, our custom has become a little more sophisticated (especially now that the kids are older and not always available to go run errands). Now we focus not on who has shoes on but rather on who needs Mom or Dad the most at that time. It is not uncommon for us to discuss the week in terms of kids’ needs and for one of us to say, “Why don’t you have ______ ride up with you to see your mom Wednesday night, so the two of you have a chance to talk about that.” Whatever that might be.



Of course, good discussion can also take place in the vehicle with more than one child with you. We had three girls in a row followed by three boys in a row (after our first child, a boy). This made it particularly good for talking in groups, and it wasn’t uncommon for the boys and Dad to have “Daddy talks” while en route places. (And I could never disclose the contents of those talks!)

Sometimes deep discussions did not take place. Sometimes we just talked about what we saw outside (more on that tomorrow!). Other times, it was just like the quote above by AA Milne—and the child just needed to “be sure of us.”

In case you think that taking a child one-at-a-time is still not that important, let me leave you with this thought: We have had children repent of deceit, cry their eyes out over a broken heart, and even accept Christ as their Savior in a vehicle, one-on-one with Mom and/or Dad. We actually had our oldest child reveal to the two of us whom he thought he wanted to marry (and he did several months later) in the drive-through of a fast food restaurant. Never underestimate time spent with Dad and Mom alone doing something as mundane as running errands!

Our Kids Will Do To and For Other What We Do To and For Them--Reprint

"Throughout their lives, your kids will do to and for others what you have done to and for them.”

In our “Character for Tweens and Teens” seminar, we stress the quote above—because we have seen it over and over in our children’s lives during our thirty years of parenting. And it is truly something to consider in the time, effort, money, and teaching that we invest in our children. When I look back at how true this statement has been in our lives, I just want to tell every parent that there are genuine dividends paid for all of that investing!

I could share examples of this with you from every age and stage our seven kids:

*How Joshua, our first born, would sit in the back of the van and tell his sisters what to expect when we got to our destination, how they should behave and how they should treat others—because his mommy and daddy had done that for him since he was a toddler.

*How Kayla, our second daughter, took it upon herself at age fourteen to do all of the cooking for a long period of time during my grief after our stillborn daughter’s birth and my life-threatening ruptured uterus—because her parents had served her, fed her, and taught her everything she needed to know in the kitchen.

*How Cami, our third child, started a ministry for the disabled when she was a senior in high school (that still runs today seven years later and ministers to over a hundred disabled adults every week)—because we taught her to look into people’s hearts to see their deepest needs, and we looked into her heart.

*How the girls planned a special meal for their brothers and even called and invited their grandparents to their “Silly Supper” while Mom and Dad were out of town---because Mom and Dad had always tried to make things special for them.

*How Kara, our fourth child, listened intently night after night to the needs of the teens on the traveling drama team that she led—because her parents had listened to her needs late at night for twenty years.

And on and on and on and on. Our children are far from perfect—as are their parents. But there is one thing that we can be sure they will always do: serve, love, reach out, touch, help, and communicate with others in many of the same ways that they have been served, loved, reached out to, touched, helped, and communicated with by us, their parents.

We have an example of this hot off the press that is so incredibly cute I just had to share it with you. Our almost-eighteen  year-old Josiah (sixth child of seven living)  asked a few weeks ago if he could surprise his younger brother Jacob (our youngest) by taking him to visit their oldest sister near Chicago where she is in grad school at Wheaton College (a four hour drive from us). We discussed it and decided to let him do it, so he set about planning the trip.

He must have talked to me about the “unveiling” of the trip to Jakie no fewer than a dozen times over the three weeks prior to the trip: “Should I drive home with him from my drum teaching and ask him to tell me where the gps says to turn?” “Should I take him to Cami and Joseph’s (our daughter and son-in-law) and make him think we are spending the night there but then take off from there?” “Should I pack all of his stuff while he is at piano then act like we are going to run errands?” On and on. He had a new idea everyday it seemed.

He set aside two hours the night before to go over directions with his dad, talk to us about details, call Kayla (whom they were going to see), and pack/load the car while Jacob was at the YMCA exercising with Kara (our fourth child). He gassed up his vehicle. He packed snacks. He gathered story tapes. He went to the bank and got cash. He packed Jakie’s things and hid them in the trunk.

At one point in Josiah’s preparations, he said, “Don’t you think this is the best surprise that any of the siblings have ever done for another one?” To which we just smiled and nodded. (Our kids have had a sort of unofficial “best sibling EV-ER” contest going on for many years.)

And then they left. His idea to take Jacob to Cami and Joseph’s and go from there, telling him only when Jacob noticed that they were not taking the route that led home, won out. 

And Jacob called us to see if it was really true—“are we really driving to Kayla’s for the weekend?” We could hear Josiah laughing in the background—one happy big brother.

Josiah’s idea wasn’t quite as original as he thought—but we didn’t tell him that, of course. For Josiah had just done nearly everything that we had done for him eight years ago when we took him and his siblings on a surprise weekend trip—right down to hiding packed things in the trunk, packing good snacks, sneaking out story tapes and games,  and taking a strange route to confuse them. Because by that time, we knew that  “throughout their lives, our kids will do to and for other whatever has been done to and for them.” Smile…

Q is for QUIT FIGHTING--Start Out Right With Siblings/Littles With Behavior Absolutes

Kara (4.5) and Jonathan (almost 3) doing their sibling Bible verse for a special at church: "How happy it is when brothers dwell together in unity!" 

The next tip after trying to set your toddler's taste for kindness is the following: Decide ahead of time what your "behavior absolutes" are going to be. 


1. These are the behaviors or negative character that you absolutely will not allow in your home. What you allow now will become the “acceptable behaviors” to your child. These seemingly innocent actions include “fibbing,” hitting, being mean to others, running the other way when called, etc.


2.  For us, these “behavior absolutes” included the following:

a. Talking back (no toddler saying “no” without being punished)
b. Lying or deceit
c. Temper tantrums
d. Striking (hitting, pulling hair, throwing things at someone, etc.). 
e. Being mean

Obviously, we wanted our kids to learn to obey and submit to us and to learn the many character qualities that are crucial to living a Christian life, but these five things were things we never wavered on—and things that we made huge deals out of when they were not adhered to by the toddler/preschooler.

Kara (now 23) and Jonathan (now 21) have been best friends since they were very young.--honest! ;)

One question we frequently get when discussing the idea of behavior absolutes is "How do we make a certain behavior an absolute?"

Before I delve into a couple specific tips for this, I do want to say that keeping sibling fighting to a minimum, helping brothers and sisters love each other, and instituting and enforcing a no striking policy is more a way of life than it is a list of do's and don't's. 

Obviously, we believe that there are some key things that accounted for our children's very limited fighting and not harming each other, but more than that list of things we did is the idea of being "that family." Not weird or trying to outdo others with our "uniqueness"--but rather our children knew that though others might fight all the time, we were"that family"--the family that doesn't allow that. Though other children may raise their hands to harm their sibling, we are "that family"--and we do not permit hurting each other.

A way of life--one that begins with "setting tastes" for kindness and good character and one that has certain expectations always in place. Not expectations that "do this or you're toast" but expectations that Mom and Dad taught us this way, and this is how we live. 

But on to that list--a few things that we think can help a family develop certain behavior absolutes (including loving and being kind to siblings):


1. Behavior absolutes begin with a mindset. 

This mindset is one with faith in what you are doing. Faith that making behavior absolutes that our children will learn to follow is what is truly best. Faith that these things that we are saying are not allowed in our home are things that God would have us do. Faith that God will bless our family's consistency, efforts, and desire to please Him. Faith that consistency and godliness in our home really will work.

It is also a mindset that says, "What I am trying to do here is so important that I am going to put the time and energy into it that it takes to accomplish it. I am not going to let things slide that I know will cause us not to meet our goals for our children's behaviors. I am not going to look the other way when I know something is not right. I am not going to downplay something that we have deemed as important from the beginning."

That is a tall order. But it is one that can truly be carried out. When we go into this parenting endeavor with an idea of what we truly want our homes to look like--and the determination to follow through on it--it is very possible.




2. Your reaction to behavior absolutes being broken is crucial. 

My husband has an annoying saying (it used to be; now that our kids are mostly grown, I agree with him!): "We are getting the behavior that we want. if we wanted something different, we would do something different."

While that isn't one hundred percent accurate, the concept is true. If we want our children to be kind to each other and not strike each other, then those behaviors have to be treated as terrible behaviors. We can't just say, "Be nice" and hope that their behavior changes. 

We liken behavior absolutes to sitting in a car seat. We can say over and over, "I just can't get him to quit hitting his sister." 

However, we somehow (eventually) get our child to quit screaming in the car seat and sit in there until he is five or six! How is that? It is because sitting in the car seat is a behavior absolute.  We would ever consider letting a child have his own way and sit up front between Mom and Dad. It is the law. It is the way it is--and it can't be changed.

So it is with behavior absolutes. We have to feel so strongly about those behaviors that we will not budge on them. When one of our kids is mean to another one, we will not just say "Be nice" and send him to his room. We will instead respond as though he just did something very, very bad. Because if meanness is one of our behavior absolutes, it is a very, very bad thing.

I have to inject a note here about spanking--because many "modern moms" are either against it or believe that it doesn't work. Or buy into the philosophy that spanking a child will make him mean or will make him strike others. 

I know that a family of seven children is not a full-blown case study. However, I don't see how the whole "spanking causes children to be violent" could possibly be true when all of our seven children were spanked (not carelessly; not in anger; not for frivolities or childishness) for the Four D's --and yet they are seven of the most peaceable adults you will ever meet. As children, they didn't often fight with each other--and seldom (if ever) struck another child (or bit, pulled hair, pushed, hit, etc.) after age two or so. (I'm sure they probably did as toddlers--but we treated it very seriously and nipped it in the bud.)

So yes, we spanked our children if they were mean or if they hurt others (as well as for other defiant behaviors). But we didn't have to do it often. Peace with each other and not harming others was a way of life, so it didn't take a lot of discipline for it. 

Thus, the way we respond to our behavior absolutes will have a huge bearing on how "absolute" these behaviors become. Don't take them lightly. Don't put kids in their rooms with video games or televisions because they were unkind. Don't tell children who hit that they shouldn't do that--and they should be nice. Respond with the level of unacceptability that you would for something really bad--if you think it is really bad.




3. Don't make too big of deal out of things that aren't important.

If we truly want to develop behavior absolutes in our homes, then things that are not that big of deals can't be made into big deals.

We see this all the time. A parent responds to a child leaving his socks on the living room floor in the same way that she responds to his backtalking or being unkind to his sister. While we recommend that the things you feel are behavior absolutes be given a high priority and level of response, we also believe that in general parents need to "lighten up" when it comes to childish behaviors (being too loud, making a mess, forgetting to pick up his socks, etc.) and focus on behaviors that are truly important (and from the heart)--such as direct disobedience, meanness, disrespect to parents and other authorities, etc. 

When everything our kids do is the same level of "wrongness," they will not learn the difference between sins and mistakes. When everything our kids do is punished in the same way, they will feel that they can never please us--that no matter what they do, we will find fault in them.

I won't spend a great deal of time on this as we have several posts about this under the character training label and we teach about it extensively in our parenting seminar, but just examine your parenting and see if you are placing too much emphasis on the wrongness of a behavior that is just a kid being a kid and not enough on something that is coming from a child's heart.

I will move on to older kids--including punishments that are appropriate for fighting, helping kids learn how their behaviors affect others, and teaching our kids to love and respect each other--very soon. Thanks for joining us!

And here is the sweet sibling pair when they were teens--Jonathan (17) and Kara (19). The cute thing about this pic is that it was taken when they were traveling on a summer drama team together--and they both kept it as their profile pictures on Facebook for several months. Sweet!

When Do I Give My Child a "Mulligan"?

Some of the group playing "walley-ball" at the Y

mul·li·gan

ˈməligən/

noun

informal

1. 
   
2. *
   

   (in informal golf) an extra stroke allowed after a poor shot, not counted on the scorecard.

   
   

   
   

   
   

   Recently when my sister, her husband, and her two young teen daughters were here visiting in Indiana from North Carolina, we took as many from our family who could come and my sister's family to our local YMCA to play a game called "walleyball" (rhymes with volleyball). This game is similar to volleyball in its rules--with the addition of walls as it is played in a racquetball court. 

   
   

   Since the court is smaller than a regular court, the game is actually a little easier for those who are not as strong--but not as easy for stronger people who hit the back wall (one of the out of bounds zones) quite often. The combination of the walls, the rules, the size of the court, and the various strengths of the players that night has made me think over and over again in the days since we played about the idea of the "mulligan."

   
   

   As indicated in the opening of this post, a mulligan is "an extra stroke allowed after a poor shot"--that is NOT counted on the scorecard or against the one who has been issued the "second chance." 

   
   

   This term is one that we have thrown around our family of seven children (now ages fifteen through thirty) for years since my husband is a master at adapting games to fit the crowd who is playing. He loves to bring two or three families together and modify a kickball game or our oldest son's homemade handball invention in order to allow littles to play with biggies; parents to play with children; and lesser skilled participants to play with "athletes." Thus, a "mulligan" is a familiar word--and one that has been spoken many, many times in our home over our thirty years of parenting  as we have enjoyed playing with our children.

   
   

   It wasn't uncommon during our walleyball night to hear someone shout "mulligan" whenever a person attempted to serve but didn't make it over the net. Then we would evaluate and determine "yes" the person gets a mulligan or "no" he does not. What has led me to think of these mulligans quite often since that evening is the criterion on which we based giving mulligans that night. 

   
   

   I mean, how does someone tell a sweet, small, twelve-year-old balletic niece that she cannot have a do-over after she tried so hard to get the ball over the net? Or how do you turn down a poor middle-aged sister (*smile*) who is still recovering from frozen shoulder surgery: "too bad--you should have hit it harder"?

   
   

   So when did we give mulligans that night--and what does this have to do with parenting?

   
   

   
   

   

   
   

   
   

   Allow me to give you our walleyball mulligan run-down:

   
   

   1. My younger niece is not a "ball" type of athlete. She is a dancer, cheerleader, and gymnast. She is also fairly tiny. She was a good sport about the whole night--but walleyball probably wouldn't be her first choice of games. Because she is small, she had trouble getting her serves over at times, so everybody agreed to give our sweet Brittany some mulligans when her serve fell short of the net.

   
   

   2. My sister had just had surgery for frozen shoulder approximately ten weeks before our Y night. She was able to play okay, but definitely didn't have the range of motion that a serve often took. Thus, we moved her closer to the net and gave her mulligans.

   
   

   3. Our youngest daughter (22) has never been a volleyball player. She always thought she was terrible at it, and she often sat on the sidelines and watched others play through the years (in spite of her being very fit, a runner, and serious ab-workout girl!). She wouldn't ask for a mulligan when she missed, but because she has just been learning volleyball over the past few years, we sometimes offered her a mulligan as well.

   
   

   
   

   

   
   

   
   

   Who didn't get a mulligan?

   
   

   1. I adore volleyball. I played a little in high school, and while I'm not great at it, my years of experience in playing it at picnics, etc., meant that I was not a mulligan candidate. 

   
   

   2. See that athlete in the picture above--serious tennies and headband? That is our son's girlfriend who was the captain of her high school volleyball team and took MVP at nationals. She is playing volleyball at Moody Bible College this fall--no mulligan for that expert!

   
   

   3. See that young man below? He is our fifteen year old--our youngest child. And he can be hyper, funny, loud, helpful, compassionate, and crazy all at the same time. On this particular night, he (as many fifteen year old boys do) tried to serve overhanded as hard as he could in an effort to score on every serve. Thus, he often hit the ball too hard and hit the back wall or the ceiling--both out of bounds spots. No mulligan for someone who knows how to do it but is hot dogging! ;)

   
   

   4. None of the men or teen boys got mulligans. They are strong, athletic, and competitive. No motivation or encouragement was needed!

   
   

   
   

   

   
   

   
   

   
   

   So what does this have to do with parenting? More than you might think.

   
   

   In the "game" of parenting, we have the opportunity every day to give more chances or to show "tough love"--to extend grace or to train through consequences. We face these situations often unprepared. 

   
   

   We lament over them--"I just feel like if I don't bring his shoes to gym class and he gets an F for the day, he will blame me" or "I know we have told her dozens of times not to leave her phone lying around at the gym, but now that it is stolen, I feel sorry for her because she misses talking to her friends. And we homeschool, so her phone is a way she socializes," etc. etc. etc.

   
   

   And I am not making light of any of these scenarios. We, after all, have raised six "teens"--and have one teen that we are in the thick of raising (a last child, nonetheless!).

   
   

   Grace. Training. Mercy. Responsibility. I mean, honestly, who wants to choose among those?

   
   

   But let's break down our walleyball game a little further to see if we can get some benchmarks for giving our kids mulligans:

   
   

   1. Brittany is younger. She is not as strong as the big guys. She is not as used to ball handling like her sister who plays basketball at school. Extending mulligans to Brittany, who was trying to serve the ball over the net with all her might and had a good attitude in the process, is a good decision.

   
   

   And so is giving a mulligan to a child who is struggling and genuinely wants to change/alter his behavior/make things different. And you know what? Most of the time we parents know when this child deserves a mulligan. The key is going to be to not give mulligans forever to a struggling child--but to gradually reduce the mulligans as the child becomes stronger and more adept.

   
   

   
   

   2. My sister was injured for pity's sake! She was being a sport just joining in the family fun.

   
   

   When a child is downhearted or overwhelmed, he often needs grace. I don't mean in trouble because of continual bad decisions or poor character but rather truly discouraged. When mercy is extended to a child in this situation, it can make a huge difference in how he pulls himself up by his bootstraps and gets moving in the right direction. 

   
   

   How long does a person with a shoulder injury need to recuperate before she should just serve already? Just as my sister's doctor told her that it varies from person to person (with hers being more extensive once they got in there and found bone spurs as well), so it is with our children.

   
   

   This is where heart parenting really comes in to play. Should the mulligans come to an end and this "injured one" come back now? Are we prolonging the healing process by not letting her live with consequences?

   
   

   Someone who is hurting needs a mulligan--but not forever.

   
   

   
   

   3. Volleyball playing is somewhat of a new experience for Kara. Granted, she is twenty-two in these pictures, but she has only been getting on the court and playing over the past couple of years. You could say that she is in volleyball training.

   
   

   A child who is "in training" in a certain area needs more mulligans than the child who has already been doing that skill or task for a while. We talk about this in our parenting seminar--the idea of "childishness." Childishness (forgetfulness, irresponsibility, etc.) in a child who is still learning his morning routine or his after school chores is best handled incrementally--with mulligans in place as needed--but not so many mulligans that the immaturity and irresponsibility remain.

   
   

   We gave Kara a mulligan or two--but her volleyball training is about over (evidenced by how much better she played tonight than the previous time we played), and her walleyball mulligans are about to come to an end as well.

   
   

   
   

   
   

   

   Warming up...

   
   

   What about those who didn't get mulligans?

   
   

   1. Strong people who have done something over and over again do not need the motivation that comes with a mulligan (usually). It was easy to tell our twenty year old, athletic son to roll the ball under the net if he hit the ceiling on his serve. No training was taking place; no motivation or encouragement was needed.

   
   

   2. Those who were hitting the ball so hard that it hit the ceiling or the back wall did not need mulligans. They needed to learn cause and effect. Walleyball is different than volleyball--the court is shorter and the back wall and ceiling are off limits. If you continue to smack the ball with that force, you will serve it out, and the other team will get the ball. 

   
   

   It wasn't that hard in our walleyball game to determine who got a mulligan and who didn't. 

   
   

   And while that isn't always the case in parenting, we can use some key benchmarks for extending grace, including age of the child, past experience, whether other consequences have already been in place but didn't help, the attitude of the child at the time, the frequency with which something occurs, the strength of the child, and more.

   
   

   Because sometimes each one of us needs a mulligan in this game called life.

   
   

   
   

   
   

I Love to Watch You...

Affirmation. Words of encouragement. Words of praise. Words of confirmation. Words of affection. Words of pride. Words of belonging. These all describe that one word--affirmation.

I recently read an article about a study of hundreds of college athletes that lasted over three decades. In this article,  “What Makes a Nightmare Sports Parent and What Makes a Great One.” these college athletes described two things that are poignant for parents of all children, including non-athletes.

The first question they answered was "What is your worst memory from playing youth and high school sports?"

The majority of those surveyed said, "The ride home from games with my parents."

(If you have read much of what we have written or heard us speak often, you know that we focus on riding with our children in the van or car as one of the key opportunities to teach, affirm, talk, love, and train. It breaks my heart that this "sacred time" is remembered as one of the most dreadful times for these hundreds of athletes.)

Of course, we can all imagine why--because there probably isn't a parent reading this (author included) who hasn't come down on a child on the drive home from something about his performance--teacher conferences, speech contest, debate tournament, soccer game, swim meet, even pick-up basketball games are all opportunities to "teach" our child what he did "wrong" in the aforementioned event.

My husband, who is truly the best dad I know, one who talks to his kids on the phone and in person quite literally hours every day, even does this, so I know it is hard to conquer. And it isn't always the parent's fault either--as I know our kids usually probe on the way home from a performance, sermon, or song. They ask us questions that make us feel like we should be "teaching" at that time.

However, we really need to resist the urge to teach at that time. My experience has been that they ask and ask, but they really don't want a lesson. They really just want to hear the positive at that time. I have to remind myself that there will be time for teaching and lessons later--when the performance, sermon, or song isn't so fresh.

The study went on to prove this point further by telling how the kids described their joy over grandparents attending their sporting events. It seems that grandparents are more likely to watch, cheer, and then praise--with no lessons or strings attached.

Turning from the negative and what not-to-do, to the positive, these same athletes were asked what their parents did right--what made them feel good about themselves and their performances. The majority of them said that they were filled with joy when their parents simply said six little words:

 "I love to watch you play."

No lessons, lectures, or analyses. Just six simple words that made hundreds of college and professional athletes look back on their time following sporting events with their parents fondly.

And six little words that we can use to affirm our children all the time.

I was happy to read this article because one of my favorite buzz lines after my kids perform is

I could watch you _________________ forever.

I could watch you dance forever. I could watch you sing forever. I could watch you preach forever. I could watch you teach forever. I could watch you act forever. I could watch you direct forever. I could watch you lead forever. I could watch you play forever. I could watch you study forever.

The thing about these lines---I love to watch you.... or I could watch you ..... forever---is that our child doesn't have to be the best to say these things. He doesn't have to have just played a perfect game. He doesn't have to have just scored the winning run. He doesn't have to have given a flawless performance.

He is our child. We love to watch him grow, do, be, become. We are saying that the child is so amazing to us--without being the gold medal winner. We are saying that he is important. That we want to be with him. That we love to watch him do what he loves to do.

We are affirming. With six little words.

I love to watch you....