When Do I Give My Child a "Mulligan"?

Some of the group playing "walley-ball" at the Y

mul·li·gan

ˈməligən/

noun

informal

1. 
   
2. *
   

   (in informal golf) an extra stroke allowed after a poor shot, not counted on the scorecard.

   
   

   
   

   
   

   Recently when my sister, her husband, and her two young teen daughters were here visiting in Indiana from North Carolina, we took as many from our family who could come and my sister's family to our local YMCA to play a game called "walleyball" (rhymes with volleyball). This game is similar to volleyball in its rules--with the addition of walls as it is played in a racquetball court. 

   
   

   Since the court is smaller than a regular court, the game is actually a little easier for those who are not as strong--but not as easy for stronger people who hit the back wall (one of the out of bounds zones) quite often. The combination of the walls, the rules, the size of the court, and the various strengths of the players that night has made me think over and over again in the days since we played about the idea of the "mulligan."

   
   

   As indicated in the opening of this post, a mulligan is "an extra stroke allowed after a poor shot"--that is NOT counted on the scorecard or against the one who has been issued the "second chance." 

   
   

   This term is one that we have thrown around our family of seven children (now ages fifteen through thirty) for years since my husband is a master at adapting games to fit the crowd who is playing. He loves to bring two or three families together and modify a kickball game or our oldest son's homemade handball invention in order to allow littles to play with biggies; parents to play with children; and lesser skilled participants to play with "athletes." Thus, a "mulligan" is a familiar word--and one that has been spoken many, many times in our home over our thirty years of parenting  as we have enjoyed playing with our children.

   
   

   It wasn't uncommon during our walleyball night to hear someone shout "mulligan" whenever a person attempted to serve but didn't make it over the net. Then we would evaluate and determine "yes" the person gets a mulligan or "no" he does not. What has led me to think of these mulligans quite often since that evening is the criterion on which we based giving mulligans that night. 

   
   

   I mean, how does someone tell a sweet, small, twelve-year-old balletic niece that she cannot have a do-over after she tried so hard to get the ball over the net? Or how do you turn down a poor middle-aged sister (*smile*) who is still recovering from frozen shoulder surgery: "too bad--you should have hit it harder"?

   
   

   So when did we give mulligans that night--and what does this have to do with parenting?

   
   

   
   

   

   
   

   
   

   Allow me to give you our walleyball mulligan run-down:

   
   

   1. My younger niece is not a "ball" type of athlete. She is a dancer, cheerleader, and gymnast. She is also fairly tiny. She was a good sport about the whole night--but walleyball probably wouldn't be her first choice of games. Because she is small, she had trouble getting her serves over at times, so everybody agreed to give our sweet Brittany some mulligans when her serve fell short of the net.

   
   

   2. My sister had just had surgery for frozen shoulder approximately ten weeks before our Y night. She was able to play okay, but definitely didn't have the range of motion that a serve often took. Thus, we moved her closer to the net and gave her mulligans.

   
   

   3. Our youngest daughter (22) has never been a volleyball player. She always thought she was terrible at it, and she often sat on the sidelines and watched others play through the years (in spite of her being very fit, a runner, and serious ab-workout girl!). She wouldn't ask for a mulligan when she missed, but because she has just been learning volleyball over the past few years, we sometimes offered her a mulligan as well.

   
   

   
   

   

   
   

   
   

   Who didn't get a mulligan?

   
   

   1. I adore volleyball. I played a little in high school, and while I'm not great at it, my years of experience in playing it at picnics, etc., meant that I was not a mulligan candidate. 

   
   

   2. See that athlete in the picture above--serious tennies and headband? That is our son's girlfriend who was the captain of her high school volleyball team and took MVP at nationals. She is playing volleyball at Moody Bible College this fall--no mulligan for that expert!

   
   

   3. See that young man below? He is our fifteen year old--our youngest child. And he can be hyper, funny, loud, helpful, compassionate, and crazy all at the same time. On this particular night, he (as many fifteen year old boys do) tried to serve overhanded as hard as he could in an effort to score on every serve. Thus, he often hit the ball too hard and hit the back wall or the ceiling--both out of bounds spots. No mulligan for someone who knows how to do it but is hot dogging! ;)

   
   

   4. None of the men or teen boys got mulligans. They are strong, athletic, and competitive. No motivation or encouragement was needed!

   
   

   
   

   

   
   

   
   

   
   

   So what does this have to do with parenting? More than you might think.

   
   

   In the "game" of parenting, we have the opportunity every day to give more chances or to show "tough love"--to extend grace or to train through consequences. We face these situations often unprepared. 

   
   

   We lament over them--"I just feel like if I don't bring his shoes to gym class and he gets an F for the day, he will blame me" or "I know we have told her dozens of times not to leave her phone lying around at the gym, but now that it is stolen, I feel sorry for her because she misses talking to her friends. And we homeschool, so her phone is a way she socializes," etc. etc. etc.

   
   

   And I am not making light of any of these scenarios. We, after all, have raised six "teens"--and have one teen that we are in the thick of raising (a last child, nonetheless!).

   
   

   Grace. Training. Mercy. Responsibility. I mean, honestly, who wants to choose among those?

   
   

   But let's break down our walleyball game a little further to see if we can get some benchmarks for giving our kids mulligans:

   
   

   1. Brittany is younger. She is not as strong as the big guys. She is not as used to ball handling like her sister who plays basketball at school. Extending mulligans to Brittany, who was trying to serve the ball over the net with all her might and had a good attitude in the process, is a good decision.

   
   

   And so is giving a mulligan to a child who is struggling and genuinely wants to change/alter his behavior/make things different. And you know what? Most of the time we parents know when this child deserves a mulligan. The key is going to be to not give mulligans forever to a struggling child--but to gradually reduce the mulligans as the child becomes stronger and more adept.

   
   

   
   

   2. My sister was injured for pity's sake! She was being a sport just joining in the family fun.

   
   

   When a child is downhearted or overwhelmed, he often needs grace. I don't mean in trouble because of continual bad decisions or poor character but rather truly discouraged. When mercy is extended to a child in this situation, it can make a huge difference in how he pulls himself up by his bootstraps and gets moving in the right direction. 

   
   

   How long does a person with a shoulder injury need to recuperate before she should just serve already? Just as my sister's doctor told her that it varies from person to person (with hers being more extensive once they got in there and found bone spurs as well), so it is with our children.

   
   

   This is where heart parenting really comes in to play. Should the mulligans come to an end and this "injured one" come back now? Are we prolonging the healing process by not letting her live with consequences?

   
   

   Someone who is hurting needs a mulligan--but not forever.

   
   

   
   

   3. Volleyball playing is somewhat of a new experience for Kara. Granted, she is twenty-two in these pictures, but she has only been getting on the court and playing over the past couple of years. You could say that she is in volleyball training.

   
   

   A child who is "in training" in a certain area needs more mulligans than the child who has already been doing that skill or task for a while. We talk about this in our parenting seminar--the idea of "childishness." Childishness (forgetfulness, irresponsibility, etc.) in a child who is still learning his morning routine or his after school chores is best handled incrementally--with mulligans in place as needed--but not so many mulligans that the immaturity and irresponsibility remain.

   
   

   We gave Kara a mulligan or two--but her volleyball training is about over (evidenced by how much better she played tonight than the previous time we played), and her walleyball mulligans are about to come to an end as well.

   
   

   
   

   
   

   

   Warming up...

   
   

   What about those who didn't get mulligans?

   
   

   1. Strong people who have done something over and over again do not need the motivation that comes with a mulligan (usually). It was easy to tell our twenty year old, athletic son to roll the ball under the net if he hit the ceiling on his serve. No training was taking place; no motivation or encouragement was needed.

   
   

   2. Those who were hitting the ball so hard that it hit the ceiling or the back wall did not need mulligans. They needed to learn cause and effect. Walleyball is different than volleyball--the court is shorter and the back wall and ceiling are off limits. If you continue to smack the ball with that force, you will serve it out, and the other team will get the ball. 

   
   

   It wasn't that hard in our walleyball game to determine who got a mulligan and who didn't. 

   
   

   And while that isn't always the case in parenting, we can use some key benchmarks for extending grace, including age of the child, past experience, whether other consequences have already been in place but didn't help, the attitude of the child at the time, the frequency with which something occurs, the strength of the child, and more.

   
   

   Because sometimes each one of us needs a mulligan in this game called life.

   
   

   
   

   
   

Your Kids Will Do To and For Others What You Have Done To and For Them....

"Throughout their lives, your kids will do to and for others what you have done to and for them.”

 

 

In our “Character for Tweens and Teens” seminar, we stress the quote above—because we have seen it over and over in our children’s lives during our thirty years of parenting. And it is truly something to consider in the time, effort, money, and teaching that we invest in our children. When I look back at how true this statement has been in our lives, I just want to tell every parent that there are genuine dividends paid for all of that investing!

I could share examples of this with you from every age and stage of our seven kids:

*How Joshua, our first born, when he was six or seven,  would sit in the back of the van and tell his sisters what to expect when we got to our destination, how they should behave and how they should treat others—because his mommy and daddy had done that for him since he was a toddler.

*How Kayla, our second daughter, took it upon herself at age fourteen to do all of the family cooking for a long period of time during my grief after our stillborn daughter’s birth and my harrowing ruptured uterus—because her parents had served her, fed her, and taught her everything she needed to know in the kitchen.

*How Cami, our third child, started a ministry for the disabled when she was a senior in high school (that still runs today seven years later and ministers to over a hundred disabled adults every week)—because we taught her to look into people’s hearts to see their deepest needs, and we looked into her heart.

*How the girls planned a special meal for their brothers and even called and invited their grandparents to their “Silly Supper” while Mom and Dad were out of town---because Mom and Dad had always tried to make things special for them.

*How Kara, our fourth child, listened intently night after night to the needs of the teens on the traveling drama team that she led—because her parents had listened to her needs for twenty years.

And on and on and on and on. Our children are far from perfect—as are their parents. But there is one thing that we can be sure they will always do: serve, love, reach out, touch, help, and communicate with others in many of the same ways that they have been served, loved, reached out to, touched, helped, and communicated with by us, their parents.

 

We have an example of this hot off the press that is so incredibly cute I just had to share it with you. Our almost-eighteen  year-old Josiah (sixth child of seven living)  asked a few weeks ago if he could surprise his younger brother Jacob (our youngest) by taking him to visit their oldest sister near Chicago where she is in grad school at Wheaton College (a four hour drive from us). We discussed it and decided to let him do it, so he set about planning the trip.

He must have talked to me about the “unveiling” of the trip to Jakie no fewer than a dozen times over the three weeks prior to the trip: “Should I drive home with him from my drum teaching and ask him to tell me where the gps says to turn?” “Should I take him to Cami and Joseph’s (our daughter and son-in-law) and make him think we are spending the night there but then take off from there?” “Should I pack all of his stuff while he is at piano then act like we are going to run errands?” On and on. He had a new idea everyday it seemed.

He set aside two hours the night before to go over directions with his dad, talk to us about details, call Kayla to talk details (whom they were going to see), and pack/load the car while Jacob was at the YMCA exercising with Kara (our fourth child). He gassed up his vehicle. He packed snacks. He gathered story tapes. He went to the bank and got cash. He packed Jakie’s things and hid them in the trunk.

At one point in Josiah’s preparations, he said, “Don’t you think this is the best surprise that any of the siblings have ever done for another one?” To which we just smiled and nodded. (Our kids have had a sort of unofficial “best sibling EV-ER” contest going on for many years.)

And then they left. His idea to take Jacob to Cami and Joseph’s and go from there, telling him only when Jacob noticed that they were not taking the route that led home, won out. And Jacob called us to see if it was really true—“are we really driving to Kayla’s for the weekend?” We could hear Josiah laughing in the background—one happy big brother.

Josiah’s idea wasn’t quite as original as he thought—but we didn’t tell him that, of course. For Josiah had just done nearly everything that we had done for him eight years ago when we took him and his siblings on a surprise weekend trip—right down to hiding packed things in the trunk, packing good snacks, sneaking out story tapes and games,  and taking a strange route to confuse them. Because by that time, we knew that  “throughout their lives, our kids will do to and for others whatever has been done to and for them.” Smile…

“When You Rise Up”: Faith in the Mornings— “Rockies and Reading” Part I of II

“You shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up” Deuteronomy 6:7




When our babies got to be about six months old or so—and then throughout their toddlerhood—we seldom rocked them to sleep. If the baby was still nursing, I would nurse, rock, sing, oftentimes read, etc. then frequently put the baby in bed awake. (It should be noted that this was after a gentle introduction to the world with frequent nursings and close physical contact for the first few months.) When the baby was being weaned, the first feeding to go was often the afternoon nursing—and it was replaced with the baby’s own special story and song time.




While we seldom rocked our babies to sleep after six months or so, they were almost always gotten out of bed following naps and in the mornings with “rockies and reading.” This post is falling under “when you rise up,” but could also fall under “when you sit in your house” (after baby’s nap). “Rockies and reading” time is an opportunity to do many amazing things in parenting of these little ones: (1) Help them start their day or late afternoon/evening cheerfully; (2) Give them a little bonding time of their own (when other siblings do not need or “get” Mommy; (3) Start their Bible teaching, read aloud times, and love for learning at an early age; (4) Build memories that will warm your heart when your three youngest children are eighteen, sixteen, and twelve (!).




We had two baskets for our babies: the baby toy basket and the baby book basket (more on that in “character training” through chores in the morning later on). The baby book basket held cardboard, cloth, and plastic coated books for Baby. Several of these were Bible story books, and I read from these every day for as long as Baby would sit there and look at them with me, rocked, sang songs, did rhymes, and bonded when I got the toddler out of bed in the mornings or after naps. Our toddlers never missed being rocked to sleep with “rockies and readings” a couple of times a day! Smile…




Tomorrow: links for some of my favorite “early Bible books” for toddlers.

“When You Rise Up”: Faith in the Mornings— Faith Listening—Part I of I

“You shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up” Deuteronomy 6:7



Once things are underway in our home in the mornings, the kids have a tendency to put on the “listen of the time”—usually Adventures in Odyssey, Jonathan Park, Down Gilead Lane, Sugar Creek Gang, Father Gilbert, Your Story Hour, Focus on the Family radio dramas, or talking books (often Boxcar Children or Magic Tree House, though lately it’s been Little House books unless one of the older guys is manning the player, in which case it might be Les Miserable or Tale of Two Cities!). While faith and character are definitely included in many of those, especially Odyssey, Jonathan Park, Gilead, Sugar Creek, and Your Story Hour, I like to “do hard things” first. It’s easy to listen to radio dramas; it’s entertaining to listen to chapter books; but it takes work, brain power, engagement, and “putting on the mind of Christ” to do more devotional types of material.


Therefore, one of my favorite “listens” to put on in the morning is the Bible—either dramatized or not. We have had many of these through the years—and have many fond memories of them, like the time when Joshua turned twelve and listened to the entire Old Testament in eight weeks or when we have listened to an entire New Testament book during a family work evening. But clicking on a chapter or two in the mornings and having that playing in the background (super alternative to morning television or news radio!) is an uplifting, faith-building way to begin the day.

The link below is an awesome Bible listening link. If you have your computer in the main area of the home (another suggestion we have for families who want to protect their kids from harmful internet possibilities), you can “click” and listen to the Bible right in the main traffic areas of your home first thing in the morning!

Bible Gateway: Choose version and book of the Bible—then click the “speaker” to hear it on audio. A neat feature is that it has the text on the screen as well, so if you hear something you want to double check, you can look at the words as well. http://www.biblegateway.com/



The following link has “the Bible on one page”—click on the chapter of the book and you will go directly to it at the Bible Gateway. Then you click to hear it or read it—you may also change the version. This is a cool little page: http://www.jrsbible.info/bible.htm

Character Q & A: How Can I Start Character Training With My Toddler? Part II of II

Continued from last post…



3. Decide ahead of time what your “behavior absolutes” are.

a. These are the behaviors or character that you absolutely will not allow in your home. What you allow now will become the “acceptable behaviors” to your child. These seemingly innocent actions include “fibbing,” hitting, running the other way when called, etc.

b. For us, these “behavior absolutes” included talking back (no toddler saying “no” without being punished); lying or deceit; temper tantrums; and striking (hitting, pulling hair, throwing things at someone, etc.). Obviously, we wanted our kids to learn to obey and submit to us and to learn the many character qualities that are crucial to living a Christian life, but these four things were things we never wavered on—and things that we made huge deals out of when they were not adhered to by the toddler/preschooler.

4. Start showing your little one the joy of doing what is right. Contentment in your own life, the blessing of work, the joy of loving God and His people—and all of the character that you want your little one to adopt in his life—love, longsuffering, diligence, responsibility, and more will more likely be realized in our kids’ lives when we ourselves embrace and model them.

5. Try to establish routines that will aid in his character development—bedtimes, rising times, little “chores” (putting his books in his book basket after you read), nap times, meal times, story time, etc.



For more tips on toddlers and babies, click on the links provided below:



Who makes the decisions for the children—starts here and goes for a few days: http://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/10/day-260-who-makes-decisions-for.html




Say what you mean—starts here and goes for two days: http://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/09/day-248-dont-leave-your-little-one-at.html






Storytime: http://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/07/day-204-story-time.html

Character Q & A: How Can I Start Character Training With My Toddler? Part I of II

Question: How can I start some of the character training concepts and habits that you describe with a toddler?


Answer: If you are just starting out with your family and have only a toddler, you have the perfect opportunity to start out right in the character training of your children! I will offer some general tips below, but even more importantly than the “daily ins and outs” of the ideas I recommend, I suggest that you read Parenting Paradigms at this blog. Even if you take to heart some of the ideas for your little one given in this Q and A, in the end, you will be more successful at character training if you have a firm handle on what you believe about parenting and children.



Toddler Character Training Tips:



1. Start adapting the toddler to your schedule and your family’s lifestyle as soon as you can (six to nine months) rather than making your family’s life revolve around the little one’s “wants.” You want to enjoy your toddler within the dynamics that your family already has (with the addition of the joy and wonder that a toddler brings into the family, of course)—as opposed to making everything change to meet unnecessary and often damaging demands that a toddler who is given his own way all the time can often make.



2. Remember that you are setting the stage right now for your child’s “tastes” (follow us on PP 365 or schedule our seminar for more details about this important concept).

a. You can set his tastes for defiance (allowing screaming, throwing, thrashing, and “no” from him) or submission.

b. You can set his tastes for selfishness and meanness (allowing hitting or other forms of striking, giving in to him when he wants something that someone else has, always making his surroundings whatever he wants (i.e. no bedtime, no sitting in high chair, etc.) due to “fits” or for kindness, gentleness, sweetness, and tenderness.

c. You can set his tastes for hyper-stimulation and activity (too much running; no scheduled down times; television and videos all the time) or for simple things (books, healthy toys, rest, etc.).

d. You can set his tastes to lack focus and not enjoy learning (again, too much video, not starting out with books and simple music; an avalanche of cartoons and children’s programming (some of which are developed in two second bits to keep up with short attention spans, thus, causing kids’ attention spans not to lengthen as they should) or a love for learning (via books, strong family learning and discussion times, etc.).


Tomorrow—deciding “behavior absolutes” for your toddler and establishing routines.

Re-Run From Last Year: "Shoeless" Joe Jackson Part II of II

Yesterday I described how we took our boys to the "Shoeless" Joe Jackson museum and how many teaching opportunities arise when we are looking for them everyday. Today I will describe some of the discussions that followed our museum visit to show how we can carry out the Deuteronomy verse about teaching our kids all the time!


"You shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up…”





To get your mind churning about the many ways we can start powerful, life-affecting discussions with our children as we “walk by the way” on vacation, field trips, at the park, in the zoo, and within our homes, I want to give you a short list of some of the talks we had as a result of our hour long visit to the infamous baseball player’s home place. (See yesterday’s post to learn more about our visit there.)


Read through this list and jot down some notes for your family—what things have you watched, read, seen, or experienced that could lead to true spiritual, mental, moral, and ethics teaching in your children’s lives?




*Could a person who broke sports records in a certain game actually be involved in “throwing” that game? Is Jackson’s record breaking that day proof that he was not involved in the cheating? (Jackson made baseball history with his remarkable performance on the day that he supposedly cheated.)


*Does poor leadership and unfair treatment by an authority give us an excuse to take things into our own hands or even “cheat” to get what is due us? (It was purported that the “throwing” was initiated because of the owner, Cominsky’s, mistreatment of his players.)


*What does a hasty response lead to? (It was thought that perhaps Joe Jackson agreed to the cheating on a whim or as a joke but then didn’t really want to or plan to.)


*Does trying to return stolen goods or “dirty money” make everything all right? (It was said that once he did get the money, he went to Cominsky/coaches to give it back as proof that he didn’t want to partake in the activity.)


*What role did illiteracy play in all of Jackson’s troubles? How important is literacy at a basic level and critical thinking at higher levels in not getting involved in things unknowingly? (Again, another reasoning for Jackson’s trouble was his inability to read/write and his signing of documents that led him into more trouble.)


*How did getting involved with evil companions lead to “Shoeless’” downfall? What does the Bible say about negative companions and peers? (It was suggested that Joe Jackson got involved with gangster type of teammates, which led to his demise.)

Re-Run From Last Year: Shoeless Joe Jackson Part I of II

Because I am chasing my tail trying to catch up after a long weekend visit to my daughter, I am going to run an old post--one that is appropriate to the character training tips we have been discussing. This post and the next one exemplify the concept of teaching our children all the time--and using everything around us to teach biblical principles and character. Thanks for joining us!





"You shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up…”







We have recently spent some time in the Greenville, South Carolina area, first of all visiting our daughter who was working there at the Academy of Arts (and seeing her in the drama, “Little Women”) and then picking up our son from his summer drama ministry travels (and attending the closing ceremonies of the traveling drama teams). One day we had a little extra time and, like we often do, found ourselves at a local museum—the “Shoeless” Joe Jackson Museum. (For more about the Joe Jackson story and more about his little homeplace/museum, see the links at the end of this post.)


With three boys left at home, we try to go to museums and events that will be interesting to guys—robotic exhibits, football museums, IMAX theatres, baseball games, action movies, etc. So when we discovered that Greenville has a “baseball museum,” we headed out to it one afternoon.


As we had our little mini tour (they have “Shoeless” life-long fan club members narrating his story in this tiny museum and defending Joe Jackson against the accusations brought upon him), a myriad of spiritual, moral, and relational teaching was opened up to us with the boys.


I was reminded once again of how many, many opportunities we have to teach our children God’s Word and God’s ways.


Today I will leave you with the verse above that reminds us of teaching our children at all times—and the “Shoeless” Joe Jackson links—and tomorrow I will detail some of the lively discussions that resulted from a sixty minute tour into a man’s life and indiscretions. Truly, we have “material” everywhere to teach our children!




**Info about museum/homeplace: http://www.shoelessjoejackson.org/




**Story of “Shoeless” Joe Jackson: http://www.shoelessjoejackson.com/

http://sports.jrank.org/pages/2246/Jackson-Joseph-Shoeless-Joe.html

Paradigm #10: Whether or not Christian parenting needs a foundation of relationship and empathy—Part II of II

Another picture of the relational aspects of parenting can be seen if we model our “teaching” of our kids after Jesus’ teaching and relationships with those He instructed. Jesus was the perfect teacher and leader:

1. He knew the needs of the people.

2. He listened to them.

3. He asked them questions to find out what was in their hearts.

4. He told them stories to help them understand difficult concepts.

5. He got up early and stayed up late to be with them.

6. He met them where ever they needed for Him to (i.e. in the sycamore tree or in the dark of night—reminds me of raising teens!).

7. He loved them no matter what.

8. He forgave them over and over again.

9. He never agreed with sin, but He still loved the sinner.

10. He took them on way cool outings and trips—in boats, long walks, parks, hilltops, cemeteries…

Wowsie—I want to be to my children just like God is to me. Wouldn’t that be amazingly relational? Smile….

Paradigm #5: The level of impact that parents of young children have on the obedience and self control of their little ones

We constantly see/hear parents of little ones say, “Nothing I do makes any difference. No discipline works for him.” Truly, if I had felt in my nearly thirty years of parenting that it made no difference whatsoever whether I trained my children in obedience and self-control, I would not have done the hard work! We have to believe that our child discipline makes a difference.

As for our role in a young child’s obedience and self-control, several Scriptures have confirmed our role and impact, as has our toddler and preschool parenting years. First of all, to believe that we can have a strong influence on our little one’s behavior, we must believe the preceding paradigm—that “foolishness is bound in the heart of a child.” That is, we must believe that they are capable of evil—of bad behavior, in spite of their wonderfulness. (I know that’s not a word—but it truly is the best way I can describe young children!)

Then we must believe the second part of this verse—that “discipline will drive the foolishness from the child.”

Those were covered in the last couple of paradigms. However, even more importantly, is the belief that young children are incapable, in most cases, of controlling themselves—and that we are these kids’ “outward control” and initial “conscience influencers” during those years.

I Corinthians 13 says that when I was a child, I thought as a child. Coupling this with “foolishness being bound in the heart of a child,” we believe that they are truly the sweet, darling, yet control-lacking, beings that they appear to be. And we believe that parents are given the role of “outward controller” and even partial “conscience” (and definitely conscience-influencer) during these years. We, as their parents, can control their outward behaviors (through discipline) as we teach them and influence their consciences for the future.

A toddler naturally runs the other way, screams “no,” hits his playmate with the truck, and throws his food from the high chair. A parent can gently discipline the child (controlling his outward behavior for a bit), and build his conscience for future behaviors. (Obviously, this is coupled with Paradigm #10 about relationship being foundational to parenting—coming up soon!)

We will discuss the concept of building the child’s conscience through what some experts call “making deposits in the child’s moral bank” more fully in weeks to come. For now, suffice it to say, that if we believe that we are the child’s “control” at first—and that we are his or her primary “conscience-influencers” during the first few years, we will not be lax in correcting early behaviors that are unacceptable.

What Does Character Training Look Like?

“Normal” / Worldly Parenting                  Character-Focused Parenting






Focuses on me                                                     Focuses on Christ and others                






Teaches self-indulgence                                       Teaches selflessness






Teaches immediate gratification                          Teaches longsuffering






Focuses on frivolities                                       Focuses on things of eternal value






Desires to make children happy & comfortable        Desires to help children learn to deny themselves






Raises children in a materialistic lifestyle            Raises children in a selfless, giving lifestyle






Teaches that others are lower than we are         Teaches that others should always be first






Teaches self-sufficiency                           Teaches that without God, each of us is nothing






Attempts to make child happy                  Helps children learn contentment in all things






Lives for the next thrill                                        Sees thrills and fun as rewards for hard work and service






Teaches minimalism in work and service              Taught to give all—maximum living, work, & service






Encourage children to declare personal rights  Encourage children to realize all belongs to God—        
   and ownership                                                 and we are called to give to others

Where and When Should Character Training Take Place?

Deuteronomy 6: 6 & 7 (NKVJ) points to where and when we can train our children in character:

“…You shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.”

Where: God was instructing the children of Israel to teach their children about the Lord and His ways every place they found themselves! In our times, we could say that we are to teach our children God’s principles at home, out walking and driving around, before bed, when they first get up in the mornings—and any place we are just “hanging out” with them.

When: God was instructing the children of Israel to teach their children about the Lord and His ways all day and night! In our times, we could say that we are to teach our children God’s principles anytime we are with them (which should be often to get all of these locations and times of teaching in!)—when we are at home together, when we are out and about, when we put them to bed, when we get them up in the mornings—and any time we are just “hanging out” with them.

Our associate pastor calls living the Christian life with others “doing life together.” In that sense, we should teach our children God’s ways while we are “doing life together” with them. I think it probably makes God sad to see the small amounts of time that we often spend with our children. I mean, it seems as though He planned for us to “do life” with our kids a lot—and teach them as we went along.

Another verse that sheds light on our teaching our children about living for God is found in Isaiah 28:10 (KJV)—“For precept must be upon precept, precept upon precept, line upon line, line upon line; here a little and there a little.”

When we spend a lot of time with our children—and when we see our role and responsibility in raising our sons and daughters for God—we will have opportunity to teach a little “here” and a little “there”—we will build “precept upon precept” on the previous “mini lessons” that we have taught them. And character training will be a way of life for us as inferred in God’s instruction to the children of Israel.

Why Train Children in Character and Biblical Living?

It is written in the Bible! Proverbs 22:6 tells us to “train up a child in the way he should go.” (We will study that verse in more depth in the coming weeks.) Ephesians 6:4 tells us that children are given to us to “raise in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.”

And then there is an interesting verse in I Timothy that tells us that training our children in our homes is actually a pre-requisite for leading in the church. I Timothy 3:4 says, “He (an elder) must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect.”

We are following the Lord’s admonition to raise our children for Him when we train our kids in godly character. Furthermore, we are learning how to lead others—and qualifying ourselves for leadership in other areas (specifically in the church). That’s why we should train our children in godly character and biblical living!

Why Train Our Children in Character—How It Began for Us Twenty-Seven Years Ago

Twenty-seven years ago, when we had a little one year old son and were homeschooling my junior high sister, we went to our very first “character” training workshop by Ron and Rebekah Coriell. It was a one hour session at a homeschool seminar. The Coriells were an amazing family with three sweet, adorable little girls who recited verses and character traits with so much charm they just melted the listeners’ hearts. And they definitely melted mine.

The thing I remember the most about that session was a story that Rebekah (the mother) told the group about her little seven year old. This daughter was in line for lunch at her Christian school when she told her friend that she wished she could have chocolate milk that day instead of white milk, but she could only have chocolate one day a week and she had already had it that week. Her friend encouraged her to disobey, saying, “Your mom will never know.”

And this little girl’s answer was the beginning of my desire to raise children with godly character: “My mom will not know, but God will.”

The Coriells had built within their daughter a significant “moral bank”—a place where deposits of biblical training and character lessons were frequently made. A bank of which this little girl had learned to draw from in various scenarios—even at the young age of seven years.

And thus began my twenty-seven year quest (so far!) to train my children in godly character and virtue. To attempt, with God’s help and leading and my husband’s partnering, to raise sons and daughters who understand that God always knows—and even moreso, to desire to please the God who knows with their life choices and character.