Five Ways to Help Your Son Be a Good Boyfriend/Fiance

Our first "guinea pig"! Our first born child, Joshua (31), with his wife of ten years. They put up with our novice parenting skills during their courtship and engagements--but I am so thrilled with the loving, romantic, deferential, and fun marriage that they have!

Yes, you read that title right! Our twenty-one year old engaged son (soon to be married--in four months!) NEEDS his parents. 

(As a side note, ever since we have had sixteen, eighteen, and twenty year olds, we have believed that sixteen to twenty is actually the highest need time for our kids in terms of parental guidance and input....but that is another post for another day.)

 There are key things that we can do to help Jonathan be a great boyfriend, awesome fiance--and soon, fantastic husband!

BFFs for two years; a couple for two more; engaged for six months--the sweet, happy couple

Jonathan and Maelynn have been engaged for six months,  a couple for two and a half years, and best friends for two years prior to that. Jonathan is our third child to get married, so we have quite a bit of experience in the boyfriend/fiance department (as well as a mishap or two along the way--there is no perfect way to help our kids find their way in the romantic relationship/marriage department!).

We have been extremely active in Jonathan and Maelynn's relationship from the beginning (as we have been for all three marrieds and another daughter in a serious relationship now). But not just Mom and Dad--the siblings kept their phones handy on the night that Jonathan was to propose--and texts, pictures, well-wishes, and love you's were flying across cell phone lines throughout the night. 

So here are five ways we can help our sons be good boyfriends/fiances--with this list making the assumption that said son is old enough to get married or consider getting married and the girl he is in a relationship with will likely become his wife in due time. (When to start relationships, lengths of relationships, serial dating, etc., are all topics for another post, again, on another day.)




 

One of the perks of being in a great relationship with your kids--getting to help them plan the fun things of life--here Ray is helping the kids plan and reserve their honeymoon!

1. Start the relationship with your son 

In other words, don't let him get himself into just any relationship. As Jonathan and Maelynn's friendship grew, so did our time with Jonathan. There was a lot to do emotionally and spiritually, after all! 

We were there from the beginning---helping him decide how to pursue the relationship, coaching him on how to talk with her dad, encouraging him to tell her his heart, and guiding him in the path that appeared to be unfolding before him. 

By starting the relationship with our sons, we can help them during the initial stages--help them avoid heartache, see things that they cannot see, etc. Obviously, this "starting the relationship with him" takes a lot of pre-relationship heart work. We had to have such a strong relationship with Jonathan (and Joshua, age thirty-one, ten years ago) that he WANTED us to be a part of what was going on--that he sought out our counsel, encouragement, wise words, vision, etc. (See TEENS posts at Raising Kids With Character!)

Family days can provide lots of time to talk, see how the relationship is progressing, have fun, and help our son learn how to be the best boyfriend ever!

2. Be available for both of them  

When Jonathan and Maelynn became a couple (and had both parents' blessings to pursue each other), one of the first things that we did was take them to dinner and tell them flat out that we were available. I believe my husband's words were something like "We are super excited about your relationship and really pray that it works out wonderfully. We want you to know that we are always available for you. That we will be here to cheer you, to support you, to encourage you, to help you. That we are always here."

Then we followed up--texts to both of them help us keep a pulse on the relationship. Time with just the four of us when they are home from college gives us further glimpses into the hearts of these amazing young people. Long phone calls about wedding plans (okay, and yes, spread sheets that I make in Excel to help them stay on track with wedding preps!) continue to let them know that these parents aren't going anywhere any time soon.







3. Check on the girl's heart through your son

Boys are not naturally sensitive, intuitive beings (okay, I'll say it--men are not naturally this way either). Jonathan has unusual kindness, sensitivity, intuitiveness, and compassion--but even he overlooks things in their relationship at times. 

We constantly check with Jonathan on Maelynn's heart: "How do you think Maelynn feels about that?" "Did Maelynn say that is what she wants too?" "Is Maelynn still struggling with this or that? If so, how are you helping her?" "How have you deferred to Maelynn lately?" "Are you putting her first after the Lord--and does she know it?"

Without Jonathan even realizing it, we are helping him learn to be the type of husband that Maelynn will want in the future. We are actually "parenting"--but without curfews, punishments, or constant lessons. These "heart checks" continually give Jonathan the tools he needs to grow as a fiance'.

With these "Maelynn heart checks" also come encouragement and affirmation for Jonathan when he is being a great fiance. During a recent phone conversation I had with Jonathan, he said that he had asked Maelynn specifically what she wanted to do on the four year anniversary of her mother's death--and then he told me that they had taken the afternoon off from school and walked on Lake Michigan (near their campus), talked about her mom and anything Maelynn wanted to talk about, then read together from "Five Love Languages" (not sure where he ever got such a notion!! ; 0 ). That evening they watched a movie and relaxed. He had discovered what his girl needed on this difficult day and set out to make it happen.

I gushed, "Oh Jonathan. You are such an amazing fiance. You seek out Maelynn's needs and then try to meet them. That was so special. I am so proud of you for your sensitivity and care for her." See---teaching, training, encouraging, and affirming--all because of availability and asking the right questions.




4. Check on the couple's physical relationship often 


My husband is the type of father who loves to ask questions. He feels that the kids can learn more through their answers to our questions than they would if we just gave them the answer or told them how we wanted things. 

The same is true in the area of romance. When our kids begin a relationship, he asks them what their physical plans are, point blank. "Do you see yourselves holding hands or hugging?" "How about arms around each other or leaning on each other while watching a movie?" "Do you plan to kiss during the courtship period, engagement period, or not at all (before marriage) on the lips?"

Then he listens. Then he gives them input. ("You guys have a long three years ahead of you in this relationship. I agree that kissing should be reserved for the engagement period.") He can confirm, add to, give advice, etc., because he asked them first. And then, guess what? They ask him what he thinks! (Sneaky, huh???)


Ray asks them how they are going to stay true to their commitments in this area first (again).We help them design safeguards for their physical relationship--no kissing in the car, no being alone at one of your homes, etc. 

Once the parameters have been set in the physical relationship (by the couple, with our input), we can help them stay true to their physical commitments. Ray has asked our sons who have been in relationships exactly how things are going on a regular basis.

We are helping our son be a good boyfriend (then fiance--and eventually husband) when we walk through appropriate physical contact with them from the beginning--and check on them often. Our future daughter-in-law deserves a husband who keeps his word and loves her enough to honor their pre-marital intimacy decisions.

5. Encourage your son to have fun and make things special   

We want all of our married kids to be hopeless romantics like us!

Ray and I are hopeless romantics! We ballroom dance nearly every weekend because with each song "there is a three minute period in which nobody needs anything and the only people in the world are the two of us." (Told you we were hopeless!)

And we encourage our kids in relationships to be romantic, spontaneous, fun, and surprise-filled. When Jonathan and Maelynn first started dating two and a half years ago, Ray told them to make a list of all the fun things they wanted to do together during their summer school break (after work, of course!). He told them to check it every week and be sure to do something fun each week.

Long mornings at an old, dusty book shop, long walks in the park, singing together, movies, and concerts are some of the fun things Jonathan and Maelynn enjoy doing together.

Before they got engaged six months ago, the entire family called Jonathan one-by-one to offer advice on the perfect engagement night. It was loads of fun--and encouraged Jonathan to not just get engaged but to really GET ENGAGED! ;)


A couple of days before the big night, when Jonathan was heading out to go back to college, my husband slid him a fifty dollar bill and told him to "go ahead and take her to The Melting Pot. You want this night to be as special as it can be." Yes, I had to go two weeks without a dinner date with my husband--but it was worth it to us to help Jonathan afford a super special engagement night. Encourage romance in your son--this really makes a girlfriend/fiance happy!

Jonathan and Maelynn's re-enactment of their proposal--her sister wanted pics!

We even tell the boys that it is Scriptural to have fun and "cheer" your wife: "When a man hath taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business; but he shall be free at home one years, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken" (Deuteronomy 24:5). I know, I know...taking a verse out of context, but doesn't that verse say something about how God views a marriage relationship and the husband's role to make the wife happy????

Occasionally, we just ask Jonathan, "Other than studying together for twelve hours on Saturday, what special thing did you do with Maelynn this weekend?" It can be as simple as walking downtown Chicago, playing in the game room at the college, or renting a movie for the two of them--but we don't want him to skip special things even in the midst of busy-ness (and two very serious, studious college kids!).

Additionally, we like to have fun with the sweet couple. It isn't uncommon at all for Jonathan to get a text from me giving him a potential schedule for when he is coming home to see if he and Maelynn can join us for pizza night, game night, park day, or a movie out. Being in these settings with the two of them helps us see how their relationship is going and what we can recommend to Jonathan to be a better boyfriend/fiance. 

Fun family times with the couple also give us chances to listen to Maelynn when she talks and point out little things that Jonathan might miss. (It isn't uncommon at all to hear my husband talking to one of the marrieds or dating kids on the phone and say, "I heard ____ say this the other night. What do you think he/she is feeling?" OR "When ____ said this, I didn't feel like you were really listening.") In addition to potentially helping a current situation, we are also helping to train our son or daughter's ears for really listening to the other person.

Pre-marital time with his girlfriend/fiance is the perfect opportunity for him to hone those relationship skills and character qualities that he has been learning at home since he was little.

Trust me, you WANT your son to be a good boyfriend/fiance to the woman he is going to marry because it lays the groundwork for his marriage relationship. This is the perfect opportunity for us to help our son hone the relationship skills (empathy, kindness, generosity, compassion, selflessness, love, deference, etc.) that he has been learning at home for the past eighteen or twenty years. Our training years are not over just because our son is in a serious relationship. He still needs us--and his girlfriend/fiance will be overjoyed that we helped him become a better boyfriend/fiance!

Twelve Daily Habits for 2012---All Twelve Habits Together

                                    “Twelve Daily Habits for 2012”


                                          (reprint [in part] from 2008)






With the upcoming new year, I want to share a series of posts about daily disciplines. I found out that in order for my children to develop good daily habits, I must first develop them. (Shock, shock!)


In 2008, I wrote an article entitled, “Eight Daily Habits for 2008. Now I want to revisit that with “Twelve Daily Habits for 2012”—twelve things that I try to do most days to have good days in my home, personally, in my work, and with my family. And yes, as I develop discipline and self control to carry out the “dailies” that I know I need to do, my children follow my lead and instruction to carry out theirs much better as well—because my kids’ good character begins with my good character.


P.S. If these habits appeal to you but are far from your grasp, consider adopting one habit per month---by the end of the year you will have developed twelve daily habits that will truly affect how smoothly your day, your family, and your home operate.




                                                      Habit #1: Rise With the Lord
When people used to tell me this, I, of course (being the big thinker that I am), envisioned an hour in the early morning hours, in a prayer closet uninterrupted, worshipping, praying, and reading the Word. Because that could never happen in my life (and I can give you eight good reasons why it never did!), I never truly felt like I was ever "rising with the Lord."


Then, I happened upon some verses that I could really sink my teeth into--meeting God in the night watches (perfect for us insomniacs!); God giving me a song in the night; etc. I might not be up at the crack of dawn, but I was often up throughout the night--those night watches and songs in the night were perfect for me!


Now that I am, well, maturing, I can't stay up quite as late as I used to, but I still pray at night that God will give me a song in the night and that I will wake up with that song. And when I consistently do this, I do wake up with a song in my heart, a song that God gave me in the night. Many days, before I even open my eyes, my mind will start reciting words to a song: "Lord, you are more precious than silver"; "Be thou my vision"; "Cast me not away from your presence, Oh, Lord"; and much more. I am rising with the Lord! He is giving me a song in the night, and I am waking up with His song on my lips.


What does rising with the Lord mean to you? It could mean waking up and reading the Bible or a devotional before you do anything else. It might mean a prayer time before you start your day. However God leads you to rise with Him, make it a daily habit! Do not make it so elaborate (an hour in the Word and an hour in prayer!) that you cannot continue it your entire life, but do make it meaningful enough to have an effect on your day (which should be the result of any encounter with God).






                             Habit #2: Do Not Go to Sleep Without Making a Place for God


"I will not give sleep to mine eyes, or slumber to mine eyelids, Until I found out a place for the Lord, an habitation for the mighty God of Jacob" (Psalm 132: 4 & 5).


Many years ago I found myself reciting a certain verse over and over to myself: "I will not give sleep to mine eyes, or slumber to mine eyelids, Until I found out a place for the Lord, an habitation for the mighty God of Jacob" (Psalm 132: 4 & 5). I taught it to the children and then made it into a song that my girls and I enjoyed singing for some time (and I still do today!):




“I will not (I will not) close my eyes (close my eyes);


I will not (I will not) slumber (slumber).


Til I've made a place ('til I've made a place)...


For the God of Jacob (for the God of Jacob)


'Til I've made a place ('til I've made a place)


For my Lord (for my Lord).


Til I've made a place ('til I've made a place)...


For the God of Jacob (for the God of Jacob)


'Til I've made a place ('til I've made a place)


For my Lord.”




Jacob was just a toddler at that time, and he, of course, thought we were singing about him--and often asked for the "Jakie song." However, for me, it became a nightly prayer/song. No matter what my day held; no matter how busy and hectic it was; no matter how I felt about this or that--I was telling the Lord that I would not go to sleep until I had cleared my mind and heart for Him.


I have had different Bible and devotional reading habits through the years, including reading to and with the kids most days, but regardless of my reading routines, this song/verse calms me and reminds me to stop what I am doing and make room for the most important thing—the Lord living within me.

How can you make room for the Lord everyday/every night? Some may feel that they are creating a place for God if they study the Bible before bed. Others might feel that they are clearing a path for him through family prayer or praying with your spouse. Regardless of what you do, do not close your eyes; do not slumber...until you've made a place for the Lord.






                           Habit #3: Start Your Family’s Day With God’s Word


When we start the day out with our children and God's Word, we are telling them that the Bible is the most important book to study and its truths are the most important knowledge to obtain. We decided nearly two dozen years ago that we would not teach academic subjects without teaching the Bible--and that it would be first. If we had time for the other subjects, great. If not, at least we had done the most important subject.


We have taught the Bible and character dozens of ways. There is no one "right way." Ray's favorite way is to open the Bible, read it together, and discuss it. He also enjoys “discipleship teaching”—just teaching while he and the boys are talking. (When the boys were little, they called this “Daddy talks.”) They work together in our print center a lot, so they like to discuss life then—and when he discusses life, it always eventually goes back to living a life for God. He also loves to teach them while we’re driving down the road (what Bible verse does that cloud make you think of?) or while they are doing “driver’s education”---great time to talk about selflessness, attentiveness, etc.!


I personally like using "programs"--reading from creation science books, character based books (like IBLP's Character Sketches), Bible story books for younger children (like our favorite, Family Bible Library), character booklets and other devotional type booklets, etc. Ray has read through “The Picture Bible” with each child when each little one was between the ages of four and six. I read through the entire Family Bible Library with each child around that same time.


We also enjoy reading devotional materials together: discipleship books, names of God books, Bible handbooks, and other "daily devotionals." (One of my many fond memories of teaching “Bible” and “character” to the children is twenty years ago when the three oldest kids would eat breakfast at their “little table” every morning, and I would sit at the end of the table and read to them from our devotional as they ate. Oh, sweet, sweet days!)


If this habit has eluded you in the past, just pick up a devotional or other "daily" type book (even if it is just a few paragraphs in length for each entry), and read it at breakfast every morning. That will get the ball rolling. From that will likely spring discussions and applications galore as you build those truths and principles into your children's lives.










                         Habit #4: Tie Heart Strings With Your Children Each Day


“Our daily input into our three young adult daughters' lives is like a continual healing balm to them.”


We can get so caught up in work, teaching, outside demands, and physical needs (feeding and clothing) that we overlook one of the most important things that we should do each day--tie heart strings with our children. Most parents have their children's attention for eighteen years. Those are years that we can invest in them spiritually and build relationships with them.


It is so easy to get to the end of the day and discover that we have not squeezed our special squeeze, winked our special wink, or hugged our special hug. This is especially true as our children get older and no longer cuddle in our chair with us or have "rockies."


In addition to the physical closeness that our children need, they also need our verbal affirmation and communication. Ray's and my daily input into our three young adult daughters' lives (ages seventeen, twenty, and twenty-one at the time of this original article in 2008) is like a continual healing balm to them. Two of them are heavily involved in demanding ministries--to the disabled and to the Spanish community (no English spoken!). One of them is searching for her place and working hard to prepare for her future. They need to connect with us. They need for us to tell them that we are proud of them and that we support their endeavors. They need for us to hurt with them when they are hurting. They need for us to say, "So, tell me about your day," and "Give me details!"


Tying daily heart strings is more difficult than simply reading a morning devotional or being sure the laundry is done each day. It isn't usually in the schedule. It is needed at the most inopportune times. The more you give, the more they seem to need. But it is essential. Our children need to have their heart strings tied to ours so that when the storms of life roll, they will have a safe haven of love and understanding---"Jesus" with arms and words of encouragement on this earth.


If you find that each day ends with no heart strings tied, try this little tip: In the corner of each day on your planner, put a little square. At the end of each day, write the initials of the child that you connected with that day in that little square. Purpose not to end a day without being able to write one sweet child's initials in a daily square. Each week you can look back over your planner and see who missed out that week. (You know, the squeakiest wheel gets the grease!) Then next week, you will know who needs focused on more.

Or try this tip that I did for years and years when our older children were younger: have a "day" for each child. We milked this day for all it was worth. It was the child's day to help me with dinner (or fix it herself as she got older); it was the child's day to do extra chores; it was the child's day to help teach some of the preschooler’s school. But it was also his day to pick two books for story time, sit in the front seat of the van if we went somewhere, and sit closest to Mom during read alouds. Heart-wise (and often unbeknownst to the child), it was his day to get a longer blessing during blessing time, to have a longer time with Dad at bedtime, and to get extra attention from Mom throughout the day. This is especially helpful for families with several children. Each child needs a day! :)


If you only do two things off my “twelve habits,” do Bible/character with your kids and tie heart strings every day. You can always get more organized, exercise, and work on projects later—your kids will be grown someday and these two things are not going to be on your “to do” list for forever.






         Habit #5: Get Completely Ready for the Day (Even If You’re Not Going Anywhere!)




Years ago, when my older children were younger, I seldom "fancied up" unless I was going somewhere. I often put on sweats, took my walk, then showered and put another pair of sweats on. I figured that if nobody was going to see me except the kids and Ray, I may as well use that time for something else. I hated spending time getting “fixed up” when I could be getting something done off my list (efficiency expert gone wild here!).


Then I became good friends with some gals who always seemed “fixed up.” They always looked great no matter whether I dropped in unexpectedly or saw them at the skating rink. And I decided that my family deserved more than ponytails and sweatpants.


Flylady (a self-help, organizing, cleaning guru online who helps thousands of women get control of their daily lives) sends out a daily email reminder early each morning that reads, "Dress down to your shoes." Her premise is that if you get completely ready for the day (as though you are going somewhere), you will feel more professional and serious about what you do each day. Also, if you do it first thing (or at least right after reading or exercising), you will be more energized to attack the tasks at hand.


Now that Ray and I dance for exercise after work some days, I don't just have to get ready down to my shoes; I actually have to get "dressed up" (well, somewhat dressed up). The studio where we dance has an unwritten "no jeans and no sweats" policy. But you know what? I like it. I have come to enjoy not being dowdy all the time! I don't panic if someone pulls in the driveway. If I have to run a quick, unexpected errand, I don't have to make excuses for my appearance to everyone I see.


Whether you get "fancy" each day or simply get completely ready for your day and presentable, if you are a work-at-home mom, homeschooler, or housewife with littles, I think you will enjoy it too. I feel so much better coming out to teach the kids and manage the home with myself pulled together. Besides my family deserves to have a happy, glowing mommy--and wife! Smile….








                                              Habit #6: Read Aloud to Your Kids


We have read aloud to our kids for years and years. When our older childen were little, they would get read to by me or Ray (through Bible, unit studies, devotions, and story time) three to five hours every day. Now neither of us has time to read aloud that much with the kids (and I admit I use talking books to substitute for me quite often!), but we still enjoy reading to and with the kids every day.


You have heard it all before--if you want to raise readers, you have to read to them. Children who are read to daily are x times more likely to become readers themselves, etc. etc. Guilt trip aside, we have found that reading has built a strong educational foundation--and tied heart strings at the same time. We have so many memories of "Jack, Max, and Axle at the Acme Painting Company" and "Morris learning to count," as well as inspiring devotional materials and awesome creation science books. And, yes, we have raised several readers. Even the ones who do not read lengthy pieces of literature love to read the Bible and inspirational materials. And we all still love gathering with a stack of Christmas books in December for long evenings of reading aloud.


Again, think baby steps. Just read from a Christian adventure chapter book every night towards the end of dinner. Or read two stories to the littles before naptime. Or stick a book of short stories in the van and read aloud while Dad drives. You don't have to read three to five hours a day. And you don't have to read certain books. Just enjoy reading and learning together.






               Habit #7: Do Daily Chores Every Day Even If You Do Not Get to Anything Else

Nearly twenty-five years ago we started the habit of doing the most important chores first thing each day. We might read together; then some will go do devotions while others exercise, but before we "hit the books" for the day, we do the most important daily chores for that day. For us, this means getting something started (or figured out) for the evening meal, doing a load of laundry (and starting another one), unloading and reloading the dishwasher, gathering all of the trash throughout the house and taking it out (and replacing trash bags), being sure the kitchen sink is empty and wiped out, making the beds (okay, well Mom and Dad’s bed anyway—since it is downstairs and doubles as the “den”), putting away anything that is out from the night before, and wiping down the bathrooms/scrubbing toilets.


About twenty years ago, we lived in a home with a full basement, and our schoolroom was downstairs. One morning we went down to do Bible and character reading together, and then I gave everyone assignments to go upstairs and do chores. One of the kids mentioned that it would sure be a lot easier if just did our schoolwork (sessions with Mom) right after Bible then went upstairs and did chores. I almost agreed, but told the kids, "No, we want to come down to do school meetings with a clean upstairs and all of the daily work done."


Well, when we came upstairs to do our jobs, we smelled something burning--and our attic was on fire. We had just moved into that house, a rental, so we didn't have smoke detectors up yet, so if we had stayed downstairs, we might not have discovered the fire until it was too late (especially as long as it took me to get through several elementary children’s school meetings every morning!). We called the fire department and got out of the house before any damage was done to anything except the attic. And I was quick to tell the kids that it pays to do chores first thing in the morning!


One thing about important (i.e. no clothes to wear or dishes to eat on if they are skipped!) “daily” chores that has helped me immensely in raising a large family with several children in homeschool at one time is to think of dishes and laundry the same as brushing my teeth. I never brush my teeth fewer than two times a day...and we never do dishes or laundry fewer than two times a day. Saving dishes for later and accumulating large amounts of laundry always depressed me. I cannot function in school, writing, and other household tasks with undone dishes and undone laundry (that I or someone else will have to face when all of our other work for the day is finished).


If daily chores are keeping you from doing the most important things each day, start with this one: a daily chore time for twenty minutes or so each morning in which each person has a list of tasks in order to conquer those "dailies" that keep getting in your way. If you have two, three, (or in our case, six!) people doing daily chores every morning, those ongoing, never-quite-finished tasks will not seem so big. (Note: If both parents work outside the home and the children go to school, I recommend a "cleaning up dinner chore time" in which everybody pitches in for ten to twenty minutes and does different tasks around the house--some clean the meal; some do laundry; etc.)






                                      Habit #8: Read Something Just for You Every Day


Parents are busy people! And last on the list of “to do’s” in our lives is often anything that is “for us.” However, it might behoove us to look at some of those things that we do “for us” as not being just “for us” after all. Reading for yourself each day could just be one of those things.


I’ve been a big reader all throughout my parenting years—parenting books, homeschooling magazines and catalogs, devotional materials, and discipleship books are staples that I have pored over through the years. However, a few years ago, I realized that I was seldom picking these things up anymore. I would stack them on my headboard or desk, look at them longingly, remember the days of long naps for the kids and my “lunch and reading time,” but not really get to them.


In the past few years, I have gotten better about going back to my own reading. But in 2012, I want to make it even more of a priority. Not just Bible and character in the morning with the kids, not just reading stories to Jakie, not just a chapter book with my guys, not just a family devotional at the dinner table—but my “Trusting God” by Jerry Bridges and my “Grammar Girl Devotional” and my “Writing Handbook” and my “Raising Kids for True Greatness” and on and on. Just for me…because in the long run, reading for me is not really just reading for me.






                                    Habit #9: Exercise a Little Every Day

If you have read Positive Parenting long, you have probably heard me say that I am an “all or nothing type of person.” This mindset can be either really great or absolutely horrible. It is really great when I have the time and energy to put “all” into something and come out with something wonderful because I gave it my all. It’s absolutely horrible when I can’t do “all” of something, so I do nothing. Exercise and I have definitely had that all or nothing relationship through the years.


I either walked 90-120 minutes a day, did “Abs With Denise” every night, and lost eighty pounds. Or I did nothing and gained eighty pounds. Definitely all or nothing.


As I have found with most things in my life, the older I get, the more balance I achieve—and exercise is finally coming into balance for me. No more all or nothing. If I can do ten minutes of arms and stomach a day, I do that. If I can ballroom dance for two hours one day, I do that. If I can take a long walk with one of the kids, I go for it. If we can play basketball in the driveway for thirty minutes, pass me the ball.


With this “new” approach to exercise, I will probably never be a size six again…but I will never be a size twenty-four again either! I am healthier than I have been since my “exercise mania days” (which turned out to be not so healthy when coupled with starvation diets!). And definitely healthier than my size twenty-four days.


So…do you want to join me in the coming year? Exercise a little everyday—ten, twenty, thirty, sixty, or 120 minutes. Because a little bit all the time is better than a lot very infrequently.


                                   Habit #10: Work on a Big Project Every Day


In the last post’s exercise confession, I described how I am an “all or nothing type of person.” This, as I stated earlier, can be a real boon or a real detriment.


I have always believed in the concept of “do a little bit of a big project everyday,” but, as is true with all really good things, it is not enough to believe it, you have to do it. And that’s where I break down a little.


Oh, I’ve had varying degrees of success with it—and have always loved the outcome of that success. Many years ago, I made a commitment to write curriculum a few days each week—a little at a time. And thirty thousand pages later (they are not *all* text; some are student “worktexts” with lines for the kids to fill in), I know that “write most days” really worked.


I learned a dozen years ago that organizing experts say that you can maintain an organizational system in twenty minutes per day of maintenance. We have applied this to most of our home’s organizational systems and kept things flowing despite full time jobs, homeschooling, and starting a business/family ministry. A little every day keeps things moving on bigger projects in the same way that a few “dailies” each day keep things moving on a day-by-day basis.


I even taught my kids to do this. I can remember our third child, who is now a disability ministry director and gets tons done every day, announcing near the beginning of high school, that no matter what her days held, she was going to do ten minutes of each subject every school day. Obviously, most subjects required more than that, but her thinking (and it is great thinking) was that if she got out each subject for ten minutes every day, regardless of whether she was working that day or going on a field trip, etc., she would make her way through everything by the end of the year. And it worked.


Two years ago I set out on a “do a little bit of a big project everyday” as I started Positive Parenting 3*6*5 and committed to write a post every day—365 days in a row, as much as possible. I ended that on December 30th with success—365 parenting blog posts.


I was inspired again to apply this approach to some big projects I am working on right now by the “Git It Done Guy” (http://www.steverrobbins.com/the-book/ and on FB: http://www.facebook.com/GetItDoneGuy?ref=ts&sk=wall ). This internet self-help guru described how he broke down a big project (an upcoming book) into twenty minute increments every day. I am doing the same this year with my outlines and presentation materials, as well as with our parenting blog and our Language Lady blog.

Truly, to “git ‘it done,” you just have to do it….a little bit at a time.






                                            Habit #11: Do Something for Yourself


This habit is definitely a new one for me. However, in the past year, I have lost forty pounds, forty inches, and three sizes—by doing something for myself each day. Exercise, face exercises, skin brushing, moisturizing, “anti-wrinkle” cream application, and more have been added into this busy mamma’s schedule that formerly contained washing my hair, face, and body with the same Suave shampoo that my husband uses. (I’m not a real picky person—with seven children, you either become flexible and don’t freak out over not having everything “just so”—or you make everybody around you miserable—and I have always chosen the former.)


At first, I could barely write the shortened form of my new “something for myself daily habit”—SC—and that doesn’t stand for South Carolina, but rather for “Self Care,” something I decided that I would really try to do over the past several months. It felt so, well, self-focused and self-absorbed. I mean, people are waiting on their new language arts books, my kids need their mom during the fifteen minutes I was standing in front of the mirror attempting to make wrinkles disappear, and I could be writing another book with that time!


However, I succumbed to the SC regiment—and I’m kind of liking it. Oh, I don’t do all of my “Self Care” tasks every day—and some days I fall into bed without even one SC done. But taking the time for these extras is starting to pay off—and I really love the new clothes I am fitting into! 




Habit #12: Kiss Your Spouse for at Least 15 Seconds and Hug for at Least 30 Seconds

“It isn’t, of course, the magic of kissing for fifteen seconds or hugging for thirty seconds that makes this a good daily habit. It is the fact that a fifteen second kiss is more than a peck, and a thirty second hug is more than a passing squeeze. The “time minimums” force us to stick around a little bit, stop what we’re doing, and be close to the one we love.”


This is a new "rule" for us (as of the 2008 original article)! Don't blush...you know that you function better in all areas when you have kissed and hugged enough! My brother-in-law, a much cooler, younger person than Ray or I, came home (along with my sister and their kids) this summer to visit following a marriage retreat that they had attended. When anything got stressful for my sister, he would say (as only Uncle Leonard can), "Come here, honey. You know we didn't have our kissing and hugging yet. That's probably what's wrong." What a sweet husband!


Leonard was just stressing something that all of us married parents need to emphasize: romance, including kissing and hugging, can help alleviate stress! Our kids thought our elevator kissing was unbearable already, without enduring it for a full fifteen seconds! But you know what? They secretly like it. :)


It isn’t, of course, the magic of kissing for fifteen seconds or hugging for thirty seconds that makes this a good daily habit. It is the fact that a fifteen second kiss is more than a peck, and a thirty second hug is more than a passing squeeze. The “time minimums” force us to stick around a little bit, stop what we’re doing, and be close to the one we love. Maybe there won't always be time for romance, hearts, flowers, and rainbows, but our marriage is the most important (and longest!) relationship we have on this earth. We need to protect it, nurture it, and shower it with kisses and hugs.






So….there you have it. Twelve daily habits* that make a huge difference in my home, life, and school. I did want to add that "daily habits," for us, has always meant "more often than not." We do not beat ourselves up trying to achieve perfection. We have found through the years that if we can do those important things four days a week at least (more often than not), we will succeed over the long haul. Of course, hugging and kissing has to be 365 days a year to make me truly successful in life. Smile…






***Parts of this article were written in 2008 under the title “Eight Daily Habits for ’08” and published in Training for Triumph’s homeschooling newsletter (as opposed to the “Twelve Daily Habits of ‘12” in this blog).

Twelve Daily Habits for 2012--Habit #12: Kiss Your Spouse for at Least 15 Seconds and Hug for at Least 30 Seconds

Habit #12: Kiss Your Spouse for at Least 15 Seconds and Hug for at Least 30 Seconds


“It isn’t, of course, the magic of kissing for fifteen seconds or hugging for thirty seconds that makes this a good daily habit. It is the fact that a fifteen second kiss is more than a peck, and a thirty second hug is more than a passing squeeze. The “time minimums” force us to stick around a little bit, stop what we’re doing, and be close to the one we love.”


This is a new "rule" for us (as of the 2008 original article)! Don't blush...you know that you function better in all areas when you have kissed and hugged enough! My brother-in-law, a much cooler, younger person than Ray or I, came home (along with my sister and their kids) this summer to visit following a marriage retreat that they had attended. When anything got stressful for my sister, he would say (as only Uncle Leonard can), "Come here, honey. You know we didn't have our kissing and hugging yet. That's probably what's wrong." What a sweet husband!


Leonard was just stressing something that all of us married parents need to emphasize: romance, including kissing and hugging, can help alleviate stress! Our kids thought our elevator kissing was unbearable already, without enduring it for a full fifteen seconds! But you know what? They secretly like it. :)


It isn’t, of course, the magic of kissing for fifteen seconds or hugging for thirty seconds that makes this a good daily habit. It is the fact that a fifteen second kiss is more than a peck, and a thirty second hug is more than a passing squeeze. The “time minimums” force us to stick around a little bit, stop what we’re doing, and be close to the one we love. Maybe there won't always be time for romance, hearts, flowers, and rainbows, but our marriage is the most important (and longest!) relationship we have on this earth. We need to protect it, nurture it, and shower it with kisses and hugs.


So….there you have it. Twelve daily habits* that make a huge difference in my home, life, and school. I did want to add that "daily habits," for us, has always meant "more often than not." We do not beat ourselves up trying to achieve perfection. We have found through the years that if we can do those important things four days a week at least (more often than not), we will succeed over the long haul. Of course, hugging and kissing has to be 365 days a year to make me truly successful in life. Smile…

"To My Dear and Loving Husband" by Anne Bradstreet (first American poet)

I love the "to my husband" poem written by the first American poet, Anne Bradstreet (1612-1672). It is a poem that she wrote to her husband that I would like to share with readers today on my and Ray's thirtieth wedding anniversary.


To My Dear and Loving Husband

If ever two were one, then surely we.
If ever man were lov'd by wife, then thee;
If ever wife was happy in a man,
Compare with me ye women if you can.
I prize thy love more tham whole Mines of gold,
Or al the riches that the East doth hold.
My love is such that Rivers cannot quench,
Nor ought but love from thee, give recompense.
Thy love is such I can no way repay,
The heavens reward thee maniforld, I pray.
Then while we live, in love lets so prsever,
That when we live no more, we may live ever.

Daily habit 11: Kiss your spouse for at least fifteen seconds and hug for at least thirty seconds

“It isn’t, of course, the magic of kissing for fifteen seconds or hugging for thirty seconds that makes this a good daily habit. It is the fact that a fifteen second kiss is more than a peck, and a thirty second hug is more than a passing squeeze. The “time minimums” force us to stick around a little bit, stop what we’re doing, and be close to the one we love.”

 This is a new "rule" for us (as of the 2008 original article)! Don't blush...you know that you function better in all areas when you have kissed and hugged enough! My brother-in-law, a much cooler, younger person than Ray or I, came home (along with my sister and their kids) this summer to visit following a marriage retreat. When anything got stressful for my sister, he would say (as only Uncle Leonard can), "Come here, honey. You know we didn't have our kissing and hugging yet. That's probably what's wrong." What a sweet husband!


Leonard was just stressing something that all of us married parents need to emphasize: romance can help alleviate stress, including kissing and hugging! Our kids thought our elevator kissing was unbearable already, without enduring it for a full fifteen seconds! But you know what? They secretly like it. :)


It isn’t, of course, the magic of kissing for fifteen seconds or hugging for thirty seconds that makes this a good daily habit. It is the fact that a fifteen second kiss is more than a peck, and a thirty second hug is more than a passing squeeze. The “time minimums” force us to stick around a little bit, stop what we’re doing, and be close to the one we love. Maybe there won't always be time for romance, hearts, flowers, and rainbows, but our marriage is the most important (and longest!) relationship we have on this earth. We need to protect it, nurture it, and shower it with kisses and hugs.


So….there you have it. Eleven daily habits* that make a huge difference in my home and school. I did want to add that "daily habits," for us, has always meant "more often than not." We do not beat ourselves up trying to achieve perfection. We have found through the years that if we can do those important things four days a week at least (more often than not), we will succeed over the long haul. Of course, hugging and kissing has to be 365 days a year to make me truly successful in life. Smile…




Note: To start at the beginning of the “Eleven Daily Habits for ’11,” click on the link that follows: http://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2011/01/eleven-daily-habits-for-11.html



***Parts of this article were written in 2008 under the title “Eight Daily Habits for ’08” and published in Training for Triumph’s homeschooling newsletter (as opposed to the “Eleven Daily Habits of ‘11” in this blog).

day 239: dad’s role in the evenings

“All too often we are giving young people cut flowers when we should be teaching them to grow their own plants.” John W. Gardner




Yesterday I described what I would consider the ideal scenario for setting children up for a successful evening in terms of homework, free time, family time, etc. With after school activities, etc., children often do not come straight home from school on the bus. With working parents, children often do not come home to a mom or dad waiting with a snack, either. I am not so naïve as to believe that the “perfect” scenario always happens.


My sister and brother-in-law are such excellent examples of two working parents being sure that their kids do what they need to do in the evenings—in spite of two parents working full time and after school activities. Can you guess why they are successful in this from the title of today’s blog post?


Tami and Leonard are successful with their two girls’ homework management (and evening schedule) for one very good reason: they do not see evening parenting (and evening housekeeping) as Mom’s responsibility only. While we have chosen to have less money than two income families (by my not working during my kids’ early years) and more time than more activity-driven families (by limiting our kids’ activities to one choice activity per semester), Tami and Leonard make their busy circumstances work for their family. Putting aside whatever you might believe about women working full time or not, we can surely all agree that if a woman does work full time, just like her husband, she is no more responsible for the house getting cleaned or dinner being on the table than he is.


Ray and I have always felt that if a husband and wife chose to have both of them work outside jobs, they also chose to give up a homemaker. There is nobody there cooking and cleaning—and it all must be done when Mr. and Mrs. are home from work—and by both of them. (And even when a woman is a homemaker, the husband and wife are still co-parents. Homemaking duties should never include parenting by oneself (if two parents are in the home).)


Now I know that this wife-working-husband-carrying-household-duties-too concept is often not the case. Statistics prove this at consistent rates. (See “A Housekeeper Is Cheaper Than a Divorce” http://www.amazon.com/Housekeeper-Cheaper-Than-Divorce-Afford/dp/0967963605  and “Who Says It’s a Woman’s Job to Clean?” http://www.amazon.com/Who-Says-Its-Womans-Clean/dp/0898792150/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpt_7  ) We cannot figure out how Christian men could even begin to expect their wives to work full time and do all the housework and parenting. Somehow that does not seem like the “love your wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it” mandate to us.


But I digress into a sermonette here, so I will get back to the topic at hand: evening schedules for Mom and Dad. Tami and Leonard’s evening schedule for homework is a good one for busy two-career homes. Leonard cooks dinner while Tami sits down with the girls and does homework. (It could also work the other way, but Tami is a teacher and Leonard likes to cook, so this arrangement works well for them.) In the thirty to sixty minutes that Tami is working with the girls (elementary school age), Leonard has the meal ready, and they eat. Then, when the girls were younger, one cleaned the kitchen and the other did baths. I mean, they are both going to work a full day tomorrow, so sharing in the evening tasks just makes sense.


Regardless of whether all of your kids are in activities after school or not, there HAS to be a connecting point. Make it right after school, right before dinner, right after dinner, at eight p.m., or whatever. But do make it. And make sure it includes Dad—because Mom and Dad’s attitudes and emphasis on learning (and working) sets the stage for the kids attitudes and enjoyment of learning (and working).

day 233: keeping motivated part iii of v—motivated with your spouse

I am grateful every day for a husband with the same goals, similar motivation, identical work ethic, consistent parenting methods, and deep faith. I know this isn’t always the case—and it obviously isn’t impossible to keep motivated in this parenting endeavor as a single parent. There are people everywhere doing it. And I believe that God gives the grace for each situation when it is needed; thus, I can’t imagine doing what single parents do, but then I’m not in that scenario either.


If you are a married Christian parent with a spouse who also wants to do the hard work of Christian parenting, regardless of the difficulties you face, you are very blessed indeed. There are a couple of specific areas in marriage that have helped us to keep motivated:




1. Be one in your marriage, as well as in your parenting. Ray and I are seldom unmotivated or discouraged at the same time. Thank the Lord! We need each other desperately in order to keep the momentum to finish this parenting race with our last three “little boys”! We will discuss Christian marriage more thoroughly this fall and especially next year in honor of our thirtieth wedding anniversary. In the area of motivation, though, just knowing that someone is there with you, embracing the same goals and methodology, is a huge motivator. Talk about every aspect of parenting all the time. When one is down, the other can motivate and encourage. And vice versa.


2. Do not view the husband as the breadwinner and the wife as the child raiser. We are both parents—and we are in this thing together. One of the major downfalls of so much teaching on husband and wife roles in the conservative church, to us, has been the whole idea that the husband is the “head” and the “breadwinner” and the wife is the “subordinate” and the “child raiser.” Yes, the Bible does teach that a man is to be the head of the home—but why? He is to be the head of the home to serve and love his family as Christ loved the church—not to be the boss. With the emphasis on the head and breadwinning aspects of marriage, the husband is often thought of us above parenting—or too busy making a living to parent. If a wife is a homemaker, her job is homemaking. However, parenting is not part of the job description of the homemaker. Parenting is part of the job description of the parents, plural. I am so grateful that we were taught about the servant-leadership required of the husband to truly “love as Christ loved the church.” Ray has always considered us co-parents, and, yes, even co-homeschoolers. Teaching, training, talking, disciplining…these are both the husband’s and wife’s responsibilities when they have children—and should not be relegated to the wife alone. It is difficult for a mother to stay motivated in her parenting endeavor if she feels that she is doing it alone. Husbands, if you want to help your wife stay motivated in her parenting, co-parent with her.


More motivating tips tomorrow. I wish I could just reach into every reader’s heart and give you each a huge dose of motivation—along with perseverance, long-term visualization, hope, joy, love, patience, wisdom—all the things I have felt so needy for in my parenting. God bless you all.

day 233: keeping motivated part iii of v—motivated with your spouse

I am grateful every day for a husband with the same goals, similar motivation, identical work ethic, consistent parenting methods, and deep faith. I know this isn’t always the case—and it obviously isn’t impossible to keep motivated in this parenting endeavor as a single parent. There are people everywhere doing it. And I believe that God gives the grace for each situation when it is needed; thus, I can’t imagine doing what single parents do, but then I’m not in that scenario either.


If you are a married Christian parent with a spouse who also wants to do the hard work of Christian parenting, regardless of the difficulties you face, you are very blessed indeed. There are a couple of specific areas in marriage that have helped us to keep motivated:




1. Be one in your marriage, as well as in your parenting. Ray and I are seldom unmotivated or discouraged at the same time. Thank the Lord! We need each other desperately in order to keep the momentum to finish this parenting race with our last three “little boys”! We will discuss Christian marriage more thoroughly this fall and especially next year in honor of our thirtieth wedding anniversary. In the area of motivation, though, just knowing that someone is there with you, embracing the same goals and methodology, is a huge motivator. Talk about every aspect of parenting all the time. When one is down, the other can motivate and encourage. And vice versa.


2. Do not view the husband as the breadwinner and the wife as the child raiser. We are both parents—and we are in this thing together. One of the major downfalls of so much teaching on husband and wife roles in the conservative church, to us, has been the whole idea that the husband is the “head” and the “breadwinner” and the wife is the “subordinate” and the “child raiser.” Yes, the Bible does teach that a man is to be the head of the home—but why? He is to be the head of the home to serve and love his family as Christ loved the church—not to be the boss. With the emphasis on the head and breadwinning aspects of marriage, the husband is often thought of us above parenting—or too busy making a living to parent. If a wife is a homemaker, her job is homemaking. However, parenting is not part of the job description of the homemaker. Parenting is part of the job description of the parents, plural. I am so grateful that we were taught about the servant-leadership required of the husband to truly “love as Christ loved the church.” Ray has always considered us co-parents, and, yes, even co-homeschoolers. Teaching, training, talking, disciplining…these are both the husband’s and wife’s responsibilities when they have children—and should not be relegated to the wife alone. It is difficult for a mother to stay motivated in her parenting endeavor if she feels that she is doing it alone. Husbands, if you want to help your wife stay motivated in her parenting, co-parent with her.




More motivating tips tomorrow. I wish I could just reach into every reader’s heart and give you each a huge dose of motivation—along with perseverance, long-term visualization, hope, joy, love, patience—all the things I have felt so needy for in my parenting. God bless you all.

still experimenting!!!

Ray and I Christmas 2009

day 198: thirty days of romance

“I’m in love, I’m in love…and I don’t care who knows it.” Elf



Ray and I had our now-annual "thirty days of romance" during June/July. It was…well, romantic!
A few years ago, we celebrated being together for thirty years–thirty years since our first date, and we’ve been together ever since! Anyway, we celebrated those thirty years by having what we called "thirty days of romance." That is, for those thirty days we focused more on each other than other things. We thought of each other more, made each other feel important, did special things for each other, spent more time alone, and just generally tried to focus more on romance than "stuff"–those things that we always have to do. It was such a success that we decided to make it an annual event.

We have had a few “30 Days of Romance” in the past few years, and we have loved them! In recent years, we have been getting too busy with my writing and editing, Ray’s work, our publishing company, our family speaking ministry, and all seven of our children and their needs. It just seemed like the long talks, special candy bars, frequent rendezvous (!), etc. were slipping away from us.

Some ideas we have used (and/or hope to use in the future)—some are just simple things that we forget to do in our daily busy-ness. (Feel free to share—we should start a Romantic Revolution!!! )

1. Make favorite meals —We had spaghetti at least twice–Ray’s favorite!; Ray will grab the kids and make me homemade French fries or have one of the boys make brownies, etc. sometimes

2. Out for dinner in Fort Wayne–since we started dancing, we seldom go to movies and/or dinner because it takes so much to get away to dance—and we do not feel like we can justify another evening away from the kids—during 30 Days of Romance, we take exception to that, even if it means dinner and movie on Tuesday AND dancing on Saturday!

3. Romantic comedies/movies—we have two ballroom dance movies we like to watch. Ray loves romantic movies; I prefer action/legal thrillers/drama, and I’m the one who usually rents movies, so I try to get more movies he likes during this month.

4. Just talking—for example, one night we went to the dance early and left it late to just not rush so much. We always barely come into a dance (and one of us is often on the phone to one of the older kids when we first arrive) or have to leave early, etc. etc it seems. Just wanted to slow down, dance some, talk some, and just not rush for a little bit! Talking without our older kids needing us is a luxury, so we just tried to focus more on that this month.

5. More phone calls and emails—and more little signs, words, and phrases that nobody but us knows what they mean in our phone calls and emails (though the kids try to figure them out!! )

6. More yielding—just taking our own advice (when we counsel people) to be the one who stops an argument or disagreement, to be the one who doesn’t have to be right, to be the one who brings peace in a situation that could become less than peaceful. We teach yielding in our book, curricula, blog, seminar, and workshops, but it is so hard to do in life everyday—just to remind ourselves that the other person’s feelings and that relationship is worth yielding for.

7. Song finding—this is a new thing we want to do—find songs that we like on the internet and have Jonathan buy them and put them on a cd for us—and decide which dances we would do with each one, etc.

8. Look up dancing together online—on rare occasions, we will sit down and look up a certain dance online and try to figure out how they do certain moves, or watch for styling or theory, etc. Listen to/watch “lessons” online. During "30 Days," we want to do this more.

9. Play games—before our kids got so old and needed us so much in the evenings (including our grown children on the phone, etc.), we used to play Scrabble, Guess Who, Blokus, Backgammon, and Cribbage in our room and watch a fun movie, eat snacks, and just enjoy each other and relax. Now it seems like we are always with one of the kids for something (i.e. Ray is at the table with Josiah and his algebra right now; I’m getting ready to call back one of our daughters to talk, etc. etc.)—or if we play games, it is with the kids (which is fun too, but not alone time). We seldom stop early enough in the evening to have our fun game time anymore. During this month, we will “make dates” to do that.

10. Go out for dessert—when the kids were all younger (but the oldest was twelve), a couple of times a month, we would put them all to bed at eight o’clock and go out for dessert. We try to do this some during our 30 Days.

11. Dance lessons—We have put private lessons on hold for the past three years due to the expenses with getting our publishing company off the ground; a wedding; two kids in college; etc. etc etc. We want to try to take at least two private lessons during this month.

12. Little surprises—When we didn’t have so many needs to meet, we just thought of little things more—you know, picking up my favorite editing pen at Walmart when Ray is getting groceries or grabbing his favorite pop at the gas station—just the little things that let the other person know he is being thought of. One "30 Days" Ray had a dozen roses (of different colors–beautiful!) delivered in increments of three–during my "CQLA Cottage Class" day. Thus, every couple of hours, the florist would come with three more roses–my students thought it was a hoot–but I just loved it!

13. Not work at night so much—Because of homeschooling during the day (and teaching fifty kids in Ossian and Fort Wayne writing each week), I often work at night while Ray oversees kids’ homework, teaches some of their classes, does driver’s training with whomever happens to be learning to drive at that time, works on meal clean up with the kids, etc etc. I often have trouble stopping my work. (I really love to work…especially writing and editing!) When it is payroll time, student billing time, etc. etc. Ray often works after he is done with the kids in the evening too. Anyway, during 30 Days, we designate certain nights for me to stop working at a certain time (i.e. 9:00 instead of 11:00), etc.

14. Planning and dreaming together—We always used to plan and dream together—now it seems like life happens so fast that we hardly have time to plan ahead or dream about what might be. We take more time for that during this month.

15. Get away—Since this “30 Days” fell over our anniversary, we had a get away during it. If we can get away and go to a dance (especially at the beautiful “Roof Ballroom” in Indianapolis) and stay overnight a day or two, it makes our “30 Days” even more romantic.

16. “Twalks”—before we started Training for Triumph and I started writing so much, we used to take a “twalk” many days after work. This was a time in which the two of us just took off on a walk to talk. We are trying to incorporate more of these—without cell phones on us!



I recommend “Thirty Days of Romance” to all married couples—whether you’ve been married ten years or forty. It just puts the focus back on each other in marriage—and that focus is so easy to lose with the demands of parenting, work, ministry, and more.