Q is for QUIT FIGHTING--Start Out Right With Siblings/Littles With Behavior Absolutes

Kara (4.5) and Jonathan (almost 3) doing their sibling Bible verse for a special at church: "How happy it is when brothers dwell together in unity!" 

The next tip after trying to set your toddler's taste for kindness is the following: Decide ahead of time what your "behavior absolutes" are going to be. 


1. These are the behaviors or negative character that you absolutely will not allow in your home. What you allow now will become the “acceptable behaviors” to your child. These seemingly innocent actions include “fibbing,” hitting, being mean to others, running the other way when called, etc.


2.  For us, these “behavior absolutes” included the following:

a. Talking back (no toddler saying “no” without being punished)
b. Lying or deceit
c. Temper tantrums
d. Striking (hitting, pulling hair, throwing things at someone, etc.). 
e. Being mean

Obviously, we wanted our kids to learn to obey and submit to us and to learn the many character qualities that are crucial to living a Christian life, but these five things were things we never wavered on—and things that we made huge deals out of when they were not adhered to by the toddler/preschooler.

Kara (now 23) and Jonathan (now 21) have been best friends since they were very young.--honest! ;)

One question we frequently get when discussing the idea of behavior absolutes is "How do we make a certain behavior an absolute?"

Before I delve into a couple specific tips for this, I do want to say that keeping sibling fighting to a minimum, helping brothers and sisters love each other, and instituting and enforcing a no striking policy is more a way of life than it is a list of do's and don't's. 

Obviously, we believe that there are some key things that accounted for our children's very limited fighting and not harming each other, but more than that list of things we did is the idea of being "that family." Not weird or trying to outdo others with our "uniqueness"--but rather our children knew that though others might fight all the time, we were"that family"--the family that doesn't allow that. Though other children may raise their hands to harm their sibling, we are "that family"--and we do not permit hurting each other.

A way of life--one that begins with "setting tastes" for kindness and good character and one that has certain expectations always in place. Not expectations that "do this or you're toast" but expectations that Mom and Dad taught us this way, and this is how we live. 

But on to that list--a few things that we think can help a family develop certain behavior absolutes (including loving and being kind to siblings):


1. Behavior absolutes begin with a mindset. 

This mindset is one with faith in what you are doing. Faith that making behavior absolutes that our children will learn to follow is what is truly best. Faith that these things that we are saying are not allowed in our home are things that God would have us do. Faith that God will bless our family's consistency, efforts, and desire to please Him. Faith that consistency and godliness in our home really will work.

It is also a mindset that says, "What I am trying to do here is so important that I am going to put the time and energy into it that it takes to accomplish it. I am not going to let things slide that I know will cause us not to meet our goals for our children's behaviors. I am not going to look the other way when I know something is not right. I am not going to downplay something that we have deemed as important from the beginning."

That is a tall order. But it is one that can truly be carried out. When we go into this parenting endeavor with an idea of what we truly want our homes to look like--and the determination to follow through on it--it is very possible.




2. Your reaction to behavior absolutes being broken is crucial. 

My husband has an annoying saying (it used to be; now that our kids are mostly grown, I agree with him!): "We are getting the behavior that we want. if we wanted something different, we would do something different."

While that isn't one hundred percent accurate, the concept is true. If we want our children to be kind to each other and not strike each other, then those behaviors have to be treated as terrible behaviors. We can't just say, "Be nice" and hope that their behavior changes. 

We liken behavior absolutes to sitting in a car seat. We can say over and over, "I just can't get him to quit hitting his sister." 

However, we somehow (eventually) get our child to quit screaming in the car seat and sit in there until he is five or six! How is that? It is because sitting in the car seat is a behavior absolute.  We would ever consider letting a child have his own way and sit up front between Mom and Dad. It is the law. It is the way it is--and it can't be changed.

So it is with behavior absolutes. We have to feel so strongly about those behaviors that we will not budge on them. When one of our kids is mean to another one, we will not just say "Be nice" and send him to his room. We will instead respond as though he just did something very, very bad. Because if meanness is one of our behavior absolutes, it is a very, very bad thing.

I have to inject a note here about spanking--because many "modern moms" are either against it or believe that it doesn't work. Or buy into the philosophy that spanking a child will make him mean or will make him strike others. 

I know that a family of seven children is not a full-blown case study. However, I don't see how the whole "spanking causes children to be violent" could possibly be true when all of our seven children were spanked (not carelessly; not in anger; not for frivolities or childishness) for the Four D's --and yet they are seven of the most peaceable adults you will ever meet. As children, they didn't often fight with each other--and seldom (if ever) struck another child (or bit, pulled hair, pushed, hit, etc.) after age two or so. (I'm sure they probably did as toddlers--but we treated it very seriously and nipped it in the bud.)

So yes, we spanked our children if they were mean or if they hurt others (as well as for other defiant behaviors). But we didn't have to do it often. Peace with each other and not harming others was a way of life, so it didn't take a lot of discipline for it. 

Thus, the way we respond to our behavior absolutes will have a huge bearing on how "absolute" these behaviors become. Don't take them lightly. Don't put kids in their rooms with video games or televisions because they were unkind. Don't tell children who hit that they shouldn't do that--and they should be nice. Respond with the level of unacceptability that you would for something really bad--if you think it is really bad.




3. Don't make too big of deal out of things that aren't important.

If we truly want to develop behavior absolutes in our homes, then things that are not that big of deals can't be made into big deals.

We see this all the time. A parent responds to a child leaving his socks on the living room floor in the same way that she responds to his backtalking or being unkind to his sister. While we recommend that the things you feel are behavior absolutes be given a high priority and level of response, we also believe that in general parents need to "lighten up" when it comes to childish behaviors (being too loud, making a mess, forgetting to pick up his socks, etc.) and focus on behaviors that are truly important (and from the heart)--such as direct disobedience, meanness, disrespect to parents and other authorities, etc. 

When everything our kids do is the same level of "wrongness," they will not learn the difference between sins and mistakes. When everything our kids do is punished in the same way, they will feel that they can never please us--that no matter what they do, we will find fault in them.

I won't spend a great deal of time on this as we have several posts about this under the character training label and we teach about it extensively in our parenting seminar, but just examine your parenting and see if you are placing too much emphasis on the wrongness of a behavior that is just a kid being a kid and not enough on something that is coming from a child's heart.

I will move on to older kids--including punishments that are appropriate for fighting, helping kids learn how their behaviors affect others, and teaching our kids to love and respect each other--very soon. Thanks for joining us!

And here is the sweet sibling pair when they were teens--Jonathan (17) and Kara (19). The cute thing about this pic is that it was taken when they were traveling on a summer drama team together--and they both kept it as their profile pictures on Facebook for several months. Sweet!

Your Kids Will Do To and For Others What You Have Done To and For Them....

"Throughout their lives, your kids will do to and for others what you have done to and for them.”

 

 

In our “Character for Tweens and Teens” seminar, we stress the quote above—because we have seen it over and over in our children’s lives during our thirty years of parenting. And it is truly something to consider in the time, effort, money, and teaching that we invest in our children. When I look back at how true this statement has been in our lives, I just want to tell every parent that there are genuine dividends paid for all of that investing!

I could share examples of this with you from every age and stage of our seven kids:

*How Joshua, our first born, when he was six or seven,  would sit in the back of the van and tell his sisters what to expect when we got to our destination, how they should behave and how they should treat others—because his mommy and daddy had done that for him since he was a toddler.

*How Kayla, our second daughter, took it upon herself at age fourteen to do all of the family cooking for a long period of time during my grief after our stillborn daughter’s birth and my harrowing ruptured uterus—because her parents had served her, fed her, and taught her everything she needed to know in the kitchen.

*How Cami, our third child, started a ministry for the disabled when she was a senior in high school (that still runs today seven years later and ministers to over a hundred disabled adults every week)—because we taught her to look into people’s hearts to see their deepest needs, and we looked into her heart.

*How the girls planned a special meal for their brothers and even called and invited their grandparents to their “Silly Supper” while Mom and Dad were out of town---because Mom and Dad had always tried to make things special for them.

*How Kara, our fourth child, listened intently night after night to the needs of the teens on the traveling drama team that she led—because her parents had listened to her needs for twenty years.

And on and on and on and on. Our children are far from perfect—as are their parents. But there is one thing that we can be sure they will always do: serve, love, reach out, touch, help, and communicate with others in many of the same ways that they have been served, loved, reached out to, touched, helped, and communicated with by us, their parents.

 

We have an example of this hot off the press that is so incredibly cute I just had to share it with you. Our almost-eighteen  year-old Josiah (sixth child of seven living)  asked a few weeks ago if he could surprise his younger brother Jacob (our youngest) by taking him to visit their oldest sister near Chicago where she is in grad school at Wheaton College (a four hour drive from us). We discussed it and decided to let him do it, so he set about planning the trip.

He must have talked to me about the “unveiling” of the trip to Jakie no fewer than a dozen times over the three weeks prior to the trip: “Should I drive home with him from my drum teaching and ask him to tell me where the gps says to turn?” “Should I take him to Cami and Joseph’s (our daughter and son-in-law) and make him think we are spending the night there but then take off from there?” “Should I pack all of his stuff while he is at piano then act like we are going to run errands?” On and on. He had a new idea everyday it seemed.

He set aside two hours the night before to go over directions with his dad, talk to us about details, call Kayla to talk details (whom they were going to see), and pack/load the car while Jacob was at the YMCA exercising with Kara (our fourth child). He gassed up his vehicle. He packed snacks. He gathered story tapes. He went to the bank and got cash. He packed Jakie’s things and hid them in the trunk.

At one point in Josiah’s preparations, he said, “Don’t you think this is the best surprise that any of the siblings have ever done for another one?” To which we just smiled and nodded. (Our kids have had a sort of unofficial “best sibling EV-ER” contest going on for many years.)

And then they left. His idea to take Jacob to Cami and Joseph’s and go from there, telling him only when Jacob noticed that they were not taking the route that led home, won out. And Jacob called us to see if it was really true—“are we really driving to Kayla’s for the weekend?” We could hear Josiah laughing in the background—one happy big brother.

Josiah’s idea wasn’t quite as original as he thought—but we didn’t tell him that, of course. For Josiah had just done nearly everything that we had done for him eight years ago when we took him and his siblings on a surprise weekend trip—right down to hiding packed things in the trunk, packing good snacks, sneaking out story tapes and games,  and taking a strange route to confuse them. Because by that time, we knew that  “throughout their lives, our kids will do to and for others whatever has been done to and for them.” Smile…

day 255: we are getting the behavior that we want

I have the most amazing husband ever! I adore him! He is one of the most involved, truly-training fathers I know. He spends all of his non-work (at his plant and on Training for Triumph) hours on the kids and on me—and he has for our entire twenty-seven years of parenting. However, he does one thing that drives me nuts: he tells me the truth about the kids’ behavior!


His mantra has always been (and this is the really nutsy part!): “We are getting the behavior that we want ‘coz if we didn’t want it, we would stop it.” Aghh….. I come to him complaining about a child’s behavior, expecting sympathy and commiserating, and he reminds me, once again, that this behavior must be the behavior that we desire. If it isn’t what we want, we would surely not let it continue; we would surely do something to put a stop to it.

This truth, and I do have to admit that it is a truth, of parenting, is a little twist on the “if you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.” And just like that saying, it is too accurate.


Now, Ray is an incredible husband and father, so, thankfully, he doesn’t just spout off his catch phrase and leave me hanging. This twenty-seven year old saying has almost always led to resolution. You see, if it is true—and we admit to each other that we are not really doing anything to stop the behavior in question—then it follows that if we want to stop it, we need to come up with a plan of action to change the behavior.


This blog is a positive blog! And I want to stay positive. However, the teacher in me feels compelled to “teach” what we have found to help us “get the behavior we want.” If you have small children—toddlers and preschoolers, especially—you may want to join us over the next few days.


Our children were never (and still are not) perfect. However, we were blessed with outstanding teaching early in our parenting to help us train our toddlers and preschoolers to have good behavior—to not scream or throw fits, to obey when a command is given, to come when they are called, to be content and not surly, to be kind to others (even siblings!), to follow routines they are taught (going to bed, sitting at the table, being quiet in church etc), and much more.


Your little ones can be joys to you. You can get up in the morning knowing that you can have a good day and enjoy your kids—because they want to obey you. I promise that this can happen! Not perfection—just daily contentment and obedience more often than not. After all, we get whatever behavior we want.

day 185: birthday affirmations part ii of ii

"Little boys should never be put to bed because they always wake up a day older." from Peter PanHere are some things we have enjoyed doing for birthday affirmations through the years:






1. Make a big deal of the birthday the day before it. We did little things like the following:


a. When he wakes up in the morning, say, “This is the last morning you’ll get up as an eleven year old!”


b. When you do things with him, say fun things like, “Come and read a story with Mom….it’s our last story with you as an eleven year old” or “Come shoot hoops eleven year old—this is the last day I can say that!”


c. Before he goes to bed, make a big deal of it being his last night as an eleven year old, how he’ll wake up old the next day, etc.


d. Tell him what you loved about him as an eleven year old—“I loved it that you such a compassionate eleven year old…”






2. On the morning of his birthday, say fun things like, “Time to wake up twelve year old” or “This is the first morning I am getting you up as a twelve year old,” and “Do you feel a year older this morning?”


3. Encourage him on the day of his birthday with character qualities that you have seen in him—“Sure hope you are as kind of a twelve year old as you were eleven year old!” and “I know your compassion will even increase when you are twelve—if that’s possible!”


4. Charge him on the day of his birthday with character qualities that you would like for him to work on in the coming year (without making him feeling put down, of course)—“Now that you’re twelve, I know you can become even more diligent with your work” or “You have been getting better and better at responsibility this past year—now that you’re twelve, you are going to become Mr. Responsible!”


5. On the night of his birthday, tell him that you are looking forward to spending “age twelve” with him—that your family is so blessed to have him in it and that you don’t want the next birthday to come too soon!


6. Involve others in the blessing/affirmation. We often have times of affirmation on birthdays in which people take turns saying affirmations to or about the birthday person. It isn’t uncommon to have siblings, siblings-in-law, Mom, Dad, etc., say any of the following:






a. “I like how you always let others go first in pot lucks.”


b. “I appreciate how you help at One Heart.”


c. “I love to watch you read. You have become such a great reader.”


d. “I love how you help the clients at One Heart so tenderly. They feel your love—you are such a great volunteer.”


e. “I like how you use your free time to help others.”


f. “I can’t believe how much you have improved in basketball the past year. Your outside shot is amazing.”


g. “You are such a diligent worker. Our family couldn’t make it without your daily work and contribution.”


h. “I love how you do your devotional every day. You are building good self disciplines that will help you your whole life.”






Use birthdays, special occasions, successes, achievements, down days, up days—any days to affirm your children. Build them up in their character and their faith. They might not say so, but they will come to love it.


Tomorrow—back to more help with academics this summer. The summer is officially half way over for most of us. There is still time to help your kids get ready for school in the fall.

day 185: birthday affirmations part i of ii

Jakie turned twelve—and, much to his joy--it was the birthday that never ended! I tried to drag it out, take him to breakfast the day before, take him shopping to let him choose his toy, go to grandparents’ close to the actual day, have his grown siblings over, talk about it a lot, have Dad fix birthday breakfast, etc. as Jacob had been having a lonely time with his three next older siblings all gone that particular week.


When we asked him what he wanted to do for this birthday, he said two things: (1) play basketball with a group of people in a gym (still working on that one); and (2) have all of his siblings (who were not gone this summer) over and do things together. We are doing the latter this afternoon. His two married siblings and their spouses, our missionary daughter who is home itinerating, and Josiah (our fifteen year old) will all be there.


When Jacob said he wanted everybody here for his birthday, he wasn’t talking about presents (we don’t do sibling gift exchanges for birthdays) or even outings/activities. He was referring to the birthday affirmations he would receive.


As our kids have grown up, we have used birthdays, successes in different things, etc. to teach our kids to affirm each other. Besides our normal, “Three cheers for _______. Hip hip hooray. Hip hip hooray. Hip hip hooray,” we often have times in which we just affirm the person—tell the good qualities that we appreciate in that person. Yes, the “affirmed one” is often embarrassed and a little shy—but these affirmations have come to mean so much to the one receiving them (thus, Jacob’s desire to have “everyone here like we used to”).


I think this type of thing is one of the reasons Kevin Leman recommends in one of his books that birthdays be spent at home together—not in large group parties or out on the town. While you can certainly have a peer party or family outing for a birthday, we recommend that you take the time at home around the birthday child’s special day to affirm and encourage the celebrant.


Tomorrow I will give a list (of course!) of birthday affirmation ideas. In the meantime, birthday or not, go tell one of your kids one thing you love about him or her….you will be glad you did.

day 151: exasperating our preschoolers

“Daddy called and said that he is not going to be home for another half an hour, so my brother helped me set up army men. We worked and worked, making the forts and setting up all the cannons and everything. We got done setting up just in time to eat dinner. Mommy said we could leave it out for later.”
                           “Jonathan’s Journal”




One thing I loved about the routines that I had with my little ones is that they were never bored. They never complained that they had nothing to do. Or said they were bored, etc. Ever…I really cannot remember any of my kids ever being bored, ever—no matter what the age. For example, in today and yesterday’s excerpts, Jonathan had run out of time and didn’t even get to his army men yet. (Of course, above, since Dad was coming home late, he got to them.) His day was coming to an end, but he hadn’t done everything his little heart wanted to that day!


One problem we did always have was setting things up to play with and leaving them out. This was not conducive to a large family with little kids. When we had a bigger house, we could let them set things up in a room and shut the door. In our small house, we do not have that option. If you have that option, I recommend letting your kids do that.

We always encouraged our older kids to play a big role in the lives of the littles. Some day I will post Jonathan’s salvation testimony he wrote in seventh grade—and how his big brother read Scriptures to him at night and ultimately led him to the Lord. It is priceless. In the passage today, Joshua was helping Jonathan set up his army men. Playing with Jonathan, despite the ten year age difference, was one way that Joshua built an enduring relationship with Jonathan that is still strong today at their ages (twenty-seven and seventeen—at ten o’clock on a Friday night here, Jonathan is in town playing basketball with Joshua and some other guys—still playing, just different games now!).


Lastly, I want to point out the importance of not exasperating our children. The Bible says that fathers, specifically, should not provoke their children to wrath. One way that we provoke or exasperate our children is by rushing them all the time. In the excerpt above, Jonathan was happy because he was permitted to leave his army men set up for Dad to see and to play with later. To have him take it all down immediately, when he and Joshua had just set it up, would have definitely exasperated him.

day ninety-eight: the how to’s of playpen time for toddlers

“Soon it was time for Jakie to play in his play pen, so Josiah and I got to play together. Next thing I knew, we were in trouble! Mommy came into the room and said that it looked like a tornado went through. We did it again! We got too many things out at one time. We had stuff all over the living room: Legos, cars and trucks, Duplo people, books, and stuffed animals. It took us FOREVER to clean it up---even with Kara’s help. Josiah and I had to each do an extra fifteen minute chore with Mommy because we forgot the rule about getting out too many things at one time. “*





Yesterday I described the benefits of room time and/or play pen time for toddlers and preschoolers (for children AND mom!). Today I will explain how we went about having a daily play pen time for toddlers. (And tomorrow, we will give tips on having the daily room time for preschoolers.)

When our babies started playing more and doing more “toddler” types of activities, we provided many enrichment toys and opportunities for them. I mentioned in earlier posts** about you, the parent, deciding when the baby goes to bed and gets up, when he takes naps, etc. I also described how we helped our little ones love learning and books early on. One way that we did this was to sneak into his room in the morning before he awoke and put a toddler-safe basket of “baby books” in his bed for him to look at when he first awoke (until we were ready to get him up). Another thing we did was teach our toddlers to play quietly and contentedly in their play pen or crib—thus, “play pen time” (or “crib time” if you prefer not to use a play pen).


Tips for Play Pen Time:

1. Create a “busy basket” of items that the toddler only uses during his play pen time. (I will be reviewing some products for this busy basket this weekend, so stay tuned!) You might want to alternate the items in this tub or just get out one or two per day, however your space and budget limits dictate. (I was an avid garage saler—and I also spent more money on books, toys, and educational pursuits for my children than I did clothing, home décor, and personal items (like jewelry, make up, etc.) combined! I can buy those things later; my kids were only little for a short time.)

2. When you need the second-most-uninterrupted time of the day (I used naptimes for the most interrupted-free times), place the toddler in the play pen or crib with the busy basket or one or two activities from the busy basket. (We personally used play pen time for toddlers and room time for preschoolers during our morning read aloud time since that was the time that nobody was available to run and get the little one out of whatever he or she might get into—and the time that we wanted to be the most free of distractions.)

3. Set the timer for ten minutes (or fewer if he or she is not used to playing alone). I recommend that if this is all new, you help your toddler start playing with the activity, getting him or her interested in it, etc. Then tell him to play for a few minutes until you get back.

4. At the end of the time, go in and help your toddler learn to put the activity back in the basket/tub, working with him as needed and take him out of the bed/playpen. Praise him if he played well, etc.

5. Note: If he cries, you might want to go in and check on him and tell him to play with the blocks for a few minutes, then go back out.

6. Increase the time by a few minutes each day until your toddler can play well all by himself for thirty to sixty minutes.

7. Note about using the bed for play time: We never had a problem using the crib for the toddler’s playpen time since it was a completely different atmosphere than bedtime. He knew when we got the busy basket out that it was play time—and when he laid him down with blankets; no toys; and his lullaby tape, praise music, or story audio, it was sleep time. It probably depends on when you begin it.


The older kids and I have fond memories of Josiah and Jonathan’s room time and play pen times especially—mostly because they were so incredibly cooperative! We used to have Jonathan have his room time in the same room we were reading in—but on a blanket in the corner. He had to keep all of his activities on that blanket and play quietly, then he could remain in and listen to our morning reading. At the same time, Josiah was a toddler and had his room time in a porta-crib (pack and play?) in the room we read in. It was actually quite comical, but if he screamed or fussed, we would pull his porta crib into the other room and shut the door. When he got quiet again, someone would pull him back in with us. And this continued—he eventually quieted down and played nicely because he didn’t want to be in the other room all alone.

I’m smiling as I type this as I have this picture of one of the girls zooming Josiah’s play pen through the doorway, telling him that “when you’re ready to be quiet, you can come back in with us.” Wowsie…those were sweet, wonderful days.


*For the complete story of “Jonathan’s Journal, follow this link: http://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/03/day-seventy-eight-introducing-jonathans.html

**Links to only baby and toddler posts: http://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/search/label/babies%20and%20toddlers

day ninety-six: involving preschoolers with older kids and younger kids

“During breakfast clean-up, we listened to a story tape, which I LOVE. After breakfast, Mommy, Josiah, Kara, and I read some animal stories since that is what Kara is studying in our homeschool. I love animal stories and begged Mommy to read another one, but she didn’t have time because my big brother needed her help on his math. She said maybe we would read an extra one tomorrow—I’ll be sure to remind her.


I had to help with Baby Jacob. He can be so grouchy sometimes! Luckily, Mommy let me give him Cheerios to quiet him down, so I got some too.”*

Today’s excerpts from “Jonathan’s Journal” show Jonathan enjoying interaction with older siblings and younger siblings. Preschoolers love to be a part of what is going on! As homeschoolers, we found that each of our preschoolers, from number five through number seven, wanted to “do cool” like their older brothers and sisters. They wanted to do what everybody else was doing. Thus, we have found that including them in what is going on in the family is a healthy thing for them (that sense of belonging) but also helpful for Mom when the preschooler is taught to interact appropriately with babies and toddlers.

Whether you are a homeschooler or not, there are many things that you do all the time with older kids—take them to the library for a school project, help with homework, do an art or craft for expo at school, etc. Consider including your preschoolers whenever possible. While, as homeschoolers, there are many times in which the preschooler simply has to entertain himself (and sometimes little brother!), there are many other times in which we can include the preschooler in what we do. These obviously include reading aloud, art, music, crafts, etc. As indicated in the lengthy read-aloud posts, preschoolers love to listen to us read to older ones (while they learn to “make the pictures in their heads”).**

Preschoolers can be outstanding “babysitters” for toddlers, as Jonathan was in today’s passage. We helped strengthen the bonds between our older children and younger ones by providing opportunities in which the older was “responsible” for the little for a short time. Depending on the age of the older and the little, this could be a time in which the older read to the little or played a game or built Legoes, etc. or it could have just been a time in which the older got out the little’s “busy basket” and played with him or her (or fed Cheerios to the toddler!).

While I can’t say that this daily time together was THE main component of strengthening the relationships between the olders and youngers in our home, I will say that something did it—and this had to at least contribute to it. Even to this day, our nineteen, twenty-two, twenty-four, and twenty-seven year olds think that their “little brothers” (ages eleven, fifteen, and seventeen) are the most incredible teens and preteens. It seems like there isn’t an instance that goes by in which I am talking to one of the older kids and he or she doesn’t mention something about how awesome one of the “little guys” is. I feel certain that the daily interaction and part in their care that the older ones had (and the fact that the little had to obey their older siblings, which caused the olders to love caring for and being around them) has been a contributing factor in their love and respect for their younger siblings.

Include your preschoolers with the older kids—and the younger kids! Challenge them in things that are in their control. And enjoy them.

We have a full week lined up for you—room time/play pen time for preschoolers and toddlers. Applying the “expectations and reality discipline” to your day.” And…ending with chores, chores, chores, including a lengthy list of ages and appropriate chores. Thanks for joining us!


*For the complete story of “Jonathan’s Journal, follow this link: http://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/03/day-seventy-eight-introducing-jonathans.html

**Read aloud posts start here: http://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/02/day-fifty-eight-create-read-aloud-times.html

day seventy-eight: introducing “jonathan’s journal”

Over the next two weeks, I will be giving insights into parenting preschoolers (and some toddler info too). Hope you will join us. Today I am posting my unpublished children’s book, Jonathan’s Journal, in its entirety. I will use portions of this each day in my blog about preschoolers and toddlers. Thanks for joining us!

I got up early this morning—Mom said she barely had her eyes open—and I got sent back to bed with books FOR HOURS!


Mom said she set the timer for half an hour, but I think she made a mistake. Finally, I got to get up, and I made my bed.


When Mama came in to check on me, she picked me up, and we swirled and swirled ‘coz she was so happy that I remembered to make my bed without being told.


I woke my little brother up GENTLY, and we wrestled a little before Mom came and took us into her bed to snuggle. Mommy and Daddy’s bed is so warm it must have some kind of special heater in it. Mommy says it’s warm because they’re so in love. Does love really make things warm?


Mommy read us our “Little Eyes Bible,” and I knew all of the answers when she asked the questions at the end. I let Josiah answer the really easy ones, so he would be happy. Mother read us our blessings, then held us close and sang Josiah’s favorite song that Mommy made up: “Precious Baby.” Josiah said that song is Jakie’s now, but Mama said it is still ours, too.


Next we had to get dressed and groomed. I had to brush my teeth three times before I got them good. I threw a TEENY fit because I wanted to wear my new blue shirt that’s for going places, and today is a stay at home day, so Mommy wanted me to wear play clothes. My little fit didn’t do any good—I wore the play clothes.


My big sister made yolky eggs for breakfast. I had to butter the toast—which is the worst job ‘coz it takes FOREVER. It’s worth it when I push a corner of the toast into the yolk, and the yellow puddle oozes out. I love yolky eggs.


Mommy read out loud from a chapter book while we ate. I’m starting to kind of like chapter books, even though they don’t have any pictures; I can make the pictures in my head now.


During breakfast clean-up, we listened to a story tape, which I LOVE. After breakfast, Mommy, Josiah, Kara, and I read some animal stories since that is what Kara is studying in our homeschool. I love animal stories and begged Mommy to read another one, but she didn’t have time because my big brother needed her help on his math. She said maybe we would read an extra one tomorrow—I’ll be sure to remind her.


I had to help with Baby Jacob. He can be so grouchy sometimes! Luckily, Mommy let me give him Cheerios to quiet him down, so I got some too.


Soon it was time for Jakie to play in his play pen, so Josiah and I got to play together. Next thing I knew, we were in trouble! Mommy came into the room and said that it looked like a tornado went through. We did it again! We got too many things out at one time. We had stuff all over the living room: Legos, cars and trucks, Duplo people, books, and stuffed animals. It took us FOREVER to clean it up---even with Kara’s help. Josiah and I had to each do an extra fifteen minute chore with Mommy because we forgot the rule about getting out too many things at one time, even though Mom said that she has reminded us every day for the last month.


Before I knew it, it was time to set the table for lunch. Josiah and I raced to see who could get done with our jobs first. I slowed down at the end so Josiah could catch up---then I let him win! Mommy took me into her room alone and gave me a million hugs. She said she was so happy that I was learning to see how others feel—and that I make Josiah feel important. I think she’ll probably tell Daddy, and he’ll say, “Jonathan, Mommy told me a good report about you!” I love it when he says that—he always has a big smile on his face and tears in his eyes when he does.


During lunch Mother read the older kids’ history book out loud. I kind of like it too. It’s about the Pilgrims who rode on the Mayflower. I like the Indians. She read more of it while we cleaned up lunch.


Right after lunch Josiah, Kara, and I picked out our stories for story time. We snuggled on the couch with Mommy and read them. I was so happy ‘coz it was my day, and I got to pick two stories today. I picked Curious George and a book about astronauts. Story time is my favorite time of the day.


After story time, Josiah had to take his nap, and I set the timer for half an hour and played on the computer. My big brother let me play his World War II game. It’s really fun.


Josiah slept FOREVER today, so I got bored. It stopped raining after lunch, so Mommy said I should go outside and jump on the trampoline—I think I was getting on her nerves. My three big sisters got done with their school work and came out and jumped. We played “California Earthquake” until Mommy finished her writing on the computer.


When Josiah finally woke up, Mommy, Josiah, and I played puzzles on the floor. We did our huge ABC floor puzzle. It’s really neat. We left it out for Daddy to see.


The next thing I knew it was time for evening chores. I didn’t even get to play army men yet! Josiah and I had to unload the dishwasher and set the table. Kayla and Cami are making bbq chicken tonight. Yum!


Daddy called and said that he is not going to be home for another half an hour, so my brother helped me set up army men. We worked and worked, making the forts and setting up all the cannons and everything. We got done setting up just in time to eat dinner. Mommy said we could leave it out for later.


During dinner Joshua and Kayla told some jokes from their joke books, and Mommy and Daddy talked about all of the yard work we have to do on Saturday. I don’t know why adults like to work so much! After dinner, Daddy read to us from the Bible and we sang. I chose “Father Abraham,” which is my favorite song ‘coz I like the motions. We cleaned the kitchen quickly so Daddy, Joshua, Josiah, and I could play army men.


After we played army men, it was almost time for bed. Mommy gave us a five minute warning—which meant we only had five more minutes of fun before we had to clean up our toys. I wanted to leave it set up for tomorrow, but Mommy said tomorrow is “grocery and doctor day,” so we will be gone in the morning. She even said I could wear my new blue shirt! I can’t wait.


We got ready for bed and Daddy, Kara, Josiah, and I did our “Picture Bible.” Daddy always stops at the most exciting parts!


After he hugged and kissed Kara and Josiah good-night, Dad asked me to sit on his lap for a minute. He held me close, smiled real big, got watery eyes, and then said, “Jonathan, Mommy told me a good report about you!”

day seventy-five: “we always….”

”What we remember from childhood we remember forever - permanent ghosts, stamped, inked, imprinted, eternally seen.” ~Cynthia Ozick


We had one of those nights tonight….the kind where you enjoy your children more than you ever thought possible. The kind where you think that every sacrifice you ever made was worth it. And every mistake you ever made was forgotten. The kind that makes you glad that you had those family “ we always……” times.


Kayla was home from college itinerating for her upcoming missionary position. Kara was teaching a drama seminar to a homeschool group two hours from us. And Cami and her husband (who live near us) were available. So Kayla, Cami, Joseph, Ray, and I went to visit Kara. We picked her up and went out for dinner then dessert and had an absolutely incredible night…a night filled with remembering our “we always….” times.


It started when we picked Kara up. “We always” run up to each other, hug, and act like we haven’t seen each other for years (which it sometimes feels like!). Then we went to the restaurant and promptly laid all of the table signs on their sides…because “we always” do that.


Next, just like “we always” do, the one in the middle prayed. And just like “we always” do….we talked, and talked, and talked, and talked.


When we left the restaurant, everybody grabbed somebody—arm in arm, hand around the waist…because “we always” cuddle and show fond affection towards each other—and Dad swirled and twirled Kara because “he always” twirls his girls.


As we drove to the ice cream shop, one of the girls called out “calendar meeting” at the next stop because when we’re together, “we always” have calendar meetings. (Joseph, our son-in-law, said that if we were having a calendar meeting, he was staying in the van….our calendar meetings drive him crazy!)


When we went for dessert, two of the girls ran ahead and yelled “corner family booth” because “we always” try to squeeze in a corner booth so we can be closer and talk even more. As we talked in our “corner family booth,” we reminisced about old times because “we always” do that—and talked about how much fun we had on our last vacation, how important each person’s ministry/work is and how proud we are of each one, how cute and sweet “the little boys” are, and on and on.


Then, unfortunately, we had to part. We took a long time letting Kara go because “we always” do that. When we were all going our separate ways, I sent a love note via text—“I love you all ‘a million times infinity and beyond;” because “I always” write my kids love notes.


Our “we always’s” have become so important to our family. They define us. They make us the Ray Reish family. They bind us and build us up. They make us secure in our place in this world.


Some of our “we always’s” are big—“we always” exchange siblings gifts on Christmas Eve; “we always” do a big, expensive family night in December (with a play and dinner out). Many of our “we always’s” are small—moving the table signs off the table so we can see everybody and reminiscing about vacation. Regardless of whether they are big or small, our “we always” times build family unity, draw us closer to each other, and make us what we are—a Christian family trying to serve God in our own ways and “love our neighbor as ourselves.” Create "we always" times in your family--your kids will be so glad you did!


Note: Couldn’t pass up this opportunity to share our “we always’s.” I will introduce “Jonathan’s Journal” tomorrow—and start on our toddler/preschool journey.

day fifty-two: play family card games—reviews of dutch blitz, pit, and uno

“A vonderful goot game!” from the Dutch Blitz web site




One of our daughters is home on winter break from college, which means that our three boys are up all hours of the night playing games, baking cookies, watching movies, having lively discussions, book sharing, and working on Kayla’s Ancient Greek Geography homework with their big sister! Specifically, it means some lively rounds of Dutch Blitz, “Full Contact” UNO (don’t ask!), Chess Four, Blokus, and Sequence. Thus, in honor of Kayla’s time at home this week, I would like to introduce you to three family-friendly card games: Dutch Blitz, Pit, and Uno.




Dutch Blitz


The Dutch Blitz website describes this game as “It’s kind of like solitaire. But with multiple players. And a lot more speed. And color. And fun.”


That sums it up. It is one of my personal favorite card games for two to four players, ages eight and up or so. (However, you can get a second deck and mark the four “suits” with a check on each and instead of being “buckets,” the player who is that suit would be “buckets with a check.” Large families are extremely creative and resourceful, you know!)


Dutch Blitz was created by Werner Ernst George Muller, a German immigrant and optometrist who thought the game might help his small children learn about colors and numbers more easily. (That really isn’t true since it is so fast moving, small children can hardly play it much less learn from the flying cards!) At any rate, Muller’s game caught the attention of gamers in Eastern and Central Pennsylvania and has since spread throughout the world and is available via two hundred different vendors.


This card game can be purchased for around ten bucks, is portable, and can be learned in a few minutes. Players each take a “suit,” and make stacks in front of them from which they play on the board simultaneously, trying to be the first one to put their Red 1, Red 2, Red 3, etc. in the red stack; Blue 1, Blue 2, Blue 3, etc. in the blue stack; and so on.


It is a game of high speed (my kids’ grandpa does not like it at all!), laughter, and fun. We love it so much that I just got each of my “grown” children a deck for Christmas to be sure that they have it to play with friends and not just when they are home visiting. I don’t think your family would be disappointed with Dutch Blitz!


Btw, for you current Dutch Blitz players, the website touts a “card replacement” policy for lost cards—and it looks to be free. Imagine that!




Dutch Blitz link: http://www.dutchblitz.com/




Pit


Pit is another favorite card game of my crew for ages eight and up, from three to eight players. It is a loud, rowdy game that boys, especially, love! Do not play this if you have a headache or do not like a lot of noise!

The website describes this game as “Pit Deluxe is the ‘Corner on the Market’ card game! Shout your deal and trade your cards to ‘corner’ the market. Be the first to get all the cards of one commodity, ring the bell and you’ll win the hand.”


In a nutshell, each player is dealt a certain number of cards and then everybody begins shouting out “two, two, two” or “one, one, one” (or three or four) to trade a pair, trio, etc. of the same card to try to accumulate all one commodity (rice, corn, wheat, etc.). You alone can see the cards that you are trading, and when somebody else also has the same number of cards to trade, you swap those cards. The game continues in this loud, crazy manner until someone shouts “Corner on the Market” or rings the bell, signifying that he has all of the same commodities in his hand.


If you’ve got boys who like card games, your family will enjoy Pit. If you have a shortage of nerves, you will not! Takes a couple of minutes to learn. Check out the link below.




Pit Link: http://www.unclesgames.com/product_info.php?ref=59&products_id=181&affiliate_banner_id=1





Uno


The Uno website heralds Uno as one of the world’s most popular family card games, with rules easy enough for kids, but challenging and exciting enough for all ages.


This colorful card game is similar to “Crazy Eight” in that you go around the table playing a card if you have the same number (or color)—or you play a WILD card (in place of the crazy eight) that causes your opponents to have to draw four cards, skip their play, etc. The object of the game is to get rid of all of your cards.


This game, for ages seven and up, also takes a few minutes to learn—and has the added advantage of being for up to ten players. Great for large family play! This game is the most widely available of the three reviewed today and can usually be purchased at Walmart and other local retailers. Good for new readers or even smart non-readers, it is one of the most “family friendly” games as it is appropriate for fairly young children and even grandparents.


Uno Link: http://www.thehouseofcards.com/retail/uno.html

day fifty: tell your kids from the beginning that you are all blessed to be a part of your family

“The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family.” Lee Iacocca


About a dozen years ago, we went to a parenting seminar (we never outgrew parenting seminars!) in which the teacher said that we should tell our kids that our family is the greatest and go on and on about how wonderful it is to be a member of our family. He even said, “When you are all in the vehicle and driving somewhere, say aloud, ‘Which family is the best family ever?’” Then we should all chant and yell, “Ours is!”


Ray and I looked at each other and burst out laughing. Was this teacher a mouse in our full sized van, “Big Blue”? Ever since we can remember, and certainly since our oldest children were preschoolers and primary age children, we always gathered in the van and shouted out how great our family was, how glad we are to be a part of it, etc.


“Which family is the best family ever?”


“Ours is!”


“Who loves to be in our family?”


“We do!”


“Who has the best brothers and sisters?”


“I do!”






It sounds a little strange to read it—and unless you were there in our van with happy, giggling children and overjoyed parents, you can’t fully appreciate those wonderful times. But they were wonderful.


Children have a tendency to believe whatever they are told. So let’s tell them good things! How much better to start them off with a positive outlook on their family than on a complaining “other people have it better than I do” attitude that is so prevalent among kids today.


Our children always believed that we had an awesome family, in part because we “chanted” it (!) and in part because we did! We tried to do the many “positive parenting strategies” that I have been writing about. And we told them—frankly, that God has truly blessed us with a family and a Savior.


We wanted them to be happy that they were born into the Reish family. We wanted them to see how blessed they were to have such incredible siblings. We wanted them to appreciate their parents, who were dedicating a huge portion of their lives to raising them in the best environment we could create.


Maybe yelling out how blessed your family is seems awkward to you. However, we can all use a little more thankfulness and a little less complaining. And our children can certainly benefit from seeing us be grateful and happy that God has given us each other. Something as small as, “I am so happy that God gave us each other” or “We are certainly blessed to have the family we do” is a good place for us parents to start.


Obviously, it takes a lot more than chanting to create a happy home. But verbalizing our blessings can be a part of the making of a happy home. And convincing our children from the earliest ages that they truly are fortunate to be born into our family is a great way to get them on our team from the beginning.

day twenty-nine: teach your children to look at their own faults—not the faults of others

"And why worry about a speck in your friend's eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, 'Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,' when you can't see past the log in your own eye?" Matthew 7: 3 & 4


When I looked up this verse to include in today's blog, I was reminded of last year when my cottage class students were to write their own "modern day" version of this passage. They were extremely creative with it, using "normal" things like sand and boulder or grain of wheat and loaf of bread; however, one student went a little overboard with the creativity when he wrote, "Why worry about the Spam in your friend's eye when you have an entire hog in your own?" Wow, my students crack me up sometimes!

I want to share an exercise that has helped our family. Our associate pastor, Don Williams, and his wife (head of Renew Counseling Center at our church) recently spoke together on a Sunday morning about marriage. During this message, Nancy had everyone take a piece of paper and fold it in half. On the left side, you were to write a list of things that someone (i.e. your spouse, but we discussed this with our kids in terms of their relationships with each other, too) does that you do not like. Then on the right, you were to write your response to each of these acts (the way you usually respond).

Finally, you were to tear the page down the middle and throw away the half that listed your spouse’s (or sibling’s!) faults. But keep the list of your responses. That list is yours to work on.

Of course, we had a few moments of humor with this at the dinner table that day as Kara, our then-eighteen year old, announced that “it wasn’t hard for me to choose who to put on my page—or to think of the things HE does to annoy me….” with the three “he’s” sitting around wide-eyed, begging her to tell them which one of them she was referring to!

However, Nancy was exactly right. We cannot do anything about the list on the left. We cannot control that person. We cannot make that person change. We cannot “help” that person do the right thing. But we can control the list on the right. That is ours alone to conquer. That is a list of “to do” items—to change, to respond differently, to quit, to alter, to improve. That list needs to be our focus—not the other person’s list of faults that you made.

Ever since I can remember, Ray has coached the children in relationships in this way—you cannot control what the other person does, but you can control yourself. I hear him on the phone, weekly it seems, talking to one of the married kids or one of the college girls, reminding them of this truth. I listen as he tells the boys once again, that only you are responsible for your own actions—and you alone choose whether you want to invest in somebody (i.e. your sibling) or hurt that person.

Nancy’s exercise was a visible, tangible way to see this. When you rip up the other person’s faults and throw them away, you are symbolically and physically saying that you will not try to change that person. When you embrace the remaining list—the one that enumerates your faults (your negative responses), you are saying that you want to change—to do the next right thing, to work on that relationship—and your part in any negative aspects of it.

We must continually remind our children—and ourselves—to focus on our mistakes and not the mistakes of others. To be the first one to initiate reconciliation in relationships. To be the one who decides that this other person is more valuable than my being right. To be the type of person who works on the list on the right hand side of the page—and discards the list on the left.

day twenty-two: do not allow children to strike each other

"The only moral lesson which is suited for a child, the most important lesson for every time of life, is this: ‘Never hurt anybody.’”
                                          Denis Breeze

A question that we get asked a lot is “How do you get your kids to NOT fight?” Obviously, there are dozens, if not hundreds, of little things that go into siblings getting along. I would never pretend that our children always got along perfectly—or that they never had “their moments.” They are really good friends—both those at home and those who are grown, but seven kids and two parents living in one small fourteen hundred square foot house allowed for a lot of, well, relationship training! When our children didn’t get along, we tried to use the opportunity as a teachable moment, a time to instruct in interpersonal skills, problem solving, deferring, Christian character, and more.

However, one thing that we emphatically taught them concerning each other—from very young ages—is that you are not allowed to strike your sibling. I am sure that they did hit each other on occasion—or that “playing” got out of hand and what started as “normal” living room tackles became real pushes and shoves in anger, but I can’t say that I remember them, even as preschoolers, harming one another.

I think the whole not “striking your sibling” thing has to have three components to ward it off: (1) from the beginning of the child’s early memory, it needs to be ingrained within them that under no circumstances are they allowed to hurt others (siblings or otherwise); (2) it must be a “biggie”; in other words, it can’t just be a passing “don’t do that” or “go sit in the corner for that,” but instead must be a huge deal in your home, right up there with lying and other “biggies”; (3) it must be punished consistently if it occurs (while making a “big” deal out of this “biggie”).

Since this is a Positive Parenting blog, intent to give suggestions on Positive and Preventive Parenting, as opposed to Corrective Parenting, I will leave number three of the list above up to your personal discipline style. The other two, however, are taught through consistency and empathy training. Consistency in keeping appropriate behaviors in the forefront of their minds and hearts—and consistency in discussing these things all the time (as well as consistency in discipline). And empathy training by putting within their hearts that we must think of how others feel at all times.

I liken enforcement of the “biggies” of Christian parenting (lying, striking, disrespect, cheating, stealing, etc.) to a carseat analogy. People always say that they cannot “get” their kids to do something or to stop doing something, such as in the hitting scenario. However, those same parents somehow got their infant, then their toddler, to sit in a car seat every single, solitary time that child was riding in a vehicle. How could that be? Didn’t the child want out? Didn’t the toddler scream and throw fits? Didn’t you have to let him out and allow him to sit where he wanted to in order to have peace?

Of course, the answers to those questions are obvious ones. The child stayed in the car seat while traveling in the vehicle because there was simply no other choice. The same thing can be true of anything that is important to you in your parenting. If you truly want hitting (or lying or any negative behavior) to end, you must make it non-optional, just like you did staying in the car seat.

While I certainly do not agree with the above quote that the only lesson a child needs is not to hit someone, I do agree that ONE of the “most important lessons for every time of life, is this: ‘Never hurt anybody.’”