And
now…the entire “Twelve Terrific Times to Talk” in one place!
TWELVE TERRIFIC TIMES TO
TALK
In keeping with our blog’s themes of TWELVE this year for 2012,
we are starting a series called “Twelve Terrific Times to Talk.” There
are so many great times to talk to our kids that it is hard to narrow it down
to only twelve! We are so adamant and passionate about talking to and
communicating with our kids that we write about it and speak about it
frequently. For this series, we will go in a somewhat chronological order—so
invite your friends with olders to join us—we’ll get to that age group soon!
#1: BABY TALK
We are the most balanced baby people I know! No extremes here of
nursing a child on demand until age three ---or of putting a baby on a four
hour eating schedule while he's still in the hospital at two days old!
Somewhere between those extremes is an amazing way to parent babies and
toddlers in which everybody (baby, parents, and siblings) enjoy each other and
fall into a comfortable family rhythm that does not over-emphasize one child’s
“wants” over another. And one in which wants and needs are differentiated and
met as is appropriate. This is certainly not an article about baby and toddler
training (check out our blog for more on that!); however, our parenting of our
babies really did have something to do with the deep, communicative relationships
that we developed with our children.
Yes, we talked to our babies! Once our children were four to six
months old, they were seldom rocked completely to sleep. They learned to go to
sleep just like the rest of us—after all of their needs for cleanliness, food,
warmth, and comfort were met. However, when we got our babies and toddlers up
in the morning, we spent even more time with them. I would get our babies and
toddlers up, rock them, read to them, sing to them, walk around their rooms and
read their posters and plaques to them, etc.
We began talking baby talk early! Talking to babies and toddlers
via books, songs, rhymes, etc., then eventually discussing these things, was
the beginning of communicating with our kids. So….go for the baby talk! Start communicating
early with your kids.
#2: MALACHI TIME
In addition to talking to our babies and toddlers in the
mornings, Dad also communicated with our toddlers and preschoolers at night
through what we called “Malachi Time.” Based on the verse in Malachi about
“turning the hearts of the fathers to the children and the children to the
fathers,” Ray would tuck each child (age two or so and above) in their beds and
talk to them. Sometimes he might read to them; sometimes it might be a quick
prayer time. Other times, depending on the kids’ needs, Malachi Time would be a
thirty to sixty minute event. (We often alternated who got short “Malachis” and
who got long ones, making exceptions or changes to the schedule based on kids’
needs [and kids’ behavior—i.e. bad behavior sometimes needed even more talk
time-- that day!].)
Malachi time was such a special time for our olders that they
all recall it fondly. They remember that Dad never had to hurry them to bed in
order to go watch sports or play his computer game. He never had to rush
through their bedtime in order to do his own thing. They knew he always had
time for them. (And yes, he worked a lot—had a demanding job working sixty
hours a week minimum at that time.)
I have fond memories of our little Cami when she was two years
old, chasing Ray around the living room crying out, “Ky ky time! Ky Ky time!”—her
way of saying “Malachi time”! (How many
two year olds do we know who beg to go to bed?? Smile…) Truly, Malachi time was
the beginning of a long (fifty to seventy year?) tradition of availability for
our children.
#3: BIBLE TALKS
Bible Talks with Dad were another time to not only talk, but
also to teach. They were just as the name suggests—times in which the kids and
Dad talked about the Bible.
While Malachi Time was usually one-on-one, Bible Talks with Dad
were often two or three kids at a time with Dad. Malachi Time was often picture
books or heart talks. Family devotions and family worship were usually the
entire family together studying something or reading aloud from a devotional.
Bible Talks, on the other hand, were just that—talks about the Bible.
The reason Bible Talks were often two or three kids at a time is
because we began Bible Talks with Dad with the boys when there was a big
age/learning level difference between the “olders” and the “littles.” Thus, Ray
could talk to the kids at their levels.
Another benefit of Bible Talks is that they did not require any
books. As a matter of fact, Bible Talks often took place on the road or all
stretched out across the bed. Very informal. Read a verse (or bring a verse on
a card) and talk about it. No fancy handbooks or concordances—just what do you
think this verse means or how can we apply this to our lives?
Bible Talks are a good way to show kids that the Bible is
relevant to our entire lives. That it is something we want to talk about, learn
about, and live. That we should discuss applications in our lives all the time.
Plus, it’s just another “terrific time to talk” to our kids!
#4: WHO’S GOT THEIR SHOES ON?
A good piece of advice that we received early in our parenting
of many littles was to always take at least one child with us where ever we
went, if possible. The thinking was that if we always took a child with us, we
could talk and train “on the road.” Thus, we made it a point to always grab a
kid if one of us left the house to run an errand—or plan to take one child with
us if we knew ahead of time that we were going to be driving somewhere.
Out of this theory came our mantra: “Who’s got your shoes on?
Dad’s running an errand!” Or “Who’s got your shoes on? Mom’s got to take a
quick trip to town.” The kids would scramble and look for shoes and socks to be
the first one ready to head out with Mom or Dad. Of course, who went with us
wasn’t always based on who had their shoes on, but it was a little saying that
we used to emphasize the fact that we wanted to be with them—and know what was
going on in their hearts.
This has taken on different looks throughout our lives, As the
kids grew up, if we ever had to take two vehicles someplace (like if Dad was
joining us from work or coming later to something), on the way home, one child
would ride with Dad alone and the others would ride with Mom.(I had more time
with the kids automatically by homeschooling them during the day, so one-on-one
time with Dad was one of the things we used this time for.)
“Whoever has their shoes
on” became “whoever was working on learning to drive” starting about twelve
years ago as Ray taught each child to drive and took them out on the road a
couple of nights a week for a few months. While driving and learning the ways
of the road, conversations about so many other things just happened.
And today, it isn’t “who has their shoes on” as much as who
might be available to call on their cell phone as I’m driving (talking—NOT
texting!). I always look at the clock
when I get in the vehicle alone to see which grown son or daughter is doing
what—and who I should try to call to check in with. Ray’s drive time home from
work is usually spent talking to an adult child.
“Who has their shoes on”; “Who’s learning to drive”; “Who’s
available to call”---all avenues leading to the same goal: for our kids to
know, think, feel, and say, Mom and Dad
want to be with me and talk to me enough to take me with them when they go
somewhere, spend time with me as I’m learning to drive, or call me when we are
apart.
#5: TERRIFIC TUESDAY OR
WONDERFUL WEDNESDAY
With the addition of another child every other year or so, we
knew it was important to spend time with the older children. (We were taught by
our early mentors to put as much time and energy into our first two kids as we
possibly could, knowing that the “trickle down effect” of teaching would come
into play.)
Note: This is another reason we have felt so strongly about not
letting an eight month old, eighteen month old, or twenty-eight month old
determine the entire family’s schedule [i.e. have a “toddler run home”]—it
never felt right to let a toddler’s “wants” override a teen’s needs. Anyway,
because of the advice we received to invest significantly in our older kids for
the “trickle down effect” (which majorly works, I might add), we always looked
for ways to spend more time with Joshua (now 29) and Kayla (now 26). One of the
ways I did this was to implement “Terrific Tuesday” or “Wonderful Wednesday.”
One afternoon a week (either Tuesday or Wednesday, depending on
our schedule) a different “older” child got to have Mom to himself or herself
for a few hours. We tweaked our daily schedule (which usually involved Mom
teaching/story time/lesson planning,
etc. In the afternoons) so that right after lunch, somebody else
did story time with the litttles and got them to bed for their naps (one of the
olders not having her “Terrific Tuesday” that day), and I gave my undivided
attention to one of the other olders.
The child got to choose what we did for our afternoon together
(though it couldn’t be expensive—just a few dollars at the most). I spent many
a Tuesday or Wednesday afternoon at the public library, reading a chapter book
aloud at Dairy Queen, playing ping pong in the basement, or challenging a tween
to a Scrabble or Rummikub match. And then, of course, as the title of this
series suggests, in addition to being a “terrific Tuesday,” it also became
another ‘terrific time to talk.”
When kids get their parents’ undivided attention, something
happens within their hearts. There is a softening that takes place that doesn’t
just happen when you are gathered around the game table or watching a movie as
a family. Kids (especially tweens and teens) are very astute when it comes to
their parents’ priorities. Showing our kids that they are truly our priorities causes
a special bond that doesn’t just happen when we only make time for their
sporting events, debates, or concerts.
And yes, it was a sacrifice for me. I used to (and continue to
do so today with my writing work) have to work later in the evenings and often
after the kids were in bed in order to get all of the work done that is
required in raising a large family and homeschooling several children. Our
special times with our kids were not just “extra” time that we had waiting to
be used. They took conscious efforts and sacrifices to make them happen. But
now that our seven children are nearly fourteen to thirty, I can tell you
unequivocally---it is worth it all to find as many “terrific times to talk” as
you can.
#6: PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS, A NICKEL FOR A HUG, AND A DIME IF
YOU TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE ME
“A penny for your thoughts; a nickel for a hug; and a dime if you tell me that
you love me.”
We have talked at length over the past three years of this blog about
communicating with our kids. And how communication is a strong form of
"teaching when..." The ditty above is a little chant that we used to
say to our kids to remind them that we want to talk to them, that they are
valuable to us, that we love them "ten million times infinity and
beyond." From this saying, a valuable “object lesson” developed and tied
the heartstrings of my son and me in a special way some ten to twenty years
ago.
The rest of that jingle (after the infamous "penny for your
thoughts") goes on to offer not only a penny for what the person is
thinking, but also a nickel for a hug and ten cents if he or she says “I love
you.”
Sixteen cents… a meager amount of change that elicits warm feelings (and, I
admit, a few tears of longing) as I write this. Our oldest son and I used to take
the “penny for your thoughts” a little further when he was a little boy—and
repeat the rest of the jingle to each other, complete with a big hug and
special “I love you.”
As Joshua grew up, we would occasionally remind each other of how much we love
to talk—and how much we care for each other by giving each other sixteen cents.
When he was in high school and worked part time, I would wake up in the morning
to find him off to work—with a penny, a nickel, and a dime lying on my desk.
When he would open his lunch box, he would sometimes find sixteen cents taped
to the inside of his pail. Not enough money to buy lunch, for sure, but enough
money to know that Mom will be waiting on him ready to talk when he gets home
from work.
What objects might have special meaning to you and your child? Is there a
special item that you can attach unique meaning to for one or more of your
children? Is there a trinket, heart, words to a song, picture of the two of
you, favorite picture book, etc. that can be utilized as an object “just for
the two of you”?
#7:
“MY DAY”
When
I had several young children, I assigned each child “a day” each week. I first
got this idea when I was in teacher’s college, and it was suggested that we
teachers pick a different student each day to focus on. It was recommended that
we write that child’s name on the calendar for that day (to keep record of who
got which day and to ensure that each child got a day) and that we try to
praise, help, make more contact with, etc. that particular student on that day.
This approach would keep the “non-sqeaky wheels” from getting overlooked.
I applied that to my family, assigning each child a day (Monday was Cami’s day;
Tuesday was Kayla’s; Wednesday was Joshua’s; etc.). On that day, that
particular child got many advantages and privileges, as well as some extra
jobs. Here are some of the perks that I instituted for the child on his day
throughout the years:
(1) Special focus—I tried to praise, affirm, spend more time with, tie heart
strings more, etc. for that child on that day—without the child actually
knowing it!
(2) Sitting in the front seat if we went anywhere (Because we only went places
one or two days a week during the day during the week when my older children
were little, we had to alternate whose day it was each week because otherwise,
for example, the Monday or Tuesday child would seldom get to sit in the front
seat since we seldom went anywhere early in the week.)
(3) Sitting closest to Mom during morning read aloud and afternoon story time
(4) Saying the prayer during breakfast and lunch
(5) Getting to choose two stories instead of one at story time (and getting
their stories read first and last)
(6) Getting to have a longer talk time (Malachi time) with Dad that night
before bed
(7) Helping Mom cook dinner that day (before they could cook meals entirely by
themselves)
(8) Doing an extra job from the job jar
(9) Taking a morning or afternoon “twalk” (talk and walk) with Mom
My kids loved having their special day. It meant more responsibility and work,
but it also meant more heart-affecting time—and they were keenly aware of that.
#8:
DADDY TALKS
When
our “little boys” were tweens, we wanted them to learn about/hear about
sensitive things from their daddy—not from Sunday school teachers, youth
leaders, movies, television, or peers! It was about that time that we
instituted “daddy talks”—times in which the boys (one at a time or in pairs
since they were close in age) would sit down and talk with Ray about these
types of things. We called it “daddy talks”—and they knew that if they ever had
questions or heard things, etc., they could call a “daddy talk” and Ray would
be available. (Have I mentioned here or in our blog how crucial our
availability for our kids really is??)
I can remember that we started going to a
different church about the time one of our boys was eleven and going into sixth
grade. At this particular church, there was a special class that took place for
that age kids—boys went into one and girls went into another for a couple of
weeks to learn about “the birds and the bees” and purity. A boy at church told
Josiah that he had to go to the “sixth grade” class---that all kids at church
had to if they wanted to go to Royal Rangers. Josiah puffed his chest up,
marched right up to that boy, and said, “I don’t have to go to that class. I
have “daddy talks”! Too cute!
Sweet
stories aside, there was (and continues to be) something powerful in a
young boy’s life when he has “daddy
talks.” Something about those talks and that availability keep that boy from
straying too far—keep his heart in check and his activities and motives pure.
#9:
CALENDAR MEETINGS
The
scene was the same for our three girls and Mom and Dad—time to gather in the
living room with calendars in hand, ready to go over the upcoming weeks and
months to be sure we have everything down on the schedule—and to be sure that
we have plenty of time set aside for each other and our family. What wasn’t the
same was the addition of our future son-in-law—a sweet, amazing young man who
has no need for meetings, sitting for long periods of time listening to three
teenage/young adult girls and their parents gab. His response to our “calendar
meeting” was hilarious as he put a pillow over his head and kept coming up
periodically to ask if it was almost over!
As
our kids turned sixteen to eighteen (depending on gender, maturity, and where they
were in their education), their involvement in outside activities increased
exponentially—from doing school at home with Mom and Dad full time and spending
most free time with family and close friends to college, more ministry
activities, etc. It was extremely important to me and Ray that we stay close to
our young adults. Calendar meetings helped make that happen.
If
you have kids who are not yet teens, do not believe the falsehoods about how
older teens and young adults do not need their parents. It has been our
experience that they still need us greatly—but the roles change drastically.
They still need our continual input in their lives—but in the role of
counselor, mentor, help, and sounding board. But they still need us! And
calendar meetings helped make all of that talking, time together, and
counseling more of a reality in our young adults’ lives.
#10:
HALF BIRTHDAYS AND OTHER “DATES”
When
our older kids turned twelve (girls) or thirteen (boys), they began to have a
special privilege known as “half birthday dates.” At the 12 ½ (or 13 ½) year
old mark, that child got taken out to dinner with Mom and Dad for a unique
dinner date. The first date was a time for the son or daughter to re-committ to
purity (and for the girls, included a purity/promise ring)— and included a long
conversation affirming all of the teaching that they had received up to this
point about our relationship standards. (For our family, this has included a
commitment not to “date around” but to only begin seeing someone when he or she
is ready to get married and thinks the person might be “the one.” Of course,
there are many more details that go into this (i.e. getting parents’ approval
on both sides, establishing a relationship (that we called “courtsthip,”
etc.).)
Beyond
that first half birthday date, our kids’ “half dates” have included the child
choosing a restaurant and a night out with Mom and Dad to talk about goals,
friends, siblings, academics, ministry, and more. It was a novel idea that we
carried out for many, many years.
This
tradition has gone by the way for us today—as it served its purpose in
establishing times away for one child and Mom and Dad during the child’s teen
and young adults years. However, it is no longer needed in a formal manner
since we have “dates” with our teens and young adults much more regularly than
at the half birthday mark today. As a matter of fact, as I type this, we are
driving home from South Carolina to bring our son home from his internship with
the Academy of Arts. We just did a “dinner date” with our daughter and
son-in-law the night before we left to come to SC. The night before that found
us eating dinner alone with our seventeen year old after his first day of
college classes. As we drive home today, we will sit down with our son at one
of his favorite spots. In a few days, one of our daughters will be home with
her “court friend,” and the four of us will sit down alone one evening. A few
days after that, another daughter will be home for a short visit, and Mom, Dad,
and daughter will go to her favorite spot. (Yes, it costs money and
calories—both of which we save just for these occasions—time with our kids is
more of a priority to us than a beautifully decorated house or expensive
vehicles.)
When
our olders were younger, we would sometimes do “dates” one on one with the little
kids, too. These could be as simple as getting an ice cream cone at McDonalds
and going to the park to walk and see the buffalo or taking a bike ride. Time
with our kids one-on-one doesn’t always have to cost a lot. Once again, the
point is that each child knows that Mom and Dad want to spend time alone with
that child—and we will go to great lengths to be sure that happens.
#11:
WHEN YOU “SIT” IN YOUR HOUSE---PREFERABLY IN A TECHNO-FREE ZONE
Out of all of the
times/places that we are told to teach our children diligently in Deuteronomy,
“when you sit in your house” has got to be the most challenging. Over twenty
years ago, Gregg Harris gave us the greatest advice in his parenting seminar
(that we have used weekly and teach others to do the same): Whatever is
important to you to do with your children should be attached to something that
is already in the schedule. Thus, we attach reading together to rising/going to
bed; we attach family prayer to meals; etc. However, finding time to “sit in
your house” is another matter—and one that I would like to address as a talk
time in this blog post.
How many of us “sit in our houses”? That is, we sit—not to watch television,
pay bills, surf the web; play computer games; read the paper, etc., but just
SIT. With my AOADD (Adult-Onset ADD—self diagnosed!!!), sitting is not one of
my favorite things to do—unless I am doing something else at the same time
(i.e. working!). However, this is an often-overlooked period of time that we
truly need to tap into in order to talk with our children.
We have to force ourselves to “sit” with our children. We need to make it a
habit to just take a seat next to one or more of them each day—no electronics,
no work on our laps—and just “be.” These moments are when great communication
times as we are “sitting in our house” will occur.
Not necessarily formal teaching, though there are definite times and places for
that. But just “being.” Just saying, “Tell me about your day.” And truly
listening. Times to listen to their hearts sing the “talking song” that our
family adopted as a parenting cue many years ago: “Talk to me; show me that you
care. Talk to me; listen to the words I say. Talk to me; there’s so much we can
share. I know you love me when you talk to me.” Times to really look into their
faces and observe their countenance—to read the signs that show that deep
within that son or daughter is an ache, a question, an apprehension, an issue
that needs Mom or Dad time.
Recent statistics indicate that teenagers spend an average of less than thirty
minutes a week in a “meaningful relationship” with their mothers and fifteen
minutes per week with their fathers. Fifteen to thirty minutes a week with Mom
or Dad during some of the most critical years of a person’s life! (We have said
for years that ages sixteen to twenty are the highest need years for our kids
in terms of parental time and support.)
Another recent study of parents and children by an insurance company said that
children WANT their parents to spend time with them. Eight out of ten said they
resented being put in front of a television (instead of spending time with Mom
or Dad); sixty percent said they wished their parents spent more time with them
and worked less.
Parents who bring work home (instead of being available for their kids), put
their own hobbies and interests before the kids; and are consumed with their
home and possessions more than their kids are being coined as “Maybe later”
parents. As a mom of six grown kids (ages seventeen through twenty-nine) and one
younger (almost fourteen year old), I can tell you for sure that “later” never
comes.
So…the first piece of advice we have for establishing talk time when you sit in
your home” is to “sit in your home”! Set aside other things and make the time.
Fire pits; bonfires; electronic-free rooms; porch swing moments; Mom &
Dad’s bedroom for midnight meetings; family meals—all of these give
opportunities to sit with our kids. Let’s make it happen!
#12:
DRIVE TIME
Besides
the “techno free” zones and “sitting in your house” that I described in Talk
Time #11, drive time has come to be a meaningful talk time for our family. (See
Tip #4: Who’s Got Their Shoes On? for more one-on-one vehicle talking tips.) In
this final post of this talk series, I just want to encourage families in
general to reduce the “independent” times in the vehicle and make drive time
more “community” time.
We
could never afford newer vehicles, complete with game systems or televisions
(we don’t even have game systems or televisions in our home either, come to
think of it). Thus, our drive time for many years included reading aloud,
listening to audios, playing road games, and, of course, talking. (Now with
computers, the kids sometimes write papers, watch movies, or play games while
we drive.) As is the case with most things that families cannot afford, not
being able to afford newer vehicles with electronics built in has had an
immensely positive result: community time in the vehicle vs alone time.
We
have had literally hundreds of hours of teaching and talking time with our kids
in our van through the years. We talk one-on-one if it is just Dad and child or
Mom and child, but the majority of our times in the van have been
community—times to read aloud and discuss what we are reading; listen to an
audio and share in stories and teachings together; and talk about family
history, our beliefs, current events, church sermons, family standards,
personal goals, ministry goals, relationship issues, and much more.
If
your family drive times are more like “islands in the stream” than “group
hugs,” we would encourage you to declare certain drive times as family times.
Just announce that on Sundays, for example, no games or independent activities
will be allowed but instead family time will be instituted. Buy some new audio
series’ that will interest everybody. Get some “Ungame” cards out of an old
“Ungame” in your closet or from Goodwill and read these allowed and discuss
them. Do whatever it takes to make drive time more family time---and more talk
time.
It
has been a joy to share with you our Twelve Terrific Times to Talk. There are
so many other opportunities that we need to take advantage of in order to get
into our children’s hearts. We just encourage you to do it! Talk. Listen.
Share. Teach. Our kids will not be here at home with us forever. Let’s make use
of the times that we have to share with them—and see if we can increase that
“fifteen minutes of meaningful time with a parent” per week statistic to hours
each week instead!
Thanks
for joining us int his Twelve Terrific Times to Talk series! Watch this blog
for Twelve Back to School Tips for Those Attending School AND another series of
Twelve Back to School Tips for Homeschoolers! Coming up starting in a week or
so!
