Proactive Parenting: The Morning Routine

“The most important thing that parents can teach their children is how to get along without them.” Anonymous

Image Blessed Femininity

One of the most valuable “Proactive Parenting” tips that we have followed is that of the “morning routine” development. Twenty years ago we attended a parenting seminar in which a young mom was discussing how we could make our mornings run more smoothly, teach our children to be more independent, etc. through this thing that she called morning routines. She even had darling picture-filled charts that she made to help her non-readers follow their morning routines. We began morning routines immediately upon arriving home—and we still use them over twenty years later.

I tell moms in our workshops that “morning routines will change the way your entire day goes.” This has been true for us as a homeschooling family, but I definitely think that parents whose children need to get up, around, and off first thing in the morning would really benefit from developing these routines. If you find your mornings extra stressful—and you drop your kids off at school in less-than-happy moods as a result of the hurried, nagging-filled morning or you homeschoolers start your school day off with kids still in pajamas or carrying Lucky Charms into the school room when it’s time to begin—then morning routines are for you.

Below I will give you some tips for starting this outstanding daily habit—and in days to come, I will address various age groups and the morning routine more extensively.


1. Decide how extensive you want your child’s morning routine to be. For older kids (especially girls), we have found that it can be a full ninety minute block that includes their personal morning habits, as well as chores, devotions, and exercise. For younger children, especially boys, we have had morning routines that were simple—and called “room, groom, dress, mess”—signifying that it includes straightening their bedroom, person grooming, getting dressed, and cleaning up any messes they have from the night before (i.e. water glasses, books upstairs, making bed, etc.).

2. If your mornings are chaos now, I recommend starting with a simple list of five to eight tasks that have to be done upon rising—the most basic things that must be done. For example, getting changed, grooming, putting away pj’s, making bed, packing bag for day, etc. This can be added to later once these daily habits are established.

3. Consider what you truly have enough time for in the mornings. We are flexible with our mornings in that Mom and all of the kids stay home and do school, so we have a morning routine time, a chore time, and a personal devotion time—all before breakfast. (When our girls were home, they usually had an exercise time, as well.) If you need to get your kids out of the house early in the morning, you will not want to try to do so many things in the morning as your kids’ rising time would likely be unbearable to get all of those things in before a seven a.m. school bus trip.

4. If your children are always sleepy in the mornings—and hard to motivate, consider starting your morning ten minutes earlier, and waking them up to a story or a chapter out of a chapter book. When our boys were younger, I would sit on their bed in the morning and read to them to wake them up—then they got up and started their morning routines. This seemed to give them some time to get used to getting up and moving.

5. Be realistic in how much time everything takes. When we first set up our preschoolers’ morning routines, we used a timer and had them go do each task, then report back to us. We told them how long that activity took—and wrote down that time plus ten or twenty percent (since they will likely move more slowly in the mornings). Then we added up the total list and came up with an allotment of time for morning routines. This way both of us knew that they truly could get that little list done in that amount of time.

6. Set up consequences or rewards, depending on your parenting style. If you are having really harried mornings now, I recommend that you start out with rewards and then move to consequences. For example, you might have a jar for each child and every morning that the morning routine is completed without reminding, complaining, etc.—and on time—you put a quarter or fifty cent piece in the jar for a treat at the end of the week. After a couple of months, you could remove the reward incentive, but tell them that morning routines are still part of your day—and that if they do not do them according to the guidelines, they will lose a privilege.


The goal of morning routines is that everybody is doing what they need to do in order to start their day—without fighting, coaxing, cajoling, stress, and yelling. It is, in essence, a step toward teaching our “children to get along without us.”


*Watch this blog for future posts on morning routines at different ages and stages, chore charts, and more.

Parenting Seminar in Portland, Indiana Feb 1st and 2nd

Back-to-School Study Skills--Textbook Previewing With Your Kids Part I of III

“The object of education is to prepare the young to educate themselves throughout their lives.” Robert M Hutchins



Sitting down with your student and his textbooks (maybe one per evening) during the first week will go a long way towards his comprehension and ease of use of those books throughout the school year. Try these specific strategies for previewing textbooks with your student to help him or her get the most out of his or her texts this year:




1. Graphs and charts—Remind your student that charts and graphs usually restate (in another form) what is indicated in the text. He can use these for quick overviews, as well as for reviewing before tests.

2. Enumerations—If his text uses a lot of enumeration, it could be that this subject has a significant number of lists to be learned. Point him to these lists and show him that often what is listed in the margins or sidebars is also expounded upon within the text.


3. Section headings—The more headings a book contains, the easier it is to learn from. The student is constantly reminded, by the headings and subheadings, of what the section is about. Show him how helpful these headings can be as he uses the book during his reading and for test preparation.
4. Pictorial aids—Maps are always in included in history textbooks. If his textbook contains a large assortment of maps, show him how they can help him see the big picture. Maps usually show where something that is discussed in the text occurred.

5. Glossary—Books that contain glossaries give the student an easy way to find definitions that may be more obscure within the text. Teach him to use this for quick finds, but encourage him to use the text itself for most studying since students who learn vocabulary in context retain it better.


6. Tables of Contents—The Table of Contents can be used somewhat like an index to find where information is in a particular chapter. It is especially good for getting a big picture about a whole chapter.

7. Prefaces, introductions, and summaries—If a text has any of these three, some of the work is already done for the student. Show him how advantageous these are for quick previewing of a chapter.


8. Footnotes—If a student is in a class that requires research papers, footnotes can be a real plus. We teach our research paper students to use lengthy works’ footnotes to find other credible sources that they might use in their papers.

9. Appendixes—Appendixes are the “extra credit” of the book. I always like to thin of myself as a prized pupil, so I tend to gravitate to these right at first, since they’re usually for those who want additional information—and I always want to know more! Tell your students that sometimes the appendixes aren’t even used in the actual course, but they are good for learning more, for research-based reports, and for cementing what is found in the text.


10. Indexes—If a book doesn’t have an index, I say send it back and get a new one! Show your student how quickly he can find information with the index. The more specific the index, the better it is for the student.




11. Bibliography—The bibliography gives lists of books, articles, and documents relating to the subjects in the textbook. Like footnotes, we direct our research paper students to these.


12. Pronunciation guides—These guides give the phonetic markings to aid in reading unfamiliar words. Many texts do not have these guides, but they are helpful in a class where a student will be giving presentations so the can pronounce unknown words correctly.


Any signaling or sign posting that a book contains is that much more opportunity for the visual learner, especially, to learn and retain. If you have an auditory learner, you might have to record his vital info on cd or cassette! Smile…More study skills coming soon!!!

Developing Strong Study Habits for Younger Students

I have a lot to say about teaching our kids God's Word and ways as we "sit in our house"! I just haven't gotten my notes all together due to computer issues (just got the last computer back from the shop AGAIN,..). So, August has come upon us quickly...and so has "back to school time." I want to re-run some posts from last August about helping our kids with study skills, back to school routines, etc. for those who may have missed them or those who were not with us on PP last August.

So...here is the first one....a link to many links about developing strong study habits for younger students. Now is really the time to get serious about implementing some of these schedules and ideas (before the day before-back-to-school!)....so, get your iced water with lemon and click and read! :) Thanks for joining us!

http://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/09/day-240-strong-study-skills-begin-with.html

When You Rise Up: Age Appropriate Chores--Character Building in the Mornings

“You shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up” Deuteronomy 6:7

We really are going to move out of the "when you rise up" stage of "teaching them diligently"--honest! However, we have found that if you get the first hour or two of your day down the way you want it, you will have a much more successful day later on. Also, success in the morning motivates us to more success later in the day--success breeds success!

So, we have gone over and over the "faith in the mornings"--private devotions, listening in the mornings, family devotions and read alouds, and more.

The other area that we like to tackle following faith in the morning is character training via chores and responsibilities. We did an entire month of chores, morning routines, chore charts, and chore schedules last year, so I encourage you to go to the blogspot, look in the index under chores, and have at it.

For today, I am going to post the link for the "age appropriate chores." Summer is the perfect time to establish new chore schedules, morning routines, and more!


Chore Resources: http://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/04/day-113-114-resources-for-chores.html


Age Appropriate Chores (starting here with littles for several days): http://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/04/day-115-age-appropriate-chores-for.html

“When You Rise Up”: Faith in the Mornings— Read Aloud Collections Part I of III

“You shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up” Deuteronomy 6:7




We have been asked frequently about the “collections” that we enjoy reading from during morning devotions, as well as other times of the day.

There are many reasons that I enjoy reading “collections” to my children:

1. The entries are usually fairly short. We can read from any one of our “collection” books in under ten minutes, for the most part. While I like to have a lengthy “morning reading” time (we sometimes call it Bible/Character/Creation Science reading) of forty-five to seventy minutes since we only do it three days a week (we only do it on my non-work {teaching writing to homeschoolers to test our books} days), with my “collections,” I know that I can just pick up two or three and be done reading in twenty to thirty minutes on rushed mornings.

2. It allows us to read about a variety of topics all at the same time. We run the gamut in any particular reading session (Bible character in “Character Sketches”; animal in “Character Sketches”; weather in “In His Hands”; godly hero in “Hero Tales” or “Cloud of Witnesses”); American history in “Patriot’s Almanac”; character story in “Great Stories Remembered II”; and much more!).

3. Each entry is self-contained. When we do ongoing stories, biographies, history text, etc., if one of my kids is gone, I feel like I can’t read those that day because someone will be missing out and will be in the dark when we have our next reading. With collections, it doesn’t matter if somebody is missing that day or we take off for five days to travel (though collections are extremely portable---see point four!). There is no “catching up.” This aspect also makes “collections” great for family read alouds, evening devotions, bedtime stories, etc. for Dad. If Dad is gone, we aren’t “reading ahead” without him; he missed an entry or two, but not part of an ongoing story, etc.

4. “Collections” make for great travel reading. If we bring two small collections, we have a variety of interesting reading at our fingertips. Thus, devotionals, story time, etc. can often be continued in some form while we are on the road. When my kids were younger, I would often keep an “Uncle Arthur’s Bedtime Stories” book in the vehicle, so we had a variety of stories handy should we get detained for some reason. (I’m smiling fondly as I write this, remembering a couple of times in which we huddled under an overhang at a professional baseball game reading “Uncle Arthur’s” while the game was on hold for rain and while in a long line at Disney World gathered around our “Bedtime Story.”)



The next two posts will contain lists and links of the various “collections” that we have used with our kids for all types of reading. While we are still on “when you rise up,” I will include “all times of day” collections in these lists and specify how we have used them.

Also, I will break them up into two posts—one for “littles” (though my “biggies” often like these too!) and one for ages ten to twenty! Lastly, if you do not receive PP on FaceBook (by “LIKING” us), you might want to do so. I will be putting links, one at a time on that wall over several weeks. Thanks for joining us! Tell a friend about Positive Parenting!

“When You Rise Up”: Faith in the Mornings— Children’s Personal Devotions Part III of III

“You shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up” Deuteronomy 6:7


I am going to make a random list of things I can remember our children doing for devotions, character, discipleship, etc. I’ll try to list them in a semi-chronological order by age group. (Books that are reviewed at PP 365 blogspot are marked with asterisk.)



*Early Readers’ Bible

Bible story book and audio sets, including “Stories That Live” (not sure if those are still out there but Joshua and Kayla used to love these!); NEST; and others that I picked up at the library (those little plastic bags with book/tapes or cd’s)

*Your Story Hour audios

Doughnut Man videos

*NEST videos

Patch the Pirate audios

Felt Bible lessons

*The Bible in Pictures for Little Eyes

*Uncle Arthur Bedtime Stories

*The Picture Bible

*Family Bible Library

Youth Devotional Books

Key for Kids

Bible quizzing cards

Scribing—writing out a book of the Bible in a journal

Quote-ables—writing out verses, quotations, etc. in a journal

Biographies of godly heroes

Case for….books

Case for….books for kids

Psalm a day

Proverb a day

A Gospel chapter a day

Authors our teens have read widely:

C. S. Lewis


John Piper


A. W. Tozer


Ken Ham


Genevieve Foster


Martin Luther


Amy Carmichael


Hannah Hurrnah


Joni Eareckson Tada


John Bunyan


Josh McDowell


Lee Strobel


Elisabeth Eliot


Kay Arthur


Andrew Murrey


Charles Sheldon


R.A. Torrey


Henry Morris


Gary Parker


William Durrant


Franklin Graham


David Wilkerson

Words Make a Difference

The link below just came through on Facebook, and I automatically started running through the many applications of it. Writing (our son is speaking about word choice today at the APACHE convention in Illinois today during his Writing With Style session!). Marriage (oh yeah). And, of course, parenting.

How many times do we say, "You always..." When we should say, "I feel like this or that happened.." How many times do we say, "Why can't you..." When we should say, "It would be so great if you could..."

And then there's the whole thought of hurtful words. How many times do we use hurtful words to our children instead of words of peace; words of love; words of affirmation; words of encouragement; or even words of helpful instruction?

Watch this clip with those thoughts in mind...and let's all choose the right words today!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hzgzim5m7oU&feature=player_embedded#at=97

“When You Rise Up”: Faith in the Mornings Part II of Many (!)

“You shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up” Deuteronomy 6:7



In keeping with a potential model in II Peter 1:5 as a basis for our how days would flow: “But also for this reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, and to your virtue, knowledge,” we started our kids’ days out with faith. This included private devotions, family devotions, read alouds, etc. through the years. Over the next couple of days I will give some ideas for this.


Today I will focus on Bible reading together in the mornings. I have expounded over the past year on much of the teaching that we received twenty-plus years ago from Gregg Harris (father of Josh Harris of “I Kissed Dating Good-Bye” and Alex and Brett Harris of “Do Hard Things”) in his “The Christian Homeschool Workshop.” One of the things that he taught us was to attach things that we want to implement in our homes to something that is already in our schedule, beginning with meal times.

We took his advice on this (and many other things) and came home and attached Bible teaching to just before breakfast—when we “rise up.” This has looked different all the time—some of the time Ray did it before work (and the kids went back to bed after he left!); some of the time I did it before breakfast; some of the time I did it during breakfast; some of the times we snuggled in my bed and read Bible and character materials before starting chores and the busy-ness of the day.

One of the downfalls of so many people out there telling us how to teach our children the Bible, how to have devotions, etc. is that it is often made to seem much more difficult than it is! (There are way more benefits, but this is definitely a downfall in our opinon.)

Tomorrow I will list many of the morning devotional ideas that we have used—some are as simple as reading a Proverb and talking! 

Character Quality Studies

Since the language arts curriculum that we write is based on character qualities, we have a handy little Character Quality and Overview "Chart" to help parents teach character in their homes.

This "chart" goes character-trait-by-character-trait (twenty-four in all) with some handy information for implementing character training in Christian homes--regardless of whether you homeschool or not and regardless of whether you use our language arts curriculum or not.

Here are some cool things these character quality overview charts have:

1. Character Quality listed at the top of each chart
2. Key verse that goes with that quality
3. Sermon on the Mount Scripture focus that points to that quality
4. Related character qualities--those that are similar and those that are opposite
5. "Detailed Areas of Study in This Unit"--this details some of the stories, characters, science and nature areas, historical figures, missionaries, Bible people, etc. that our language arts curriculum focuses on in that monthly unit--but for those wanting to use this as a character quality study/overview, it lists songs, books, topics, etc. that you might do during your study of that character quality (especially biographies, Bible characters and stories, books to read, etc.)
6. Bible passages--these are listed in the margin and are passages of Scripture that you may read together as a family, etc. for devotions
7. Bible characters-this is a list of Bible characters that did or did not exhibit that quality
8. Materials Available Through Training for Triumph--these are books and additional materials that we carry about that character quality

This is a great resource for gathering items to study character! Homeschoolers can print off eight of these for the eight qualities that they would like to focus on during the eight months of the school year, take this to conventions with you--and get read alouds, etc. to go with your character studies.

Non-homeschoolers can have verses and Bible characters at a glance to read from for quick devotions, etc.

When you go to the link below, be sure to scroll down a few pages to the first of the twenty-four qualities.

http://www.tfths.com/docs/ch18cq&ca&os.pdf

Modeling Character in Our Own Lives

I have talked about our “Deuteronomy verse” that first told Ray and I that we should teach our kids God’s ways all the time—in all situations. And we blissfully encouraged ourselves with that verse for many, many years in our parenting. Then, for some odd reason, we read the earlier part of the verse—and it hit us between the eyes:

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up” Deuteronomy 6:5-7 NJKV.

This, coupled with a couple of other verses that I will share in the next few days, practically shouted to us—“Get it together! You can’t give your kids what you do not have!”

This verse showed us that we should love God with everything—then have his commandments (and his ways, his teachings) in our hearts/lives. And THEN teach them to our kids.

No, we did not become perfect. I still mess up! Ray does too (though not as often as I!). But we made it our primary goal to become what we want our kids to be eventually—and God blessed our efforts, imperfections and all.

The kids know that in my heart of hearts (and Ray’s as well) we truly want to live God’s word and God’s ways. They know that we strive to live what we teach. They know we are not perfect—but they trust our motives, intentions, and efforts. And that trust can only be gained from our children as they see us trying to do what we are asking of them.

Character Q & A: How Can I Start Character Training With My Toddler? Part II of II

Continued from last post…



3. Decide ahead of time what your “behavior absolutes” are.

a. These are the behaviors or character that you absolutely will not allow in your home. What you allow now will become the “acceptable behaviors” to your child. These seemingly innocent actions include “fibbing,” hitting, running the other way when called, etc.

b. For us, these “behavior absolutes” included talking back (no toddler saying “no” without being punished); lying or deceit; temper tantrums; and striking (hitting, pulling hair, throwing things at someone, etc.). Obviously, we wanted our kids to learn to obey and submit to us and to learn the many character qualities that are crucial to living a Christian life, but these four things were things we never wavered on—and things that we made huge deals out of when they were not adhered to by the toddler/preschooler.

4. Start showing your little one the joy of doing what is right. Contentment in your own life, the blessing of work, the joy of loving God and His people—and all of the character that you want your little one to adopt in his life—love, longsuffering, diligence, responsibility, and more will more likely be realized in our kids’ lives when we ourselves embrace and model them.

5. Try to establish routines that will aid in his character development—bedtimes, rising times, little “chores” (putting his books in his book basket after you read), nap times, meal times, story time, etc.



For more tips on toddlers and babies, click on the links provided below:



Who makes the decisions for the children—starts here and goes for a few days: http://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/10/day-260-who-makes-decisions-for.html




Say what you mean—starts here and goes for two days: http://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/09/day-248-dont-leave-your-little-one-at.html






Storytime: http://positiveparenting3-6-5.blogspot.com/2010/07/day-204-story-time.html

Character Q & A: How Can I Start Character Training With My Toddler? Part I of II

Question: How can I start some of the character training concepts and habits that you describe with a toddler?


Answer: If you are just starting out with your family and have only a toddler, you have the perfect opportunity to start out right in the character training of your children! I will offer some general tips below, but even more importantly than the “daily ins and outs” of the ideas I recommend, I suggest that you read Parenting Paradigms at this blog. Even if you take to heart some of the ideas for your little one given in this Q and A, in the end, you will be more successful at character training if you have a firm handle on what you believe about parenting and children.



Toddler Character Training Tips:



1. Start adapting the toddler to your schedule and your family’s lifestyle as soon as you can (six to nine months) rather than making your family’s life revolve around the little one’s “wants.” You want to enjoy your toddler within the dynamics that your family already has (with the addition of the joy and wonder that a toddler brings into the family, of course)—as opposed to making everything change to meet unnecessary and often damaging demands that a toddler who is given his own way all the time can often make.



2. Remember that you are setting the stage right now for your child’s “tastes” (follow us on PP 365 or schedule our seminar for more details about this important concept).

a. You can set his tastes for defiance (allowing screaming, throwing, thrashing, and “no” from him) or submission.

b. You can set his tastes for selfishness and meanness (allowing hitting or other forms of striking, giving in to him when he wants something that someone else has, always making his surroundings whatever he wants (i.e. no bedtime, no sitting in high chair, etc.) due to “fits” or for kindness, gentleness, sweetness, and tenderness.

c. You can set his tastes for hyper-stimulation and activity (too much running; no scheduled down times; television and videos all the time) or for simple things (books, healthy toys, rest, etc.).

d. You can set his tastes to lack focus and not enjoy learning (again, too much video, not starting out with books and simple music; an avalanche of cartoons and children’s programming (some of which are developed in two second bits to keep up with short attention spans, thus, causing kids’ attention spans not to lengthen as they should) or a love for learning (via books, strong family learning and discussion times, etc.).


Tomorrow—deciding “behavior absolutes” for your toddler and establishing routines.

Re-Run From Last Year: "Shoeless" Joe Jackson Part II of II

Yesterday I described how we took our boys to the "Shoeless" Joe Jackson museum and how many teaching opportunities arise when we are looking for them everyday. Today I will describe some of the discussions that followed our museum visit to show how we can carry out the Deuteronomy verse about teaching our kids all the time!


"You shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up…”





To get your mind churning about the many ways we can start powerful, life-affecting discussions with our children as we “walk by the way” on vacation, field trips, at the park, in the zoo, and within our homes, I want to give you a short list of some of the talks we had as a result of our hour long visit to the infamous baseball player’s home place. (See yesterday’s post to learn more about our visit there.)


Read through this list and jot down some notes for your family—what things have you watched, read, seen, or experienced that could lead to true spiritual, mental, moral, and ethics teaching in your children’s lives?




*Could a person who broke sports records in a certain game actually be involved in “throwing” that game? Is Jackson’s record breaking that day proof that he was not involved in the cheating? (Jackson made baseball history with his remarkable performance on the day that he supposedly cheated.)


*Does poor leadership and unfair treatment by an authority give us an excuse to take things into our own hands or even “cheat” to get what is due us? (It was purported that the “throwing” was initiated because of the owner, Cominsky’s, mistreatment of his players.)


*What does a hasty response lead to? (It was thought that perhaps Joe Jackson agreed to the cheating on a whim or as a joke but then didn’t really want to or plan to.)


*Does trying to return stolen goods or “dirty money” make everything all right? (It was said that once he did get the money, he went to Cominsky/coaches to give it back as proof that he didn’t want to partake in the activity.)


*What role did illiteracy play in all of Jackson’s troubles? How important is literacy at a basic level and critical thinking at higher levels in not getting involved in things unknowingly? (Again, another reasoning for Jackson’s trouble was his inability to read/write and his signing of documents that led him into more trouble.)


*How did getting involved with evil companions lead to “Shoeless’” downfall? What does the Bible say about negative companions and peers? (It was suggested that Joe Jackson got involved with gangster type of teammates, which led to his demise.)

Paradigm #10: Whether or not Christian parenting needs a foundation of relationship and empathy—Part II of II

Another picture of the relational aspects of parenting can be seen if we model our “teaching” of our kids after Jesus’ teaching and relationships with those He instructed. Jesus was the perfect teacher and leader:

1. He knew the needs of the people.

2. He listened to them.

3. He asked them questions to find out what was in their hearts.

4. He told them stories to help them understand difficult concepts.

5. He got up early and stayed up late to be with them.

6. He met them where ever they needed for Him to (i.e. in the sycamore tree or in the dark of night—reminds me of raising teens!).

7. He loved them no matter what.

8. He forgave them over and over again.

9. He never agreed with sin, but He still loved the sinner.

10. He took them on way cool outings and trips—in boats, long walks, parks, hilltops, cemeteries…

Wowsie—I want to be to my children just like God is to me. Wouldn’t that be amazingly relational? Smile….

Paradigm #10: Whether or not Christian parenting needs a foundation of relationship and empathy—Part I of II

As much as we teach about parental control in the early years of a child’s life (and child discipline when kids disobey or are disrespectful), we truly believe that Christian parenting needs a foundation of relationship and empathy—and that a parent-controlled home is not incongruous with parenting with relationship and empathy.

As a matter of fact, we believe that once children learn obedience, submission, and respect, the relationship and empathy come easily. Just like we respect, submit to, and obey God as Christians—but love Him like crazy and know that He loves us and understands how we feel, so it can be between children and parents (honest!).


There are many indications in the Bible that parenting should be relational, including some of the same verses we related earlier concerning child discipline.


First of all, the verses we studied concerning when and where character training should take place give us a glimpse into the relational aspects of parenting: “…You shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up” (Deuteronomy 6:6 NKJV).


Why do we see this verse as pointing to how relational parenting should be? All of the places and times indicated in that verse for training our children in godliness point to lots of time together and teaching along the way—a very relational way to teach our kids. If we are truly using those times as benchmarks for training our children in God’s ways, we will be relational simply because we will be “doing life” with our kids. I just love the intimate picture that verse paints of the parent-child relationship.


Another verse that we discussed in terms of our responsibility to discipline our children points to the relational aspects of parenting as well: “Fathers do no exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Eph 6:4 NIV).


Yes, this verse tells us to bring our children up in a Christ-centered, Christ-teaching home. But it also tells us (especially fathers) to bring them up in the training of the Lord without exasperating them—without “driving them to wrath” as other versions put it. Truly, we need to teach our kids about the Lord all the time—but our relationship with them should be intimate, caring, and empathetic—the kind of relationship that will keep our children from being exasperated or driven away from us.


Tomorrow—more on how our parenting relationship should be intimate and relational. Thanks for joining us!

Paradigm #9: The amount of time that we believe Christian parenting involves

The Bible tells us that “time is a vapor,” and no area of life is this truer than in parenting. And yet, when we moms have three or four preschoolers, toddlers, and babies under foot all day with no adult companionship for ten or twelve hours, time seems to move in slow motion. If only we could fast forward twelve years from now and see how deceiving those “long days” really are. (Then come back to our days with our “littles,” of course!)

If we realized how fleeting time with our little ones really is, we would not think twice about the amount of time it takes to tend to them, teach them, play with them, care for them, and more. We would think it was a drop in the bucket compared to our entire lives.

The same is true of all parenting. There simply isn’t that much time—at least not nearly what we think there is. In terms of parenting my seven children during their “childhood” years (birth to eighteen years), I will have a total of thirty-six years of parenting. Okay, that sounds like a lot…but it isn’t! We only have eighteen years per child—not very much.

How much time is too much to invest in parenting? I mean, real time—not time that the kids are in church, or at school—or times that we watch them play sports or do gymnastics (though supporting them in their activities is crucial too—I told you parenting is really, really hard work!).

For us, we have decided that no amount of time is too much. Nothing we could give up to focus on our children is too much—not an expensive home, a large salary, evenings spent doing what we would like to do, television programming, church activities, hobbies, Saturdays at the golf course or the mall—nothing.

We will not do everything perfect. We will make mistakes. We will fail our children unknowingly many times simply because we are human. But we do not have to fail in areas that we know we should do—for us, these areas are planning the training of our children and spending whatever time it takes during their growing up years.

Paradigm #8: How we view the responsibility of parenting—very serious involving much thought and planning or not

Without a vision....the family perishes...


When our older children were little, Ray worked twelve hours every day minimum. He left at 6:30 in the morning and never got home before 6:30 in the evening, though it was often eight o’clock when he arrived home. Because of his work schedule and because we had certain goals and schedules that we wanted to keep with our children, we were fairly regimented about how we used our days and evenings.

Friends often did not understand us. They would say things like, “You’re taking this parenting stuff too seriously; it doesn’t have to be that hard,” and “Lighten up a little,” etc. when they wanted us to be more “free spirited” and flexible. We knew that with Ray’s work schedule, we didn’t have the luxury of running around in the evenings or of skipping our family time too many nights in a row.

That strict schedule actually forced us to become the learning-and-playing-together family that we are today. We didn’t have any time to spare during those early days. And, those “strict scheduled days” actually led us to adopt our “three or four evenings a week all together” tradition that has kept our family together and strong for twenty-eight years.

The Bible tells us that without a vision, people perish. We believe the same can happen to our family. We will get into some of the ways we have planned our family’s “life” in the coming weeks, but for now, if we just grasp the idea that our children’s spiritual, character, and moral training are important enough to spend time planning and thinking about, we will look at each day differently than we previously did.

Parenting is serious work—and a huge responsibility. While spontaneous family fun is amazing—we cannot overlook the fact that we are stewards and overseers of the little souls entrusted to us. And that is nothing short of serious—and eternally crucial.

Paradigm #7: Who did God intended to run the home—the parents or the children?

This answer is easy on the surface. Of course, parents are supposed to run their homes—not the children! However, we so easily fall into a trap of letting children run things in our homes rather than parents.


Oh, it’s not intentional. None of us sets out in our parenting with the plan for the kids to run the show. We all have ideas that the parents will run things and the children will comply with the family rules and guidelines. Yet somehow, these dreams sometimes evaporate as we “walk on eggshells,” “try to keep peace,” and “attempt to make our children happy and comfortable.”


The Bible talks a lot about children being foolish, needing discipline, being ours for discipleship, being young and immature, being refreshingly naïve, and more. It makes it clear that when children are children they “think as children.” We all know that our kids were given to us to raise, care for, and train. Yet we sometimes lose sight of the fact that we truly do know what is best for our kids—and not the kids themselves.


Case in point—we know that it is safer for children to be in car seats (plus it’s the law in most states). And we follow through—even if they throw fits.


We also know that children need a certain amount of sleep, healthy foods, medications when they are ill, clean water, and more. But many of us can’t seem to carry out these things if a child protests too loudly that he does not want to go to bed (or stay in bed if he wakes up at five o’clock in the morning), that she does not want to eat what we know she should, etc. And those protests often drive us to actually allow our children to run certain areas of our homes rather than we parents running them.


We will refer to these scenarios throughout this year as “child-controlled homes” rather than “parent-controlled homes.” We have found that it is vital to the character training of our children for parents, not kids, to control the home. Once this is established in the early childhood years, other character training is so much easier.


And, believe it or not, kids are happier in parent-controlled homes  than they are in child-controlled homes. They feel secure. They know the boundaries. They are safe. They are being guided by adults who adore them and would do anything to keep them safe and well. This environment, in which parents make decisions for the children until they are mature enough, is a “safe haven” for children to develop positive character in the years to come.

Paradigm #6: Whether or not it is possible to “wait too late” or discipline too little resulting in extremely negative consequences

There is one “punishment” Scripture that has always stood out to me among the several that are usually quoted—that is Proverbs 19:18: “Discipline your children while there is hope. Otherwise, you will ruin their lives” (NLT).


Two things stand out to me about this New Living Translation version passage:


1. There is a window of time to discipline our children that we can actually miss if we are not careful.


2. We can “ruin” our children’s lives if we do not discipline them.




Now, obviously, I can take these verses to extreme—I mean, what is the window? Is it fluid, based on each child or is it constant—and we need to be sure to stay on top of it? Am I one month too late, so my child’s future is sealed with disaster?


Is there no hope at all if I do not discipline---I mean, what about the sovereignty of God, what about free will, what about other influences, what about grace?


Obviously, these are proverbs for living—and our children are not absolutely doomed if we do not discipline them. (And we all make mistakes in our parenting.) However, this verse has always spoken to my heart that God wants me to do my part in child training of our young children—and to do it in a timely manner. And Proverbs are generally a glimpse into something bigger that we need to apply in our lives.


Society bears this verse out—as does research. Society says, “Get them while they’re young”; “this age or that age is the tenderest age.” In our heart of hearts, we know that children are impressionable. We know they are like sponges in their early years. We know that so many habits and behaviors are formed in the early years.


And research bears this out. So many studies have shown over and over again how much learning takes place in the early years of a child’s life. Various studies show signs of this—that 80% of everything a person knows is learned by age five; that a child’s moral compass is set by a certain age (for the most part); and on and on.


As is usually true, the Bible declared it first—then society and research confirms it (not that it needs confirmed!). I know in our parenting we have held this verse in high regard and tried to apply it to the early discipline of our children—with positive results.


By the way, the King James version of this Scripture is also born out in our children: “Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying” (KJV). Moms, especially, are prone to give in to a child’s crying and fussing—and Solomon even addressed this problem! Smile…