Saturday, May 8, 2010

day 127 & 128: ramblings of motherhood--emotions

                                         Ramblings of Motherhood

Ramblings of motherhood—The main thoughts that I have had about motherhood lately are those of the emotions involved in being a mom. Shoo-eee…they can be overwhelming at times. So, I give you my ramblings of motherhood’s emotions this weekend.

Sorry about the caps and the length! I can’t figure out how to bold font on the Facebook notes section, so I capped the emotions I wanted to emphasize. I didn’t want to divide it in two, so I am posting it in its entirety for the two day weekend.

Also, I was going to go through and fix the emotions to make them parallel—all adjectives or all nouns, etc., but then the piece wouldn’t be ramblings, would it??

Happy Mother’s Day with love and best wishes for your Christian parenting!

                          Emotions of Motherhood

The day I found out I was pregnant for Joshua—JOY UNSPEAKABLE!

Coming out of the bathroom at the hospital and seeing eleven-month-old, croup-filled Joshua crawling down the hall as fast as he could after climbing out of his hospital bed. SURPRISED but DELIGHTED.

Graduating from college and becoming a stay-at-home mom with my little first born just before he turned two. RELIEF, DETERMINATION, and CONVICTION.

PAIN AND DISAPPOINTMENT. C-section after thirty-six hours of labor in an attempt to have a normal delivery after my previous c-section.

Discovering that I had developed Rh and kel antibodies at Kayla’s birth that could harm future Rh positive babies. I was so young (only twenty-three) and incredibly OVERWHELMED and SCARED.

SURPRISE and JOY when the doctor announced, “It’s a girl” at Kayla’s birth. Ray only had boy cousins and brothers, so we thought it would be a while before we got a little girl.

Nursing problems with Kayla (and Joshua earlier) that were so OVERWHELMING and EMOTIONAL-LADEN that I thought my heart would break in two as I tried to make it all work out and was met with daily DISAPPOINTMENT.

Reading to Joshua for literally six hours some days when he was four or five…and having him ask for more. AMAZEMENT as I realized the POWER and INFLUENCE I had on my children.

Kayla’s darling-ness—and orneriness—and my DOUBTS that this Christian parenting thing would really work after days filled with correction and discipline and a little girl who was determined to “do it her way.”

Cami’s birth—and the OVERWHELMING feelings that Ray and I both experienced—three kids and only two parents. How could we ever do this?

Being in the hospital over Christmas, holding my baby, and thinking that Cami was the absolute best Christmas present that anybody in the world got that year. JOY, PEACE, and EXCITEMENT.

When Joshua graduated to chapter books during read alouds and story time--and watching him stare into space as I read, knowing that he was “making the pictures in his mind now.” AWE.

HUMORED, watching Joshua, Kayla, and Cami play together—and seeing how Joshua had the girls wrapped around his little finger early on. “Dossie” could do no wrong to them.

Teaching Joshua, Kayla, and Cami how to work, garden, cook, bake, clean the toy room, do laundry, vacuum, and much more when they were so young. HAPPY and GRATEFUL for their joy and cooperation yet STRESSED, wondering over and over if I am doing a good job of this overwhelming role of mother.

Getting up on Saturdays and seeing Joshua get out his school tub and dig in, totally oblivious to the fact that other kids did not “do school” on weekends. JOYFUL and a little SNEAKY (didn’t tell him for the longest time that Saturdays were not school days!).

SATISFACTION and HUMOR, watching Joshua, age eight, learn how to mow with the riding mower and hearing it “putt putt” and stall as he slipped forward—only when he sat all the way back did he weigh the seat down enough to keep the mower running.

Kara’s first three months as “colic Kara” in which she seldom quit crying or screaming and the DESPERATENESS I felt day in and day out with four little kids, one of whom could never be put down and barely put off the breast without intolerable wailing.

Finally getting all of my nursing problems worked out with Cami but then developing mastitis with Kara that resulted in delirious fever and a dark-purple colored breast. SICK, SICK, SICK!

The day I laid 3 ½ month old Kara down on a blanket on the floor to run to the bathroom and discovered that she didn’t scream. She didn’t even cry…just looked around the room. And in an instant, I knew her colic days were over. AMAZEMENT, RELIEF, and HAPPINESS.

When Joshua learned to read, at age eight. Even as a teacher, nearly finished with a master’s degree in reading specialist, I will never forget the RELIEF when he finally “got it.”

Our OVERWHELMING move away from our hometown and the JOY of just being our little family of six, not knowing anyone or having any outside demands.

Then LONELINESS and DEPRESSION as I parented four little kids alone fourteen hours a day while Ray worked—and we lived one to two hours away from family and knew very few people in our new community.

Discovering (via cordoscentisis) with great relief that Jonathan was Rh negative. THANKFULNESS.

Joshua’s joy when he discovered that, after waiting for nearly ten years, he had a little brother. BLISS.

HAPPINESS and PEACE as we all enjoyed Jonathan and what an amazing little guy he was…so sensitive, sweet, and happy. He was the girls’ living doll—and they all three became baby crazy (like their mama!).

Watching Joshua build with legoes and draw/color maps by the hour—so GLAD God led us to this way of life.

HAPPY, seeing Kayla devour books, checking out dozens of books from the little Berne library every week, only to have to make special trips mid-week to stock up for more.

Cami’s love notes—on every school paper, journal, notebook, and scrap of paper…”I love Mom,” “I love Dad,” “I love my brothers and sisters,” “I love Jesus,” “My family is the greatest,” “I love homeschooling.” OVERWHELMING GRATEFULNESS and CONTENTMENT.

My scary pregnancy with Josiah. Dozens of ultra sounds, amnioscentesis, and fretful moments. FEAR and DESPERATION.

Josiah’s birth and Rh disease. SCARY moments at the hospital. Ray wheeling me over to the hospital every three hours to pump and hold Josiah. His transfusion. My FEAR that we would never have another baby (since once one positive baby is that sick from Rh, you seldom have a healthy one again).

CONTENTMENT and feelings of SATISFACTION during morning read-alouds with Jonathan playing on his blanket and Josiah being bounced by one of the kids as he sat cooing in his “bouncy seat.”

Making Christmas ornaments and huge messes, but thinking that it was worth it all to see such happy children. BLESSED.

SURE during field trips in which my two sponges, Joshua and Kayla, would soak up every tidbit of information shared. And Cami would inevitably make a friend.

Wonderful Wednesdays, one afternoon a week spent with a different child. PURPOSEFUL and CERTAIN that this life I was living was what I was supposed to be doing.

Watching Kayla, Cami, and Kara play with their American Girl Dolls for literally hours, as Kayla sought to make each aspect of their play as historically-accurate as she could. HAPPINESS and FUN.

Finding out, this time through amnioscentisis, that Jacob was a boy (first time we found out the sex in utero) and that he was rh negative and perfectly healthy. AMAZING RELIEF.

Discovering within a week of Jacob’s birth that he was not going to make anything easy during his first few years. OVERWHELMED, QUESTIONING our parenting more than ever.

JOY, watching the girls play house with the little boys, loving them, cuddling them, teaching them, and spoiling them.

Watching, via ultra-sound over a two hour period, our eighth and final baby, Carly Grace, die in utero at twenty-two weeks gestation during an intrauterine blood transfusion that was performed to try to save her from the Rh and kel antibodies that were attacking her. And feeling like I, too, would die of a BROKEN HEART.

Realizing that I was getting sicker and sicker as I labored following Carly’s death—only to discover that my uterus had ruptured and I was literally bleeding to death internally. The HEART-RENDING moments with Ray before I was wheeled into surgery and RELIEF that should I not make it, I did not have huge regrets for how I spent my life.

Watching each of the kids hold their dead baby sister and trying to comfort them when I had no emotional resources to do so. EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY, and SPIRITUALLY BARREN.

DESPERATE, thinking that I was not up to parenting a strong-willed child as Jacob entered age two and being so GRATEFUL that Ray picked up the slack as he announced, “We will not let him become a brat.”

GRIEF-STRICKEN for months over the loss of Carly and the loss of my uterus, thinking all the while that I have to get up and parent these kids but not having the ability to do so.

Ray leaving his demanding job as a plant manager to take a lesser job in order to raise our teens the way we felt God wanted us to…the feelings of ANTICIPATION and JOY that Ray would be able to be more involved in their lives but the PANICKED moments in which I wondered why in the world we ever gave up that nice paycheck, big house, and new vehicle.

Teenage doubts and my feelings of INFERIORITY—what was I thinking actually believing that I could raise children in this unique way known as Christian parenting?

HAPPINESS yet LONGING with my first high school graduate—Joshua, under a hundred pounds yet a young man so accomplished, smart, wise, responsible, and kind. I cried a river that graduation.

When Joshua told us he was in love. My dream had come true—my first child was in love with a godly young lady. I was beside myself with joy—and IN LOVE WITH BEING IN LOVE.

AMAZEMENT and GRATEFULNESS that Joshua had learned how to learn when he graduated from college after testing out of all but two classes of which there were no tests available.

When Kayla and Cami went to ministry school. Could a mother’s JOY be more FULL than to know that her kids wanted to spend their lives bringing others to Christ?

CONTENTMENT yet HEART-RENDING watching another child leave home for marriage. THANKFULNESS that Cami had found a young man with a heart so similar to her daddy’s.

JOY but serious LONGING as Kara (my last little girl) graduated from high school. CONFUSION as to whether it was the right decision to allow her to go away so early (for college/internship out of state).

LONELINESS for Kara—especially whenever I knew she was feeling homesick—as she was five states away going to college and teaching drama seminars to homeschool groups and Christian schools. THANKFUL for all of the opportunities God provided for our kids to learn the many skills they have learned.

PRIDE as Kayla graduated with honors from college with a double major—and took her first full time mission position.

HELPLESSNESS when I watch my adult children go through difficulties with relationships, health, underemployment, and other “adult norms” that I just want to rescue them from, but cannot.

HAPPINESS as I spend my days with three teen and tween boys, so GRATEFUL for the older kids’ continued, godly influence on the lives of their younger siblings.

SATISFACTION in relationships with my grown kids—so GLAD to be a huge part of their lives today.

FEAR for my kids’ futures…spouses, jobs, careers, health, when they have children of their own, finances….sometimes FUTILITY in trying to give everything about my children to the Lord every day.

CONTENTMENT and RELIEF when I realize that I have made it to this point—with four graduates and three kids remaining at home. So GRATEFUL that I didn’t give up on Christian parenting and all of the hard work that has gone with it so far!

1 comment: