I Love to Watch You...

Affirmation. Words of encouragement. Words of praise. Words of confirmation. Words of affection. Words of pride. Words of belonging. These all describe that one word--affirmation.

I recently read an article about a study of hundreds of college athletes that lasted over three decades. In this article,  “What Makes a Nightmare Sports Parent and What Makes a Great One.” these college athletes described two things that are poignant for parents of all children, including non-athletes.

The first question they answered was "What is your worst memory from playing youth and high school sports?"

The majority of those surveyed said, "The ride home from games with my parents."

(If you have read much of what we have written or heard us speak often, you know that we focus on riding with our children in the van or car as one of the key opportunities to teach, affirm, talk, love, and train. It breaks my heart that this "sacred time" is remembered as one of the most dreadful times for these hundreds of athletes.)

Of course, we can all imagine why--because there probably isn't a parent reading this (author included) who hasn't come down on a child on the drive home from something about his performance--teacher conferences, speech contest, debate tournament, soccer game, swim meet, even pick-up basketball games are all opportunities to "teach" our child what he did "wrong" in the aforementioned event.

My husband, who is truly the best dad I know, one who talks to his kids on the phone and in person quite literally hours every day, even does this, so I know it is hard to conquer. And it isn't always the parent's fault either--as I know our kids usually probe on the way home from a performance, sermon, or song. They ask us questions that make us feel like we should be "teaching" at that time.

However, we really need to resist the urge to teach at that time. My experience has been that they ask and ask, but they really don't want a lesson. They really just want to hear the positive at that time. I have to remind myself that there will be time for teaching and lessons later--when the performance, sermon, or song isn't so fresh.

The study went on to prove this point further by telling how the kids described their joy over grandparents attending their sporting events. It seems that grandparents are more likely to watch, cheer, and then praise--with no lessons or strings attached.

Turning from the negative and what not-to-do, to the positive, these same athletes were asked what their parents did right--what made them feel good about themselves and their performances. The majority of them said that they were filled with joy when their parents simply said six little words:

 "I love to watch you play."

No lessons, lectures, or analyses. Just six simple words that made hundreds of college and professional athletes look back on their time following sporting events with their parents fondly.

And six little words that we can use to affirm our children all the time.

I was happy to read this article because one of my favorite buzz lines after my kids perform is

I could watch you _________________ forever.

I could watch you dance forever. I could watch you sing forever. I could watch you preach forever. I could watch you teach forever. I could watch you act forever. I could watch you direct forever. I could watch you lead forever. I could watch you play forever. I could watch you study forever.

The thing about these lines---I love to watch you.... or I could watch you ..... forever---is that our child doesn't have to be the best to say these things. He doesn't have to have just played a perfect game. He doesn't have to have just scored the winning run. He doesn't have to have given a flawless performance.

He is our child. We love to watch him grow, do, be, become. We are saying that the child is so amazing to us--without being the gold medal winner. We are saying that he is important. That we want to be with him. That we love to watch him do what he loves to do.

We are affirming. With six little words.

I love to watch you....

 

Happy July 4th: Review "The American Patriot's Alamanac: Daily Readings on America"

Our favorite patriotic "devotional"! Our two sons, ages fifteen and eighteen, asked me to get this back out for this summer's reading since we haven't done it for two years now. I LOVE this book. Short readings--about 5 to 10 minutes each, plus "This day in history list" for each day. So inspiring!

You might be familiar with one of the authors, William J. Bennett, from his amazing story collection, "Book of Virtues" (a great read aloud book for families with multi ages of children and even older children!). He has done it again in this wonderful 365 excerpt patriotic book!

If you homeschool, you want this book! If you homeschool and you are doing American history this year, you definitely want this book! :)



"American History Parade" pg. 235 (Today in history)

1776 The Continental Congress adopts the Declaration of Independence

1802  The US Military Academy opens at West Point, NY

1826 John Adams, age ninety, and Thomas Jefferson, age eight-three die

1831 James Monroe, fifth US President, dies at age seventy-three

1959 A forty-ninth star is added to the flat to represent the new state of Alaska

1960 A fiftieth star is added to the flat to represent the new state of Hawaii

http://www.amazon.com/dp/1595552677/?tag=googhydr-20&hvadid=3645543865&hvpos=1t1&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=785661502302869156&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=e&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_43w248wo4x_e

Why We Have Wanted Our Teens and Young Adults Mentored by Adults

Thirty-three years ago this fall, my husband and I (he, a twenty year old college junior and I, a seventeen year old high school senior) went looking for a church to get married in the next summer only to find two crucial things in our lives: salvation and mentors. In short, we found the church we wanted to get married in (a little white, country church with a CENTER aisle), got born again, and discovered the joy of mentors in our lives. 

New Lisbon Christian Church, Union City, IN (pic taken 2013 when we visited it for our anniversary)

For the next year prior to marriage, as well as in our first several years of marriage and child-bearing, we had three couples in our lives who helped us grow in our faith, showed us how to live the Christian life, and even taught us how to get along with each other at times! These couples were ten, twenty, and thirty years older than we--they were adults who had been "doing the stuff" of Christianity for many years. They took us under their wings and helped us grow in the faith. 

Several years later, we moved away from the safety of our hometown nest, but we continued to find mentors. Some of these we saw only once  a year or so. Others were close friends whom we did life with, had children with, and homeschooled with. Still others were "distant mentors"--those people whom you may or may not ever meet, but they impact you through their writing, speaking, and teaching--and you realize one day after many, many years, that your life would have been completely different (probably not for the best) if you had not "met" these mentors. 

So when our children entered their teen years, we weren't interested so much in peer or even "a few years older than our kids" mentors for them. We wanted them to have what we had, had. We already knew that our kids' first--and longest-lasting--mentors would be us. We would make
 the hard choices to give up other things to mentor and disciple our kids. 

Then the older kids started to grow up and find mentors of their own--adults who had been doing the very things our kids wanted to do with their lives. And it was glorious to watch them have adults in their lives to show them things that we couldn't show them or hadn't experienced ourselves.

Our oldest child spent two school years (his high school senior year and his college freshman year interning at two different state capitols. His mentors were professionals, but he learned a lot and grew as a public servant during this time.

Our next two kids, two daughters who both wanted to go into ministry (one as a missionary and eventually a college professor of theology and/or church history and one as a disability ministry director)  found an amazing mentor in our associate pastor who directed a two year ministry school at our church and oversaw the girls' ministries. We credit him for our dyslexic daughter's confidence to go all the way to a doctorate program (he told her countless times that with her skills and intelligence, she should never shoot for anything short of a doctorate degree in order to serve God fully with her whole self). 

We also credit him with our other daughter's successful disability ministry that she founded while still in high school under his mentoring/college program. When that daughter came to him after she had served at Joni and Friends and talked to Joni Ereckson Tada about her desire to  serve the disabled (Joni told her to go home, talk to her pastor, and do it!), he led her through the correct channels to make it happen and oversaw and encouraged her every step of the way.

Our fourth child, third daughter, got involved in a drama ministry, The Academy of Arts in Greenville, SC, while she was still in high school. Before we knew it, she was being mentored and encouraged by the founder's daughter and her husband (the current directors of the program) and spent three years interning there under that couple.To this day, every word that couple speaks to our daughter is like a balm to her soul, encouraging and deepening her in faith and in utilizing her giftings.

Here we are with our fifth child (second boy, age 20) and sixth child (third boy, age 18) who both found themselves in our new church's praise team after a couple of months of attendance at this church. We, after only six months, are already seeing them encouraged by the worship pastor week after week and watched their ministry skills grow in the process.

Now you can see a glimpse into why adults mentoring our kids has been so important to us. We grew in leaps and bounds spiritually thanks to many people who saw potential in us, believed in us, and helped us grow into the parents, family ministers, and spouses that we are today. We wanted that same type of grown-up mentoring for our own kids.

Peer mentoring and encouragement is fine. Single young adults just a few years older than our kids themselves is also helpful to many. But for our kids to have grown, successful, dedicated adults take an interest in them and invest them has been absolutely priceless. 

Recently, the aforementioned twenty year old who is a junior studying pastoral ministry came home from his first meeting with our preaching pastor bubbling over with excitement. He spent an hour recounting everything that he and the pastor said during their time together. I, too, was excited about his excitement, but my heart warmed most of all when Jonathan told me the question our pastor asked him: "Jonathan, how can I, as your pastor, help you become the pastor you want to be?"

Dads: What "Gate" Are You Standing By?

One of my husband's favorite stories to tell/points to make in our "Reaching the Heart of Your Teen" seminar/workshop is also the most fitting way to describe his parenting style. The story comes from the book of II Samuel and the point is found within the story of Absalom standing by the gate of the city:

2 And Absalom rose up early, and stood beside the way of the gate: and it was so, that when any man that had a controversy came to the king for judgment, then Absalom called unto him, and said, Of what city art thou? And he said, Thy servant is of one of the tribes of Israel.

3 And Absalom said unto him, See, thy matters are good and right; but there is no man deputed of the king to hear thee.

4 Absalom said moreover, Oh that I were made judge in the land, that every man which hath any suit or cause might come unto me, and I would do him justice!

5 And it was so, that when any man came nigh to him to do him obeisance, he put forth his hand, and took him, and kissed him.

6 And on this manner did Absalom to all Israel that came to the king for judgment: so Absalom stole the hearts of the men of Israel.

In case you missed how that passage is related to parenting in general and parenting teens specifically (it's easy to miss), let me point out two specific parts of the story that are relevant to our message to fathers today:

1. "...stood beside the way of the gate: and it was so, that when any man that had a controversy came to the king for judgment, then Absalom called unto him..." (vs 2)

2. ..." so Absalom stole the hearts of the men of Israel." (vs 6)

As Ray likes to tell it, Absalom stole the hearts of the men of Israel because he was AVAILABLE. He stood at the gate and answered their questions. He was waiting for them to come through. He took the time. According to Ray, "Whoever is available to your children is the one who will win their hearts."

Ray has spent his entire parenting life standing by any gate in which he thought could win his children. Standing, playing, reading, talking, singing, encouraging, laughing, wrestling, teaching, training....by the gates in which he knew our children would pass. Giving his children what every child dreams of---a dad who is available.

In honor of my husband, and hopefully as an encouragement to many others today, I would like to demonstrate in pictures how a man can be the Absalom in his children's lives--and continually be available to them. Please bear with the pictures--Ray has been living like this for thirty years, so some of the photos are not the best, blog-winning quality; however, they are all heart-winning quality.

The Teaching Gate: Day or Night, Summer or Winter--Ray can always be found teaching his children  something--from the Bible, to math, to football, to life principles. 

The Surprise Gate: Our children will never forget the night that the electricity went out in the dead of winter, and we lit candles and all hovered in Mom and Dad's room listening to audios cassettes, reading, eating snacks, and playing games by candlelight. They will especially not forget the fact that Dad went out of the room at some point early in the evening and discovered that the electricity was back on, but he came right back into the bedroom and acted as though the electricity was still out for several more hours! Nobody even knew that the power was really on for a long time because Dad used this night for fun and surprise.

The "building" gate: Through the years, especially the first ten to twelve years of each of our children's lives, Ray has played more legoes, bricks, blocks, and cubes with our kids than almost any other single activity (with the exception of any kind of ball!). I think he spent the majority of his winter evenings on the floor for the first ten years of our parenting!

The "come to my gate" gate: If Ray was busy, he would simply ask  the child to come to his gate! Whenever he has been involved in anything (setting up for a debate, working outside, cleaning the house, filling book orders in our center, etc.) that he could include the kids in, he simply had them join him in what he was doing--always teaching along the way.

The museum or other family day gate: While we do not have  a large or expensive home, vehicles, and furnishings, Ray has always believed in investing in shared experiences. Zoos, museums, shows, and movies have been the highlight of our family times.

The "some assembly required" gate: Puzzles, elaborate toys, and extensive games  have never scared Ray away (unlike his wife, who really disikes those things!). He would always just sit down right in the midst of several small children and dig in.

The swimming gate: All of our children have fond memories of swimming in motels with Ray. One of the things that always struck me was how Ray was just about ALWAYS  the only dad in the water playing with his children---and how all other children always wanted to join Ray and the kids in playing. The kids always shared Ray with up to a dozen kids in any given motel pool--and always noted that "they needed to play with us because their daddy wouldn't get in and play."

The baby and toddler gate: Ray always had a lapful of kids when he was at home. He never  watched television (we didn't have one), played electronic games, or even had hobbies. He knew time with our small children was limited, and he always used his time for me and the kids--day in and day out, never tiring of it.

The "whatever my kids are into" gate: Whenever our kids got involved in something (speech and debate, leading a ministry, drama, etc.), Ray always jumped in to teach, help, lead, assist, etc. He always said, "I want to be where my kids are and know what is going on with them"--so activities took place in our home or we were involved in what the kids were involved in.

The basketball gate: With four sons, Ray spent a ton of time in the driveway playing basketball. As Joshua put it, "I learned angles and statistics in the driveway with Dad." While Ray has spent countless hours on the basketball court and in the yard playing football and kickball, there was a period of several months in which every night at 9:00, he and Joshua (our oldest) met at the basketball goal for some b-ball time, which always turned in to talk time.

The "lesson on a napkin" gate: Ray has been notorious for teaching the kids whatever they asked about on the spot--and often on a paper napkin, back of a church program, bank deposit ticket, etc. 

The "daddy time" gate: Through the y ears, time with Daddy has had many titles---Malachi time,  Bible Talk, Daddy Talk,   devotions, read alouds, family worship, etc. 

The gate of the nursery: Ray changed  twelve years worth of cloth diapers; always got up in the middle of the night and brought the babies in to me; and most importantly, as soon as the babies were old enough began reading Bible stories to them constantly.

The fun gate: Ray has always been a fun dad--the kind of dad to surprise the kids, making them think that we are driving north home to Indiana following a business trip to Indiana, but really driving south to surprise the kids with Disney World. Vacation fun, daily fun and games.....Ray has always stood by the fun gate.



I wish I had time to gather more pictures, scan in a bunch more old ones, and tell about the hundreds of other gates that Ray has, and continues to stand by--such as the math one he is sitting at with our college son right now for the past four hours. Or the football in the yard gate. Or the driver's training gate. Or the midnight gate with teens and young adults. Or the relationship gates with our sons. Even without the photographs, I have those pictures in my mind forever. The important gates that he knew our children would be going by--and that he stood by waiting for them to pass, waiting to win their hearts by being available.


What gates will you stand by, fathers? Dads have many gates to go through, walk by, stand near, and enter in their lives. Men can go through the gate of success in the workplace, walk around the gates of hobbies and fun for themselves, and sit by the relaxation gate. We all want to do those things---it's human nature.
Or Dads can realize that time with our children is short. That whoever is available to our kids, especially our teens, will win their hearts and have the chance to influence them the most. That no gate of success or ease is worth standing by over standing by the gates that our children walk by.

Thirty Days of Romance June 2013

“I’m in love, I’m in love…and I don’t care who knows it.” Elf


Today is the beginning of this year's "Thirty Days of Romance" for me and Ray. 

Several years ago, we celebrated being together for thirty years–thirty years since our first date, and we’ve been together ever since! Anyway, we celebrated those thirty years by having what we called "thirty days of romance." That is, for those thirty days we focused more on each other than other things. We thought of each other more, made each other feel important, did special things for each other, spent more time alone, and just generally tried to focus more on romance than "stuff"–those things that we always have to do. It was such a success that we decided to make it an annual event.

We have had a few “30 Days of Romance” in the past few years, and we have loved them! In recent years, we have been getting too busy with my writing and editing, Ray’s work, our publishing company, our family speaking ministry, and all seven of our children and their needs. It just seemed like the long talks, special candy bars, frequent rendezvous (!), etc., were slipping away from us. 

Some ideas we have used (and/or hope to use in the future)—some are just simple things that we forget to do in our daily busy-ness. (Feel free to share—we should start a Romantic Revolution!!! )


1. Make favorite meals —I try to make spaghetti a couple of times during this time–Ray’s favorite!; Ray will grab the kids and make me homemade French fries or have one of the boys make brownies, etc., sometimes.

Stir fry! One of Ray's favorites!

2. Out for dinner in Fort Wayne–since we started dancing, we seldom go to movies and/or dinner because it takes so much to get away to dance—and we do not feel like we can justify another evening away from the kids—during 30 Days of Romance, we take exception to that, even if it means dinner and movie on Tuesday AND dancing on Saturday! 

Date night!

3. Romantic comedies/movies—we have two ballroom dance movies we like to watch. Ray loves romantic movies; I prefer action/legal thrillers/drama, and I’m the one who usually rents movies, so I try to get more movies he likes during this month.

This is one of our favorite romantic movies--as long as we fast forward the part near the beginning where the wife dies in a car accident (too many bad memories from my ruptured uterus fourteen years ago).

4. Just talking—During this time, we try to slow down the pace and not rush when we do have time together. For example, we try to go to our dances early and leave them late! We always barely come into a dance (and one of us is often on the phone to one of the older kids when we first arrive) or have to leave early, etc. etc.,  it seems. During 30 Days, we just want to slow down, dance some, talk some, and just not rush for a little bit! Talking without our kids needing us is a luxury, so we just tried to focus more on that this month.

Okay....talking AND kissing! Smile...

5. More phone calls and emails—and more little signs, words, and phrases that nobody but us knows what they mean in our phone calls and emails (though the kids try to figure them out!! ).

I love this quote that Ray emailed to me today:  

"Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very
pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love
grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning
and unquenchable." - Bruce Lee        



                     

6. More yielding—just taking our own advice (when we counsel people) to be the one who stops an argument or disagreement, to be the one who doesn’t have to be right, to be the one who brings peace in a situation that could become less than peaceful. We teach yielding in our book, curricula, blog, seminar, and workshops, but it is so hard to do in life everyday and to do it ALL THE TIME—just to remind ourselves that the other person’s feelings and that relationship is worth yielding for. 

7. Song finding—this is a new thing we want to do—find songs that we like on the internet and have Jonathan buy them and put them on a cd for us—and decide which dances we would do with each one, etc. 

You can hear one of our favorite "Night Club Two Step" songs here. 

8. Look up dancing together online—on rare occasions, we will sit down and look up a certain dance online and try to figure out how they do certain moves, or watch for styling or theory, etc. Listen to/watch “lessons” online. During "30 Days," we want to do this more. 

Watch this fun West Coast Swing dance! No, it isn't us, and yes, we wish we could dance like this!

9. Play games—before our kids got so old and needed us so much in the evenings (including our grown children on the phone, etc.), we used to play Scrabble, Guess Who, Blokus, Backgammon, and Cribbage in our room and watch a fun movie, eat snacks, and just enjoy each other and relax. Now it seems like we are always with one of the kids for something (i.e. Ray is at the table with Josiah and his algebra right now; I’m getting ready to call back one of our daughters to talk, etc. etc.)—or if we play games, it is with the kids (which is fun too, but not alone time). We seldom stop early enough in the evening to have our fun game time anymore. During this month, we will “make dates” to do that. 

This is one of our favorites! But we show each other our own tiles & help each other get more points! I love that man!

10. Go out for dessert—when the kids were all younger (but the oldest was twelve), a couple of times a month, we would put them all to bed at eight o’clock and go out for dessert. Again, nowadays, our nine to eleven hours are earmarked for our teens and college kids who live at home--not for dessert or moves. We try to do this some during our 30 Days and use those hours for each other rather than the kids.

During Thirty Days of Romance, we like to go out for dessert, but here is one to make at home--Butterfinger Dessert!

11. Dance lessons—We had put private lessons on hold for the past five years due to the expenses with getting our publishing company off the ground; a wedding; three kids in college, feeding six adults (!),  etc. etc etc. We want to try to take at least two private lessons during this month. 

12. Little surprises—When we didn’t have so many needs to meet, we just thought of little things more—you know, picking up my favorite editing pen at Walmart when Ray is getting groceries or grabbing his favorite pop at the gas station—just the little things that let the other person know he is being thought of. One "30 Days" Ray had a dozen roses (of different colors–beautiful!) delivered in increments of three–during my "CQLA Cottage Class" day. Thus, every couple of hours, the florist would come with three more roses–my students thought it was a hoot–but I just loved it!

An especially special treat since I call Ray "Ray Baby" more than I do Ray! Smile...

13. Not work at night so much—Because of homeschooling during the day (and teaching one hundred kids in Ossian, Fort Wayne, and Leo writing each week), I often work at night while Ray oversees kids’ homework, teaches some of their classes, does driver’s training with whomever happens to be learning to drive at that time, works on meal clean up with the kids, etc etc. I often have trouble stopping my work. (I really love to work…especially writing and editing!) When it is payroll time, student billing time, order filling time, etc. etc. Ray often works after he is done with the kids in the evening too. Anyway, during 30 Days, we designate certain nights for us to stop working at a certain time. 

All work and no play makes a marriage dull! 

14. Planning and dreaming together—We always used to plan and dream together—now it seems like life happens so fast that we hardly have time to plan ahead or dream about what might be. We take more time for that during this month. 


15. Get away—Since this “30 Days” is falling over our anniversary,I hope we can get away and possibly go to a dance (especially at the beautiful “Roof Ballroom” in Indianapolis) and stay overnight a day or two. When we can do this, it makes our “30 Days” even more romantic.

16. “Twalks”—before we started Character Ink and Raising Kids With Character, and I started writing so much, we used to take a “twalk” many days after work. This was a time in which the two of us just took off on a walk to talk. We are trying to incorporate more of these—without cell phones on us!



I recommend “Thirty Days of Romance” to all married couples—whether you’ve been married ten years or forty. It just puts the focus back on each other in marriage—and that focus is so easy to lose with the demands of parenting, work, ministry, and more.

Power Hour: Introducing Our "Four to Six Freezer Foods in an Hour" Program

Watch our blog (and FB page) for our new summer series, "Power Hour," in which we will share recipes (with varying amounts and numbers of servings) that you can make in an hour (or less with some young helpers!) and make four to six (or more if making for three or four people) freezer entrees.

If you have always wanted to try freezer cooking, but an entire program of one whole day (or week!) of cooking feels overwhelming to you, our "Power Hour" might be just the thing to get you over the fear of freezer cooking!

Think your family won't like the foods? I have been freezer cooking for twenty-three years this summer, and while I have definitely evolved as a freezer cook, I have hundreds of recipes that my family loves--and not just layered or bagged casseroles either! Some of our favorites that I will be sharing with you include potato casserole, braised beef cube mix, meatloaves, meatballs, sausage rice stir fry, parmesan chicken breasts, poor man's steak, spaghetti pie, meats for stir fries and fajitas, and much more. And you can do each one in under an hour!

We'll post our first one the week of June 9th, so stay "posted"! :) And share with your friends!

FAST 5-MINUTE FAMILY FIXES---(Fajita) Chicken Crisps

Here is another potential five-minute-prep meal that my family loves! This is a good family night treat in lieu of getting take out pizzas.




Pre-cooked/pre-made chicken*

Shredded cheese of your choice

Flour tortillas

Garlic flavored non stick cooking spray (or melted butter with garlic)

Optionals: Onions and peppers (sometimes I have these pre-cooked and frozen with my meat; sometimes I don't use them at all)


*I usually use fajita chicken I have in my freezer from freezer cooking---but any already-made chicken will work in a pinch, such as store bought fajita chicken strips, rotisserie chicken chunks, or even canned chicken {drained}. You can also stick a couple of boneless breasts or thighs in a half a cup of broth and cook in micro until done and use that meat. Of course, you could make Beef Crisps with roast beef or hamburger crisps with taco flavored ground beef. 

Unbaked Fajita Chicken Crisps---These broil REALLY fast, so watch them closely!

1. Lay flour torts out on cookie sheet sprayed with cooking spray. Spray the tops of the torts and broil them under the broiler until tanned and somewhat crispy (twenty to sixty seconds---watch carefully!).

2. Remove torts from oven and sprinkle with chicken (and veggies, if desired) then shredded cheese.

3. Put pan back under broiler until cheese is bubbly (one minute or so--watch carefully!).

4. Cut in fourths and serve with sour cream, shredded lettuce, tomatoes, salsa, black olives, etc.

Note: This is a good way to use up leftovers--and can be made lower carb than many other Mexican dishes because it only uses one tortilla each and you can really top it with a lot of protein and veggies. Also, for lower cards, use the Carb Balance tortilla shells.